HOROSCOPES


Gemini (May 21 to June 20) Your nasty habit of not calling people back is deterring people from calling you at all, and your intimate Internet friendships are doing little more than improving your typing. Life isn’t all about e-mail; sooner or later you’re going to need real friends – whether for a ride to work or to testify as a character witness on your behalf – so you’d better put out some favors before you have to try to call them back in.


Cancer (June 21 to July 22) While playing intellectual possum will get you excused from conversations you deem pointless, it could also get you labeled a dullard. Fine. Like they say, “It’s better to keep quiet and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt” – something a lot of people should have tattooed on their forearm and be forcibly silenced long enough to read.


Leo (July 23 to August 22) Your internal emotion suppressor is ready to overload; it’s time to open up like the stomach of an Alka-Seltzer fed seagull and spill your guts to whomever’s willing to listen – your mom, most likely. Moms are known for wanting to offer lots of advice (whether you ask or not), but if you can exploit the gender gap by discussing your New Age problems, she’ll freak and break out the Valium, and soon you’ll both feel a whole lot better.


Virgo (August 23 to September 22) While it is well known that mutual denial is the key to long-lasting marriages, you may also find consistent viewing of today’s prime-time television helpful in keeping arguments to a minimum. Granted, weeknight sitcoms are not funny or even mildly entertaining – they’re not supposed to be. Tat programming is for one purpose only: allowing American couples an excuse to not talk to each other.


Libra (September 23 to October 22) Forget about taking people to court to settle differences; who in hell has the time, money or patience to bribe juries, deal with nitpicking appeals, and suppress the urge to strangle your lawyer? Challenging someone to a duel is a much more efficient and practical method of settling disagreements, provided you don’t live in the legally progressive


states of Mississippi,


Arkansas or Kentucky, which have outlawed dueling, for no good reason.


Scorpio (October 23 to November 21) Heredity isn’t solely responsible for earning you the nickname “Twelve Step” – a lot of your chemical dependency stems from knowing that the crushing pain of modern life is momentarily eased by alcohol. Fear not; denial is the key indicator of clinical alcoholism, so as long as you can admit your drinking problem, you’re in the clear.


Capricorn(December 22 to January 19) You may as well give up on writing those stupid poems – you’re just wasting paper, which doesn’t exactly grow on trees, you know. If you need a release for


those suppressed emotions, try the more contemporary version of self-expression: performance art. Streaking through a Little League baseball diamond may seem like juvenile behavior by a majority of onlookers, but the truly hip will respect it as a form of art.


Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) Be proud of the power with which your magnetic personality attracts members of the opposite sex, but be careful it doesn’t draw any one particular member too close unless you’re ready to be re- polarized. A wedding ring may well give your sense of security a positive charge, but it will also repel the remaining members of the opposite sex.


Pisces (February 19 to March 20) We all enjoy a good cockfight, but you should avoid using one as


the main


course of entertainment on a date – it tends to inspire bloodlust in the human heart. And with today’s Superhardware stores providing such affordable pricing on power equipment, it’s too much to expect neither of you to own some, which could turn a romantic nightcap into a bloody de-cap(itation).


Aries (March 21 to April 19) Your current popularity at work will likely lead to multiple dinner invitations, so you’d better bone up on your table etiquette. Te most important thing to remember is that people tend to be offended by the word “puke,” even if that is exactly what their dinner tastes like. Just stay quiet and shove the awful stuff into your mouth, even if it does look like it’s already been eaten once and has an aroma that would gag a maggot.


Taurus (April 20 to May 20) Life’s first and most important lesson, “the squeaky wheel gets the grease,” deserves a little updating – the squeakier of a wheel you are, in direct relation to the general quietness of the room, is critical in how quickly you get greased. It’s true; try saying “I gotta hit the can” a little louder than is comfortable when your spouse drags you to an opera, and see how quickly you’ll be excused.


Sagittarius(November22to December21) You need to start shaping up at work. Stop taking the blame for things that are every bit your fault – that’s no way to succeed in the business place; being a “go-getter” means going and getting yourself some primitive screwhead from another


department to blame


everything on. And if there’s no avoiding an onus, just say you’re colorblind and have Dyslexia – nobody bitches at the handicapped.


MUSIC


Above: Te neighborhood-offending garage band Te Decent Ascenders.


Neighbors object to garage band’s terrible setlist


Madison, Wis. – Residents of the quiet, suburban 800 block of Gold Spring Avenue told reporters Friday that their objections to the teenaged band jamming in the garage of the Jeffries residence are based not on the noise caused by their early evening rehearsals, but by the songs the teens are selecting to cover. “I’m actually not that opposed to them


making all that racket a couple of nights a week, you know – but damn it if they couldn’t just learn a couple of descent tunes,” said Harold Bishop, 59, who lives across


the street from


the Jeffries residence, where aspiring 17-year- old drummer Adam Jeffries


Te Decent Ascenders routinely


and his band rehearse.


radio or


chords over and over and over again. It’s becoming enough to put me off my eggs.” Opinions of a similar nature have also


begun circulating within the Jeffries household. “I told [Adam] from day one that the


Neighbor Jeffries: “Apparently you can’t call the cops on


somebody for having bad taste in music, or else they’d be here ten times a day, believe me.”


“Most of the songs I don’t even recognize from the


from my record


collection, which ain’t too shabby, I don’t mind telling you. But my God, would it kill them to put away the devil music and kick out a nice, foot-tapping [version of Creedence Clearwater Rivival’s] ‘Proud Mary’ once in a while?” According to reports, although the


upstart band has been rehearsing at the Jeffries residence for the past three months,


it’s been only recently that


neighbors have started to complain about the youths’ taste in music. “I guess for the first little while I didn’t


mind hearing Nirvana’s ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ ten times a night, but now it’s really starting to wear on me,” said Norman Dartmouth, a 38-year-old neighbor. “I know they are [beginners] and they don’t know a whole lot of songs, but it sure would be a lot less unpleasant having to listen to them practicing if they could mix it up a bit and maybe learn something off of In Utero or even Bleach. Imagine, [hearing] those same four


first time the police showed up here because of noise complaints, that would be the end of his band rehearsal days in my house,” said Henry Jeffries, Adam’s father. “Actually, I was kind of counting on that. And here nobody’s said shit, can you believe it? Oh, I never hear the end of it, trust me; every last one of my goddamned neighbors complains to me about how bad they are and how the songs they play stink, but nobody will call


the damn cops because they’re too loud. What the hell is that all about?” Added Henry Jeffries: “And apparently


you can’t call the cops on somebody for having bad taste in music, or else they’d be here ten times a day, believe me.” Adam Jeffries admitted that his band


members generally harbor a universal disinterest in learning most of the songs that have so far been suggested to them by neighbors. “Most of the people who live around


here are really old, so they are always suggesting that we learn really dumb songs like ‘Born to be Wild’ or ‘White Room’ and old crap like that,” said Adam Jeffries. “Except, of course, for old misses Higgins next door. She’s a Jesus freak, so she’s always pokes her head in the garage and saying we should learn some songs that praise Jesus or some shit. We’re like, ‘Okay, whatever.’” Commonplace among the neighbors


until recently seems to have been a supportive attitude, described by see SETLIST page 92


page 91


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