HEALTH
New strain of yawn twice as contagious
Geneva, Switzerland – Officials at the World Health Organization (WHO) issued a global warning Tuesday that a devastating new strain of yawn – which experts say is at least twice as contagious as the common yawn – is continuing to quickly spread across all populated continents and now presents a worldwide threat. “Over the past seventy-two hours, the
World Health Organization has received numerous reports about uncontrollable and excessive yawning taking place in many parts of the world – especially the really boring parts, like the Netherlands or even the Midwestern United States,” explained WHO Director-General Lee Jong-wook at a press conference Tuesday morning in Geneva. “One report from Mexican officials claims that people across their country are yawning even more often than they would be if they were all at jobs of some sort. So that’s how bad it is.” Identified by Malaysian
physicians in late July, the hybrid strain of yawn not only passes from one person to another with even more efficiency than a typical yawn, but can also pass
from humans to animals and vise-versa, lasts 75 percent longer than a normal yawn and appears to wholly resist the counter-effects of Red Bull. “Now, we all know how contagious
yawns are to begin with,” Jong-wook said, ‘but this new, more powerful, more communicable strain of yawn threatens to create a mass yawning epidemic unlike anything we’ve seen before.” The ever-deliberate Jong-wook then
paused briefly before qualifying his statement, adding: “Well, except perhaps for when Zoolander was in theaters.” According to Jong-wook, WHO
officials have not yet been able to isolate the hybrid strain, identify its origin or develop a means of stopping the yawn’s spread.
Above Citizens of particularly boring areas of the world, such as these Nebraskan men, have been struck hard by the new strain of yawn.
Jong-wook opened his eyes extra-wide,
enough, pretty soon everybody in the room is following suit and we end up voting to take an early lunch. This is part of what’s making progress on this matter so difficult.” Although experts agree
quickly shook his head as if trying to regain his composure, blinked hard four times and then addressed the reporter’s question.
“We’ve had numerous meetings
regarding this crisis, but every time we get together somebody ends up letting out a yawn,” Jong-wook said. “Sure
that this new strain of highly communicable yawn is not life-threatening, Jong-wook cautioned that persons infected with the involuntary
muscle reaction will find themselves more susceptible to a number of minor health hazards. “A person could very easily strain his or
her jaw muscles during a violent yawning fit,” explained Jong-wook. “Or just imagine how much having your mouth spread wide open all the time because you’re yawning would increase your chances of accidentally swallowing a fly. Disgusting.” Asked by a reporter if there was anything
a person could do to stop yawning once exposed to the hybrid strain, Jong-wook put his fist in front of his mouth and worked through a very large yawn. He then opened his eyes extra-wide, quickly shook his head as if trying to regain his see YAWN page 76
A page from the Recoil handbook... Golf Tips
Golf has long remained one of the most popular sports throughout the world, played as much for relaxation as for competition. Here are some tips to help sharpen your game:
• Beginners: part of the allure of golf is that the game presents almost unlimited situations that require the player to constantly be making tough choices. Still, for simplicity’s sake, you’re probably best off picking one end of the club to strike the ball with and sticking with it.
• Your first goal should be developing a good short game. Your second should be getting a cart airborne.
• Many players find that they get more practice and enjoyment out of hitting a bucket of balls if they dump out the balls and hit each one independently.
• You should be trying to hit the ball really, really hard. Also note that direction can be important in some situations.
• Follow through is very important, so if you’re going to threaten to kick someone’s ass for hitting into you, you better damn well be ready to throw down.
• It is considered bad manners to talk about uninteresting subjects in the middle of other players’ swings.
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• Despite what you may see on TV, golf is still a good way to avoid minorities, homeless people and homosexuals.
• A lot of golf “pros” will tell you that the key to success is being able to play the fairway, but the cheating way sure sounds a lot easier.
• If you notice that rakes are laid out near all of the sand traps, consider yourself lucky, because you came during the course’s Free Rake Day promotion! Free rakes! Whoohoo!
• You can shave strokes off your average by hitting more holes-in-one.
• Hold your feet apart, but not too far apart. Hold your arms stiff, but
not too stiff. Basically, do everything perfectly every time.
• This isn’t a mini-golf course! Congratulations, son, you just drove a ball into that Amish man’s windmill.
• You can avoid having to learn how to chip by simply landing the ball on the green with your longer iron shots.
• Word to the wise: be certain as
to the sexual orientation of your foursome before suggesting that the group continue on to the 19th hole.
• Even funnier than giving one of your friends a novelty golf ball that explodes is giving them a novelty golf cart that explodes.
• Face it, buddy, the only way you’re ever going to shoot in the 70s is by building a goddamn time machine.
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