A page from the Recoil handbook... Airplane Etiquette
Airplane travel can be a nerve-racking experience. Below are some basic tips for contributing to a more comfortable in-flight atmosphere: front of you awake and alert in case there is an emergency.
• A note about boarding: officials agree that boarding is one of the most dangerous penalties in hockey, so expect to receive a five minute major for boarding, no matter the situational conditions. Arguing with flight officials about the boarding call will only result in your being ejected from the plane.
• Should a stranger start driving you crazy telling you his life story, vomiting all over him will oſten resolve the issue without you having to be rude.
• Try not to bother the flight staff until that gremlin out on the wing that nobody else can see really looks to be making progress in dismantling one of the jet’s engines.
• Having sex in the bathroom, first class, or coach area is strictly off-limits. The only place public sex is permitted on a commercial airplane is in the cockpit. So, looks like you’d better start working on earning that pilot’s license, pervert.
• The sooner you begin forcing conversation on the stranger sitting next to you, the sooner that passenger will try to move to another seat, giving you the entire armrest.
• If you need to make a tight connection, let a flight attendant know. He or she will probably think you’re pretty hip for using the slang “tight” instead of “cool,” and they’ll let you off first.
• Use caution when retrieving items from the overhead compartments, as items tend to shapeshift during flight.
• Grab and kick at the seat in front of you; this will help keep the passengers in LINE from page 29
three postal employees manning the service counter. As the single-file line swelled to nearly 20 patrons and the wait to upwards of 10 minutes, the intense sense of urgency that gripped many of the line members began to physically manifest itself. “Sighing loudly is probably the most common way
that people in public
environments communicate to others that they, too, are distraught by the situation,” explained sociologist Chris Gibbons, a leading expert
on crowd
hostility. “Tey’ll roll their eyes or laugh sarcastically while shaking Maybe
their head. they’ll
and, call
someone on their cell phone
talking
loudly enough for everybody in line to hear it, tell the person on the other end of the phone that they’re ‘stuck in a stupid line at the post office.’ The idea is to avoid coming right out and saying what everybody there is thinking: ‘Okay, this blows.’” Perhaps more prevalent than the
obvious venting of displeasure was each line members’ adamant concern that the
SCORES Agent Hill
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was a matter of life or death. I was like, ‘Take it easy, dude.’ It’s not like I was there to defuse a bomb – just mailing a goddamned letter.” On-duty postal workers appreciated
Livingston’s blithe tolerance of the delay. “Jesus, it’s not like these people were
Iraqis waiting in the water line,” said post office clerk Sheri Miller. “Customers always get totally uptight when they have to wait in line for a couple of minutes. So five minutes of your life is wasted – so what? It’s not something to get your blood pressure up about. Tell you what, don’t smoke that next cigarette and you’ll have that five minutes of your life back.”
customer heading the line react promptly when it became their turn to be helped. “Tey’re open down on the end!” barked
one line member when patron Andre Livingston – one of the few customers who didn’t appear on the verge of physical and emotional implosion – did not instantly step toward an open clerk. “I was talking on my cell phone and
didn’t notice I was up,” said Livingston, 34. “Te guy right behind me was practically shouting at me to go, like it
As the single-file line swelled to nearly 20 patrons and the wait to upwards of
five minutes, the intense sense of urgency that gripped many of the line members began to physically manifest itself.
LAZY from page 29
this group of youths, 78 percent lack the personal motivation needed to achieve such a goal. “For
today’s angry, rebellious teen,
running away from home represents the ultimate escape, the ultimate freedom – which all sounds great until they realize they’re actually going to have to put in a little bit of work in order to make it happen,” said Dr. Helen Hayes, a clinical psychiatrist specializing in counseling teenagers. “I don’t know about your kids, but mine would starve to death before actually putting forth the thirty seconds worth of effort involved in making themselves a sandwich. So as far as them running away from home, where they’d have to fend for themselves for a change, I don’t think I have too much to worry about.” Hayes cited several studies showing
that today’s teenagers spend an unprecedented number of hours each day watching television, surfing the web, playing video games or simply lounging around, oſten going to extreme lengths to avoid engaging in more physical activities such as cleaning their room, walking, riding a bicycle or even swimming. Jeffery Skyles, a 16-year-old resident of
Billings, Mont., participated in the study by answering questions during a short interview conducted by Notre Dame researchers. “My parents are constantly on my case
about my grades or the way I dress or a million other things, to the point where
sometimes I just want to take off, man,” said Skyles, who has never held a part- time job, babysat or mowed lawns for money. “But then I think, ‘Well, if I leave home I won’t have anywhere to plug in my computer to play World of Warcraſt.’ So I usually just lock my bedroom door, crank up the stereo mom just bought me and try to stick it out.” During another interview, one which
took place immediately following a fight with his parents, 17-year-old Daniel Ewing of Irvine, Calif., spelled out his options for his interviewer and walked him through his reasoning. “On one hand, yes, my dad looks like
he’s totally going to hit me or at least cuss me out big-time every time I bring home a failing grade or get a girl pregnant or something,” said Ewing. “But run away from home? First I’d have to haul all of my dirty clothes down to the laundry room so my mom could wash everything. Ten I’d have to roll all of dad’s change into rolls so I’d have some money for Subway or something. Plus, I haven’t really gotten around to taking my driving test yet, so I’d be having to hoof it wherever I go – and it’s like ninety-five degrees out there or some shit.” Ewing then got up to adjust the
temperature on the house’s central air thermostat before snagging a bag of Doritos from atop the fully stocked refrigerator and plopping back down on the couch in front of his parents’ 45-inch plasma screen television.
• Upon arrival, each passenger is required to immediately stand up the second the airplane comes to rest at your gate. Te reasoning behind this is unclear, but it’s obviously very important since everyone does it on every single flight.
• If someone is having trouble getting their bag out of the overhead compartment, fuck ‘em.
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