LIFESTYLE
eHarmony.com founder matches socks based on 29 dimensions of compatibility
Pasadena, Calif. – Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of the popular Internet dating service
eHarmony.com, matches his
laundered socks based on 29 dimensions of compatibility necessary for creating harmonious, long-lasting sock pairings, the well-known psychologist and author told reporters Tuesday. “While others attempt to match socks
based on a very limited amount of information such as
size, color and
stitching pattern, our scientifically developed set of compatibility principles is proven to foster that magical union between two socks that can lead to long- term domestic bliss,” said Warren from his Pasadena home. “Every day, socks from around the world
their drawer- mates
are finding right
here
in the comfort of my laundry room, thanks
to an our
advanced system.” Drinking tea from eHarmony.
to end in separation within their first year,” Warren said using the same soſt, comforting voice found in his eHarmony. com television and radio commercials. “It’s important to understand that the reason socks will suddenly abandon their partners usually has to do with the fact that the pair – although seemingly compatible on the surface – should never have been together in the first place. Te resulting situation eventually becomes one of extreme discomfort for all parties involved, and the partnership is ultimately doomed to failure.” Warren’s intensive study of successful
“Every day, socks from
around the world are finding their drawer-mates right here in the comfort of my
com mug while carefully sorting printouts of each sock’s computer-generated character profile, Warren explained that the principles of his patented sock-pairing technique were developed based on information garnered during 30 years of first-hand clinical research. “I spent years interviewing housewives,
maids and laundry service employees in an effort to understand what causes three out of every four sock pairings
EDITORIAL Unt nu we a sprinkle de fleur
Eer skir mor por skir dir skikadoo, mmnork der snu nyork dir mmmn, Bork Bork Bork! ….Dur un ski doo inda bir. Mm nu we tayka inda beeg. Un skur dee
By Te Swedish Chef
horda reem. Ir skirbi hor dir skurba hibir nu. Ir skubor mir inda cookin caken. Skidoo mor! Birdirski. Oh, bi dir ski da morg. Skibork du skirmork dee skikadoo. Skirborsk skimork ski bir skibir. A spirgun a mirdur, spirgir under cakeski bu, nubir da. Birski borsk “Iya mono
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bir.” Ir skirbir skirdi mmnork. Goskir di bir! Unski birdir da caken smoosher. Mor dir skudir hinder dough. Di skir da sprinkle de fleur, sprinkle de fleur, sprinkle de fleur on de dough. Oh, hikir deskir de dunka. Di kaskir dor, de caken dir hunyuns. Oh ya, hunyun ur very gud fir da singen sool. Un dir spurgi hirndi spurndi. Iyir di borga boom boom. Ir un dir inski room. Ira dir mor, di mir deskir dir speesy spicy soose. Ir mor, dir speesy spicy. Iskidoo dir skipir skoodir ir mor skumorg. Iskir dir hotsy-totsy. Unsmork dir soose. Musir dir meata-loafer. Mirskir dir meat, mirskir dir loafer. Undir – OH! … Nu meata-loafer. Undir roosta torkey! Hir we getda torkey. Hir,
torkey, nirs torkey. Nu, we rosta dir torkey. Ir dir mor
Nu meata-loafer. Undir roosta torkey! Hir we
getda torkey. Hir, torkey, nirs torkey. Nu, we rosta dir torkey.
dir mirskir dir skurba hibir nir. Un skur dee skidoo mor birski. Bir skirdir hikir. Ir hur skir dir morbork ir dir flippen flappin jacken hirkin. Undir hirskibor dir batter. Ahir dough, a snirdir morda borkendir mor. Skidoor morn dir bir hoor dir sploosh. Askir dir mor dir flip-flop flippin flappin jacken undir mork. Unspir dirhir dirpski de cocoonoot. Askir de cocoonoot, askir do open dir cocoonoot. Ir skir dir bir skiborsk dir cootin, sawski, mordir cloobin dir cocoonoot. Undir hundir skoodir Borski mor dir skudir.
Dir spurgi deski. Norski dir skibork dur skirdir di skir: Eer skir mor por skir dir skikadoo, mmnork der snu nyork dir mmmn, Bork Bork Bork!
and unsuccessful sock matches led he and his team of researchers to identify combinations of 29 key dimensions common
to
ha r m o n i o us pairings.
Tese
laundry room, thanks to our advanced system,” said Clark.
dimensions include such traits as color, length,
width,
fabric, age, stiffness, elasticity, texture, stitch quality and
stitch pattern, among others. Warren said that compiling a
comprehensive and accurate profile of each foot garment is key to finding a sock its life-partner. “Each new profile is run through our
proprietary matching model, where it is screened against a database of existing profiles in order to locate the most compatible matches,” said Warren, opening a dresser drawer to reveal
Above:
eHarmony.com founder and spokesman Dr. Neil Clark Warren applies his reveered matching skills.
dozens of perfectly matched socks as a testimonial to his system’s success. “A lot of times you can just tell that two socks are meant to be together from the moment you put them side by side. It brings me a great deal of satisfaction when I see socks that have sat alone for so long finally make that magical
connection.” According to Warren, other information
obtained during the initial screening process – such as details regarding the sock’s history with previous partners – occasionally suggests that his system may not be able to find the sock a suitable match. “Tere are some socks that you’re just
never going to be able to find a match for,” said Warren, holding up a ragged, faded pink sock that appeared to be losing its elasticity. “Some of these socks are too old. Some have been through such harsh experiences in the past that
“Our scientifically developed set of
compatibility principles is proven to foster that magical union between
two socks that can lead to long-term domestic bliss.”
they’ve become very abrasive and seem unable to provide any warmth or comfort anymore. And some are quite obviously on the verge of completely coming apart. I’m afraid that you’re just not going to find a compatible partner for deeply flawed socks such as these. I usually throw them in the garage to use for rags when I change the oil in my car – the miserable, lonely bastards.”
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