CRAP from page 53


development of useless crap yet to be explored. Take this thing, for example,” said Taylor, holding up a small, plastic product of unknown functionality. “Te package reads, ‘LED Finger Flare,’ but I ask you, seriously: what in the hell is this thing? What on Earth is it for? What conceivable purpose could a consumer possibly have for this thing? Fortunately, through careful use of this generous U.S. funding, questions such as these may soon be answered.” Taylor’s article explains that the United


States has led the way in the development of useless crap for decades. “Without the United


Added Taylor: “Well, occasionally you


can. Like, if you can’t come up with anything else that week, I suppose. Actually, that’s not a half-bad idea. Excuse me while I jot that down real quick.” Taylor was hesitant to speculate where


the world would be in the realm of useless crap without the United States’ contributions. “Imagine a world in which your mega-


retailers have no overflowing bins of useless, plastic crap on sale for $2.99 each at the end of each aisle,” said Taylor. “I’m


“Tere are many areas in the


Large amounts of U.S. funding will be used to research the intended use of many of the useless trinkets (above) currently flooding the market.


the Boston-based freelance writer who authored the article. Taylor


said that despite holding a


commanding lead amongst the nations of the world in the scientific development of useless crap, the United States’ promise to pump $34 billion into the industry this year signals the nation’s strong desire to promote further advances in useless crap


GUARD from page 53


I’ve proven effective at watching the museum floors, making sure people are following the rules and vigilantly scanning for suspicious activity of any nature,” said Andrews while giving an extra-long stink eye to a giggling young couple,


their voices down. “Regardless of


silently warning them to keep the


fact that I’m not allowed to carry one, a good security guard doesn’t need a gun to enforce policy. All I have to carry is my disparaging attitude, which I’ve carefully refined during years of low-level security detail such as this.” “Well, that and sometimes I need my


[two-way] radio to call in some real guards who actually have guns and Tazers and handcuffs and shit,” added Andrews, coyly pulling back his suit coat to proudly reveal his communication device. “But very, very rarely do I get a chance to do cool stuff like that. So, granted, a lot of it is about being great at just standing around and acting like an asshole – the most valuable skill I learned from my father.” Reports regarding the behavior of


Andrews – who completed a four-hour security training course in 1991 – revolve around the intense, judgmental stares and exaggerated, abrasive body language exhibited by the museum’s newest member of its security personnel. “[Andrews], intentionally or not, really


gives off that look that says, ‘You best watch yourself, motherfucker. Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you. I’m an authority figure around here, so how about you just move along, scumbag,’” said distressed, non-threatening museum sightseer Gabe


Prax. “I was viewing a piece for, like, I swear, no more than twenty seconds before [Andrews] started eyeballing me like he would just as soon see me behind bars as passively enjoying myself. What an asshole; I can see why he went pro – [he] probably gets off on the idea of getting paid to do stuff like that all day.” Independent security consultant Bruce


Handel explained that employing a finely honed “absolute asshole” posture and facial expression can be an effective tool for otherwise unarmed security guards charged with the handling of large groups of people. “Most of these so-called ‘rent-a-cops’


are ex-policemen who got fired from the force for excessive violence or bad shootings and whatnot,” Handel said in an attempt to rationalize Andrews’ demeanor. “Public safety is usually all these [guards] have ever known, so they oſten turn to putting their skills to work in the private sector – which includes bringing to their lesser positions all of the prejudices, God complexes, suspicious nature and general asshole-ness that was formerly expected of them as peace officers. “But then there are also those, like


Andrews, who just use their loathsome, asshole actions to pass the time during work,” noted Handel. “As long as [Andrews] realizes he needs to grow an obnoxious mustache and maybe put on some black Aviators, I expect he’ll do really well for himself, so long as he remembers to always be a complete and total asshole in response to all situations.”


technology. “Sure, the United States has played a


large part in making sure that worthless gadgets such as the blender phone or the rat race clock or those crazy, mutated bottle


opener-slash-keychains line


the shelves of every department store, mega-retailer and pharmacy you walk into, but there are many areas in the


States’ diligent efforts in promoting the scientific advancement of useless crap, the world would be in the Stone Age when it comes to pointless gadgets such as glowsticks,” said Taylor. “Let me put it this way: you can’t just attach something shiny to a keychain and call it ‘progress’ in this business.”


LEVEE from page 53


score soon before I go into full-blown withdrawal.” Having exhausted his personal supply


of the illegal and highly addictive opiate Wednesday evening, Smythe began scouring known sources on the street proximate to his temporary residence behind a dumpster in Riverfront Park, only to find all of his usual dealers to be currently out of product and unable to speculate on exactly when they expected their next shipments to arrive. “Even aſter I found out that all my


dealers were dry, I wasn’t too worried about it, because if their entire supplies were sold out, I figured that would mean that a lot of the addicts I know would be holding,” Smythe said in a slightly trembling voice. “Us dope fiends are always helping each other out; you know, selling each other just enough of our own [heroin] to get by without getting dope- sick until we can score on our own.” Smythe’s worst fears became realized


upon the discovery that none of his associates were holding either. “I started tracking down all my junkie


buddies to ask if they were holding and they’d all say, ‘Shit, man, I was about to ask you the same thing.’ Tat’s when I started grasping that I might be in real trouble,” said Smythe before flooding a public trash can with vomit right in front of a group of mortified tourists. “I’m sure half of [the addicts Smythe asked] were sandbagging – lying about not having any because they were worried about their own supply drying out before the streets are again flooded with smack. But, hey, been there, done that myself on more than one occasion. Can’t say that I’m proud of hording my stash, but when a crisis reaches this high of a level, it’s every man for himself.” Despite being convinced that the levee


was holding, a shaking and itching Smythe expressed apprehension in approaching the man-made embankment in hopes of procuring drugs. “Trust me, I sure as hell don’t want to


have to resort to go begging some spur dike for


some H,” explained Smythe,


whose physical condition was rapidly eroding. “First off, I’ve never dealt with her before, so she ain’t gonna know me from Adam. I mean, I know from reputation that she’s solid, but she won’t know if I’m a cop or a narc or whatever. For all [the levee] knows I could start piping up around town about how she’s constantly under tons of pressure, which could end up completely undermining her whole operation. Hell, that’s exactly how the levee in Poplar Bluff [got] popped back in April.” By Friday evening, however, Smythe’s


worsening withdrawal symptoms compelled him to at least try to determine if the levee was holding. “Screw it, I’m heading down there,”


said Smythe, whose clothes had already become soaked from the uncontrollable fountain of sweat


caused by opiate


withdrawal. “Besides, if I go down there and find out the levee isn’t holding, at least I’ll know for sure that I’m sunk. Because if the Mississippi levee system – one of the largest such systems in the world – isn’t holding, then it’s going to be a complete disaster. Methadone clinic, here I come.” Laboring to stand upright aſter having


spent several hours coiled into the fetal position, Smythe managed to jest despite facing such desperation, saying: “Hell, even if the levee isn’t holding, this is Cape Giradeau – the town where Rush Limbaugh was born and raised – so you know there’s got to be some dope around here somewhere.”


page 55


development of useless crap yet to be explored. Take this thing, for example,” said Taylor, holding up a small, plastic product of unknown functionality.


not sure how we’d all get by not having all of these useless trinkets cluttering our shelves at home, but thanks to the U.S.’ financial commitment, none of us will have to find out anytime soon.”


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