RECOILMAG.COM
NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil History teacher
repeats himself Madison, Wis. – Eighth grade American History teacher Michael Rose tends to repeat himself during lectures regarding details of World War II battles, students told reporters this morning following third period. “Tis is the third day this semester
that Mister Rose has gone
Unisom now available in liquid form
over the importance that the weather – Typhoon Louise, which hit Okinawa without warning on Oct. 9, 1945 – seriously impacted the planned invasion of Japan,” said sophomore Adam Davies. “You know how I know all that? Because he’s told us this twice already today.”
Pointy stick appointed
Kristen Stewart’s management wants to distance her from themselves
quikSTAT
Which nostalgic candies are regaining popularity?
• Circus Peanuts • Tripe Bites • Truffle Lumps • Plague O’Plenty
• Glue Balls • Rancid Snaps
• Semi-Sweet Innards • Reese Witherspoon
U.S. Defense Secretary Washington, D.C. – In a surprise move Monday, U.S. President George W. Bush appointed a sharp, pointy stick as the next Secretary of Defense, head of all armed service and military matters for the United States. Having previously spent the entirety of its career as part of the environment, the three-foot- long former tree limb is expected to bring fresh ideas and perspective to the position formerly held by Robert M. Gates. While fielding questions during a Monday morning press conference, the pointy stick was asked specifically his plans for distributing the $420 billion annual budget now under its command, to which the slightly curved branch lightheartedly responded: “I realized that even if I do, money doesn’t simply grow on trees.” Te pointy stick is expected to be quickly confirmed by the senate early next week.
Above: Members of the iconic ‘80s rock band.
Mötley Crüe theme park brings to life the world of four drunken criminals
Hollywood, Calif. – Legendary 1980s hair metal band Mötley Crüe has partnered with NBCUniversal to create a new theme park inside Universal Studios Los Angeles: “Mötley Crüe’s Wild Side,” where visitors will get to experience what it’s like inside the drug-fueled world of the four multiple felons who founded the legendary and controversial rock band. “It’s every Crüe fan’s fantasy to live
the lives of these four troubled young alcoholic lunatics who rose to notable prominence in the music industry during
Also available inside the detailed recreation will be a giſt shop, stripper cages and a highly
unsterile tattoo parlor.
the eighties,” said NBCUniversal public relations director James Beal. “Visitors to the new attraction will get to experience firsthand what it’s like to be coked to the gills twenty-four- seven, gallivanting around the world while unapologetically committing arson,
spousal abuse, vehicular manslaughter and instigating a riot, as well as surviving heroin overdoses – all while remaining the most popular rock act of the decade.” Presented as an R-rated version see CRUE page 40
Band’s lighting more intelligent than drummer
New York, N.Y. – Members of the alternative rock cover band Scorned Corn
& the Pseudo-Somethings
expressed opinions Friday that the band’s state-of-the-art lighting system possesses a more advanced level of intelligence than that of their drummer, 32-year-old Scott McCloud. “On stage we run four MojoScan
intelligent lights, which I sometimes think are a c t u all y sm a r t er than
that
Keys, bassist for the New York-based act. “Granted, drummers in general are usually a pretty low-brow lot, but Scott’s a space-case like no other. Don’t get me wrong, we love the guy, it’s just that he makes Jessica Simpson look like Stephen Hawking.” Singer Al Prevo agreed
Above: Te act’s intellectually challenged drummer Scott McCloud.
balloonhe ad drummer of ours – who, incidental ly, managed to lock the keys in our van with the motor running last night at a truck stop outside Cleveland,” said Dave
“You can count on [the lights] to run the same patterns for each song every night, without exception,” said Prevo.
that the circuitry found within the MojoScan units
and control
board consistently proves more adept at recalling and processing information than
the synapses comprising McCloud’s cerebellum. “Tose I-Beams [sic]
Above: Scorned Corn & the Pseudo-Somethings’ stage setup, which includes four MojoScan intelligent lighting units.
page 37
are fully programmable and have a ton of memory, so you can count on them to run the same patterns for each song see LIGHTING page 38
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