WORLDWIDE HEADLINES


Only thing man remembers from memory course is it


costing $200 Fleet, Ariz. – Local furniture salesman Ed Wellington told sources that the only improvement he has seen in his memory since buying and listening to the cassettes of a nationally advertised memory program is the nagging reminder that the course cost him $200. “I guess [the program] kind of works, because the outrageous cost of the stupid tapes is permanently burned into my brain,” Wellington, 44, told a group of coworkers at a work function Saturday night. “Of course, remembering that the tapes cost me two-hundred bucks doesn’t do me much good if I’m still too forgetful to write the number in my checkbook. I


bounced two checks because of


those tapes.” Responding to inquiries, Wellington could not recall how many tapes the course contained, whether or not he had listened to each tape in its entirety or if the recorded voice was that of a man or a woman.


Area family can’t have


nice things Pittsburgh, Penn. – Local homemaker Gretchen Kendall confirmed Monday


EDITORIAL I’ll get right on mailing in this five-dollar rebate


Oh, my. Well I certainly never expected this. It appears that yours truly’s ship is about to come in. And to think I almost missed the opportunity of a lifetime. For had it


I’ll tell you what, as soon as I get home – aſter I stop at Shell and put $50 in gas into the SUV – I’m going to get right on mailing in this five-dollar rebate. Aſter all, when that


five-dollar rebate check comes in the mail in six weeks or so, it’ll be like I only paid $122.19 for the burner instead of the $127.19 I already forked over. Tat’ll make a profound difference in my weekly budget. Maybe I’ll buy that three-pack of crew socks I’ve been saving up for. At least Sony makes the rebate process


simple: all I have to do is fill out a form that looks nearly indistinguishable from my receipt, address an envelop to the completely independent Sony address written in small print on the back of the actual receipt, cut out the cleverly hidden


By Jamie Farner


not been for that charming Circuit City salesman mentioning four or five times that the new Sony CRX2100U 48x CD burner I have no choice but to buy today comes with a five-dollar rebate from the manufacturer, I certainly would have overlooked this mammoth prospect.


page 54


morning to buy a stamp and ship it out. Fortunately, Sony allows the purchaser 10 whole days to submit the rebate form


Fortunately, Sony allows the purchaser 10 whole days to submit the rebate form before the offer expires, so I can use the weekend to put the package together.


before the offer expires, so I can use the weekend to put the package together. Considering how much the envelop


And to think I almost missed the opportunity of a lifetime.


rebate endorsement on the CD writer’s box, make a copy of the original receipt, stuff it all into an envelop and then wait until the post office opens in the


weighed, I’m not sure if one $.37 stamp is going to cover the postage, but I’m going to risk it. If it goes through, my net gain will be $4.63, instead of the mere $4.26 I would have made had I went ahead and added another stamp. In this case, I think the possible reward is worth the risk. Of course, if the mail is returned for insufficient postage, and I have to re- mail it using two stamps, my final rake will be only $3.89. Tat is, if the


form still makes it to Sony within the allotted time. With the mailing out of the way, I can sit back and rest for a while. Just think


of it, within a month and a half I’ll have that five bucks in my pocket – as long as I can get off work early enough to get to the bank and cash the rebate check before they close. I’ve already made several notes to myself reminding me that Sony’s rebate checks become void


if you don’t cash


them within a week. Or maybe it’s five days. I’ll


have to check on that when Te Score gets a little closer on the calendar. Proper planning will play an important


role in the final leg of this mega-money marathon of labor. Starting in about four weeks I’ll have to significantly alter the way I go through my mail, since Sony sends rebate checks in the form of postcards that look exactly like junk mail, in hopes that they’ll be tossed in the trash instead of cashed – and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let my five dollars get thrown away. So I’ll have to spend a few extra minutes inspecting the mail every day, but it’ll be worth it days later when that dead prez takes up residence in the old Farner billfold. I believe I now have every angle covered.


