EDITORIAL I’ll be handy if it fucking kills me


As a religious man, I do not question why I was skipped over when God passed out


My whole life I’ve been told that being


handy is not something you can learn, it’s something you’re born with. Well, that theory’s about to be put to the test. I mean, Jesus, if I can take out wisdom teeth I sure as hell ought to be able to fix the garbage disposal. I’ve had it. Hear me now and believe me later: I’m going to become handy if it fucking kills me. I’ve always felt that the desire to take


By Wendell Freeman


the basic mechanical skills with which my siblings are so magnificently endowed. Granted, I’m blessed in other areas; my talent for oral surgery, for example, has allowed me to enjoy great success within the field of dentistry. But as a man, it’s been extremely frustrating to continually be leſt feeling useless when it comes to fixing the car, overhauling the bathroom plumbing or even building a simple tree house for the kids.


NIGHTMARE from page 21


inner peace and self-satisfaction. “On the surface, McFerrin seemed


to have it all: a number one single, international fame, multiple Grammy Award nominations and lucrative tour offers,” Behind the Music narrator Jim Forbes explains during the show’s opening. “But underneath the happy-go- lucky melodies of his perennial hit was a man quickly spiraling into a world of love, happiness and spiritual fulfillment that threatened to further stabilize his life and inspire songs. Bobby McFerrin: Behind the Music.” VH1’s Carla Fanglo, executive producer


of the popular Behind the Music series, said that while music fans around the world were becoming familiar with McFerrin’s universally appealing feel-good melodies, few knew that the positive vibes characteristic of the 42-year-old’s music were slowly beginning to pervade McFerrin’s personal life. “Like most virtuoso artists, McFerrin’s


success of “Don’t Worry Be Happy” also created weighty financial repercussions. Tough McFerrin refused to sell out – turning down a multitude of product endorsements and other fast-money deals – the phenomenal international sales of his Simple Pleasures album generated substantial royalty money – money that McFerrin, against the advice of DeGraff, thoughtfully sank into sound, reputable investments. “If McFerrin had never invested that


money he would’ve never had to pay the taxes on the monstrous returns those investments brought him,” said DeGraff,


“I guess that’s when he pretty much McFerrin, against the advice of


just snapped,” said DeGraff. “Instead of heading right back into the studio to write another fiſteen songs that sounded exactly like ‘Don’t Worry Be Happy,’ he went out into leſt field with the orchestra conducting stuff. All the time wearing a big smile on his face, too – like he was enjoying just going out and doing whatever the hell he wanted to and not becoming a puppet for the [music] industry. It broke my heart to see him like that, but there was pretty much no talking to him by that point.” Added DeGraff: “Tank God MC Hammer was coming up right behind him.” Decades later, a grounded,


his former manager, thoughtfully sank his profits into sound, reputable investments.


music was driven by his own personal demons,” said Fanglo. “His desire to bring music to children, to grow as a musician, his commitments to religion and his family, his quest to unite people through music – McFerrin’s success allowed him to begin to pursue and indulge in these excesses. Unfortunately for McFerrin, feeding these inner demons only made them grow stronger and stronger.” According to McFerrin’s former manager, Kevin DeGraff, the unforeseen


divulging one of the never-before-told tragedies that sidled his former client’s skyrocketing career. “And now that Bobby no longer needed to worry about making more money, he started making all sorts of insane career decisions.” Indeed, under continued pressure from


his wife Debbie for McFerrin to continue chasing his dreams, McFerrin – ignoring offers for concerts and events brought on by his sudden popularity – instead began seriously pursuing a career in conducting, again to his manager’s disapproval.


carefree McFerrin – now a


father of three, world-


renown classical conductor and passionate spokesman for music education – explained to Behind the Music how his love of music, fulfillment of his goals and


support from his family contributed to his personal implosion. “All that stuff starts to add up,” said


McFerrin, interviewed at his modest Hollywood


residence. “I remember


being so happy at the time with all of the good fortune that I was having that I just wanted to burst. I had so much love and happiness and music built up in my heart that songs and love would just pour out of me around-the-clock. I still have flashbacks of that time in my life.”


U.S. sales of Mega Cooper flop


Villain gives shackled Bond longwinded spiel regarding world conquest


page 23


pride in a job well done is one of the defining attributes of a handyman – a characteristic that’ll need summoning for me to become the next Tim the Tool Man. As they say, an object at rest tends to stay at rest – so it would seem I’m up against nothing less than physics from the get- go, since my wife has for years harbored zero expectation when it comes to me fixing things around the house. What a lucky break it was for me that our family car recently broke down, an event that’s spurred me down my ambitious and probably self-destructive path. My sincere aversion to personal injury


will no doubt be obstacle in my quest to forge


another weighty even


mediocre handiness. Accidentally jamming a slotted screwdriver into my wrist trying to pry off a fan belt, for example, held about as much appeal for me as becoming one of my own patients. But I’ll need to learn to embrace rewards such as excruciating pain if I’m to become Mr. Handy – or at least I think


I’ll need to learn to embrace rewards such as excruciating pain if I’m to become Mr. Handy.


that’s what the emergency room nurse was trying to tell me by saying, “No pain, no gain.” Now there was a girl who could use her trap wired shut. Perpetually dirty hands is another


attribute of a handy individual that I’m still warming up to – as are my patients, as


far as


the strongest of soaps cannot disguise instances when much of


I can tell. Apparently, even the evening


before an oral surgery was spent siſting


through a pan of engine coolant, looking for an alternator bolt that fell off a bucking engine. Well, Mr. Patient, my apologies, but you’re lucky I came in at all this morning. Tat engine fan just about chewed my fucking arm off. Speaking of danger, I can’t say that


electricity has ever really been my best friend in the world. We’ve had smaller run-ins before – the ignition of a toaster here, a block fire there. Te unhandy man of old would simply look the other way in these instances, but when the dryer damn near exploded today aſter I handily bridged a circuit using a staple gun, I, Mr. Handy, repeating my creed, became eager to jump right in. Tis will be the trial by fire! Te true test of my passage into handiness! Now, typically, no one will argue that


significant electrical work such as home 220V wiring shouldn’t be leſt to an expert. Fortunately, years of observing men of the handy persuasion have taught me not to start that argument to begin with. Besides, if I don’t get the dryer running soon the washed cloths are going to start getting moldy. Wish me luck!


Youth either flashing gang signs or suffering acute arthritis


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40  |  Page 41  |  Page 42  |  Page 43  |  Page 44  |  Page 45  |  Page 46  |  Page 47  |  Page 48  |  Page 49  |  Page 50  |  Page 51  |  Page 52  |  Page 53  |  Page 54  |  Page 55  |  Page 56  |  Page 57  |  Page 58  |  Page 59  |  Page 60  |  Page 61  |  Page 62  |  Page 63  |  Page 64  |  Page 65  |  Page 66  |  Page 67  |  Page 68  |  Page 69  |  Page 70  |  Page 71  |  Page 72  |  Page 73  |  Page 74  |  Page 75  |  Page 76  |  Page 77  |  Page 78  |  Page 79  |  Page 80  |  Page 81  |  Page 82  |  Page 83  |  Page 84  |  Page 85  |  Page 86  |  Page 87  |  Page 88  |  Page 89  |  Page 90  |  Page 91  |  Page 92  |  Page 93  |  Page 94  |  Page 95  |  Page 96  |  Page 97  |  Page 98  |  Page 99  |  Page 100  |  Page 101  |  Page 102  |  Page 103  |  Page 104  |  Page 105  |  Page 106  |  Page 107  |  Page 108  |  Page 109