RECOILMAG.COM
recoil
Short ice cream vendor develops
Neapolitan complex Burbank, Calif. – Five-foot-three-inch ice cream vendor Mario Fuentes, who as of
late seems to routinely run low
Coroner easily moves suspension artist’s corpse
Baby, mom want bottle and bed quikSTAT
Most common reasons for divorce - Mail-order bride damaged in shipping - Irreconcilable body parts - Must redeem winning Lotto ticket within one year - Dying to get with foxy in-law - Spouse obviously lacking sense of humor or wouldn’t have called the cops
- Want to masturbate in peace - Any sob story the Judge will fall for
on or be completely out of Neapolitan- flavored ice cream, has begun displaying signs of having developed a Neapolitan complex, area residents said Tuesday. “Mario always seems to be trying to overcompensate for the fact that he’s so short on Neapolitan ice cream,” said Clyde Reynolds, a local bank teller who frequents Fuentes’ vending cart. “For instance, he’ll go out of his way to really brag up the other flavors in order to kind of draw attention away from his Neapolitan bin, which has usually been scraped almost bare by noon. Or he’ll put every other flavor on sale for half price. I think this behavior is all a way of making up for his being so short [on Neapolitan], which I believe is a condition psychologists refer to as a Neapolitan complex.” Asked to comment, Fuentes sternly insisted that being short on multi- flavored ice cream in no way violates any law or hurts his business in any manner, and suggested that he should be treated no differently than any other ice cream vendor because of his condition.
SCORES Catch
Hang
22 Hawaii Five 10 Ocean’s
0 11
NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST Greece pawns own government
Above: One of the many Greek government buildings included as collateral in the pawn loan.
Athens, Greece – Greek President Karolos Papoulias, desperate to cover the country’s debt obligations long enough to implement a financial restructuring capable of avoiding the derailment of the European Union economy, consigned the consolidation of Greece’s parliament, employees, services, military and governing powers to a pawnshop, Papoulias confirmed Friday.
“Obviously, “Anyone who’s ever found
themselves in an impossible financial corner such as the country of Greece
using the ruling organization of the country as collateral in exchange for immediate cash from some shady pawnbroker was a last resort,” admitted Papoulias, wiping sweat from his brow while being questioned by reporters
should sympathize with our motivation and intentions,” said Papoulias.
regarding the unprecedented transaction. “But, I mean, you guys know how it is – when you’re short on cash and simply out of options, you hit the pawnshop. Anyone who’s ever found themselves in an impossible financial corner such as the country of Greece should sympathize with our motivation and intentions.” Papoulias claimed
to have “gotten the best collateral loan price possible” in trade for his nation’s government through lengthy
negotiations with Athenian pawnbroker Ioannis Feraios, owner of Athens’ Swap & Shop. “Naturally, I expected the pawnbroker see GREECE page 67
County’s snow plowed back into neighborhood driveways Trucks responds to citizens’ massive redistribution effort
“Commuters can rest
assured they will encounter safe driving conditions on the roads this morning,
assuming they can get their cars out of their driveways,” said Lang.
of county roads and into the entrances of all homeowners’ driveways. “Over the weekend, county snowplow
drivers worked around the clock plowing all of the snow off of the roads and into see SNOW page 67
Leſt: St. Joseph County roadplows push shoveled snow back into citizens’ driveways.
page 65
St. Joseph, Mich. – Road officials governing St. Joseph County announced with great satisfaction Monday that the buildup of snow on the county’s roads resulting from the massive weekend blizzard has successfully been plowed off
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72 |
Page 73 |
Page 74 |
Page 75 |
Page 76 |
Page 77 |
Page 78 |
Page 79 |
Page 80 |
Page 81 |
Page 82 |
Page 83 |
Page 84 |
Page 85 |
Page 86 |
Page 87 |
Page 88 |
Page 89 |
Page 90 |
Page 91 |
Page 92 |
Page 93 |
Page 94 |
Page 95 |
Page 96 |
Page 97 |
Page 98 |
Page 99 |
Page 100 |
Page 101 |
Page 102 |
Page 103 |
Page 104 |
Page 105 |
Page 106 |
Page 107 |
Page 108 |
Page 109