Oh man, is this going to be sweet. Definitely the easiest five dollars I’ve ever made. Tank you, Sony!


that members of the 37-year-old’s suburban family cannot have nice things in their because of


home, primarily the way her youngest son


Derek habitually mishandles fragile and expensive household items. “Oh my God, what happened to my poor lighthouse?”


exclaimed Kendall aſter


discovering the $12 ceramic figurine in pieces on the floor near the fireplace mantle upon which it was previously positioned. “Perfect, Derek. Just perfect. I’ve told you a hundred times that these [decorations]


are not toys! I swear,


it’s like we just can’t have nice things.” Kendall later told reporters that her husband Don’s tendency to ash cigarettes into any available receptacle – regardless of that


diminishes the family’s capacity to have nice things.


Lil Jon’s brain trust advises him to fuck all


that shit North Miami, Fla. – Big Sam and Lil Bo (a.k.a. the Eastside Boyz), who serve as rap music mogul Lil Jon’s behind- the-scenes brain trust, encouraged the modern hit-maker to “fuck all that shit” when confronted by Walmart executives about producing alternate-lyric versions of Lil Jon albums for sale in the national retailer’s stores. “Being the power behind


the throne and all, we told our man Lil Jon, ‘Man, fuck all that shit with those crackers. Tey just be wanting to be lining they pockets and shit,’” Big Sam told engineers at Circle House Studios in North Miami Friday. In between vocal overdubs, Lil Jon’s unofficial advisors expressed a similar position regarding producer Rick Rubin’s suggestion to use reverb on their obscenity-laden vocal tracks.


Juvenile offender going through


item’s designed purpose – also


identity theſt crisis Te Bronx, N.Y. – Twenty-four-year-old hoodlum James Baker, who has for years picked pockets and fraudulently used victims’ credit cards for personal gain, admitted Sunday that he is struggling to carve out a unique identity for himself aſter spending nearly a decade trying to be the person that store cashiers expect him to be when committing identity fraud. “Tis morning I was at Circuit City buying stereo equipment with a stolen Visa card, so I had to be James D. Harrington from Toledo, because that’s who the card said I was,” said Baker. “I’ve gotten so wrapped up in trying to be the persons these cashiers need me to be that I’ve forgotten how to be James Baker.” Baker said that the first step toward reestablishing his own identity will be


coming to grips with the fact that he’s an unemployed high school dropout with an extensive police record and several outstanding warrants.


Metal guitarists’ merit gauged solely on


brand of amplifier Buffalo, N.Y. – At an annual battle of the bands held at a heavy metal nightclub Friday night, amateur guitarists Dave Reno and Alex Moore rated how good each of the seven bands’ guitarists were based on what kind of amplifier each musician uses. “Te guy from Blade Gallery was far and away the best guitarist there tonight,” Reno told a nodding Moore as the two hung out at


a late-night coffeehouse aſter the


show. “He ran an A/B box so he could switch between a Soldano head and one of those totally kick-ass Mesa Boogie Triple Rectifiers. Tat’s a totally sweet rig.” Moore added further criticism: “And what was the deal with that dude running that ancient, solid-state Peavey head? Tat guy blew.” Reno and Moore’s narrow-minded evaluation marked a noted improvement over last year’s critique, when the fledgeling guitarists gauged the worth of each guitar player by how many Marshall speaker cabinets they had on stage.


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40  |  Page 41  |  Page 42  |  Page 43  |  Page 44  |  Page 45  |  Page 46  |  Page 47  |  Page 48  |  Page 49  |  Page 50  |  Page 51  |  Page 52  |  Page 53  |  Page 54  |  Page 55  |  Page 56  |  Page 57  |  Page 58  |  Page 59  |  Page 60  |  Page 61  |  Page 62  |  Page 63  |  Page 64  |  Page 65  |  Page 66  |  Page 67  |  Page 68  |  Page 69  |  Page 70  |  Page 71  |  Page 72  |  Page 73  |  Page 74  |  Page 75  |  Page 76  |  Page 77  |  Page 78  |  Page 79  |  Page 80  |  Page 81  |  Page 82  |  Page 83  |  Page 84  |  Page 85  |  Page 86  |  Page 87  |  Page 88  |  Page 89  |  Page 90  |  Page 91  |  Page 92  |  Page 93  |  Page 94  |  Page 95  |  Page 96  |  Page 97  |  Page 98  |  Page 99  |  Page 100  |  Page 101  |  Page 102  |  Page 103  |  Page 104  |  Page 105  |  Page 106  |  Page 107  |  Page 108  |  Page 109