HOROSCOPES


Cancer (June 21 to July 22) Technological advancements could soon jeopardize Cancer’s life. Don Corleone from Te Godfather warned, “Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer,” and the smartphone is definitely hermit Cancer’s best friend. Be prepared to smash your cell on a moment’s notice, just in case your ever-evolving “friend” starts acting like HAL, the homicidal copiloting compadre from 2001: A Space Odyssey.


Leo (July 23 to August 22) Te practical, non-Webster definition of insanity is continually repeating the same process with the expectation of different results – something Leo should keep in mind when another Monday morning on the assembly line still isn’t making you happy, you consider going out for “one” drink, or you start getting back together with your ex.


Virgo (August 23 to September 22) Your nicotine dependency is your own business; smoke all you want – but for heaven’s sake, please stop incessantly smacking fresh packs against your palm like you’re sending Morse code to the Grim Reaper concerning your ETA. If Virgo wants those filtered bullets packed tighter than blasting caps, fine, but take it outside; that sound is more damaging to our mental health than secondhand smoke is to our physical.


Libra (September 23 to October 22) Te phrase “Tat’s great, honey” is your mate’s polite and subtle way of saying that extensive explanations of the minor details of your day are not welcome during X-Files reruns. Libra should remember that if something is worth saying, it’s also worth saving – until a commercial.


Scorpio (October 23 to November 21) Grammatically challenged alcoholic Scorpio will continue to be disappointed with daily trips to the supermarket for another hopeful stand in the “Alcohol Free Lane.” Becoming Hooked on Phonics isn’t an addiction requiring 12-step rehab, it’s a non-embarrassing, mail order way of getting up to speed with the rest of society’s public-school- system-products who can already read at a fourth grade level.


Sagittarius(November 22 to December 21) Sagittarius’ wardrobe is ugly enough to embarrass a rodeo clown. Even poodles dressed up in sweaters uglier than Poland’s national flag look at you wondering, “I don’t much like wearing this, but I’d choke myself to death with my own tongue before putting THAT on.” Revert to letting your mother dress you – you’ll be subject to accurate ridicule, but at least you’ll have somebody else to blame.


Capricorn (December 22 to January 19) God-fearing Capricorn’s aſterlife compass will point north only if you pay strict adherence to Biblical guidelines. Sure, it’s difficult to sell your daughter into slavery (Exodus 21:7) or kill those who work on the Sabbath (Exodus 35:2),


but His word is His word – and when the Great Surf comes up, you don’t want God having any excuse to cast your soul onto the Lake of Fire with a kerosene- soaked surfoard and lead life preserver.


Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) Aquarius shouldn’t accept advice from anyone bigger than Richard Simmons. Natural selection suggests that anyone possessing a large, workhorse body still makes a living doing grunt work because they’re not even smart enough to operate a computer. Learn to spot an intelligent bloodline: small-boned geeks with Hubble telescopes for glasses who look too weak to topple a Coke machine for all the quarters in Vegas.


Pisces (February 19 to March 20) Be proud of the power with which your magnetic personality attracts members of the opposite sex, but be careful it doesn’t draw any one particular member too close unless you’re ready to be re- polarized. A wedding ring may well give your sense of security a positive charge, but it will also repel the remaining members of the opposite sex.


Aries (March 21 to April 19) Like a drunken Japanese Karaoke singer stumbling through “Hotel California” with his fly open, Aries is oblivious to your instinctual tendency to make a fool of yourself in public. Like Twain said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt” – so dike that endless stream of moronic queries you feel compelled to spew whenever your crude conversations momentarily peek above primitive.


Taurus (April 20 to May 20) Don’t go spending your hard-earned money on a psychic or fortune-teller – they’re about as reliable as discounted Firestones. If psychics really could see into the future, they wouldn’t be wasting their talent predicting your inevitable divorce, they’d be cleaning up on blackjack at Caesar’s Palace.


Gemini (May 21 to June 20) Gemini


attacks workdays with less


enthusiasm than an innocent chain gang member with African sleeping sickness. Spending eight hours a day tethered to a cubical may seem a bigger waste of time than drinking non-alcoholic beer, but you don’t have much choice – you need the medical insurance. Remember, all those hours at work pay off in the emergency room, when even a mild headache justifies you to cut ahead of uninsured shooting victims.


CHARITY


Drunk Americans unite for Million Man Stumble


Above: Drunk citizens congregate to participate in the Million Man Stumble.


Washington, D.C. – Tipsy Americans of all colors, creeds and ages 21-and- older converged around the nation’s capital during happy hour Feb. 4 to participate in the first ever Million Man Stumble – a sloppily coordinated event intended to raise awareness of something that momentarily escaped the mind of organizer Jack Polaski during his introductory public address. “Look, everyone, I know we’re all totally


jonsing for an order of mozzarella sticks before the game starts and everything, but it’s important – shut up and listen to me now; this is important, what I’m saying – it’s important that we take a moment to recognize our purpose for being here today,” slurred an obviously tipsy Polaski from a raised podium. Pausing briefly to drink from his hipflask, Polaski continued: “Now, what in the hell was saying? I was saying something, damn it! Shit. It think it might have


been


were met with failure by organizers, participants and reporters, who were typically unable to reach a headcount above 50 before either simply loosing count and/or interest, stopping to engage in conversation with a potential sexual partner, or needing to quit mid-count in order to grab a fresh beer. Openly intoxicated event coordinator


Louis “Good Times Lou” Bryant recalled as much as he could regarding the conceptual spark resulting in the disjointed meandering of a bunch of drunks throughout the streets of downtown Washington. “Jack [Polaski] and I were three sheets to


the wind down at McGruder’s [Tavern] one


night when we overheard some


“What had originally began as inane drunk-talk between


friends eventually blossomed into what we’re seeing double of here today, whatever this is.”


important, too. Oh well, fuck it – [raising his flask to lead a group toast] here’s to, um, Elvis, I guess.” Polaski then lost his balance, stumbling


backward and falling behind the podium, drawing applause from crowd members who didn’t currently have a drink in their hands and were paying attention to Polaski’s intoxicated ramblings in the first place. Te event appeared to be


assholes talking about that Million Man March,” Bryant explained regarding the conceptual inception of the Million Man Stumble. “Jack was like, ‘We should get everybody in [the


bars] to go out and march some night to make some kind of a statement about, I don’t know, man – protesting and all that shit.’ So what had originally began as inane drunk-talk between friends eventually blossomed into what we’re seeing double of here today, whatever this is.” Added Bryant: “Like they say, never


loosely


modeled aſter 1995’s Million Man March, an event drawing African American men from across the country to convey to the world “a vastly different picture of the black man” and unite in self-help and self-defense against economic and social ill plaguing the African American community, which drew an estimated crowd of 837,000 participants. Efforts


to estimate the number of participants in the Million Man Stumble


misunderestimate the power of an idea – even one that doesn’t make any sense. I mean, look – seriously, man, look; just look – I mean, we’ve done something here today. Personally, I’ve never been so proud.” Bryant then spent five minutes


vomiting into a public garbage can before conducting a thorough search of his pockets looking for his car keys and passing out on a park bench. A weaving Polaski managed to negotiate see STUMBLE page 8


page 7


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