HOT WOMEN from page 5
for positions every bit as quickly as they always have.” Independent economic analyst Eli
Patterson said the report indicates that although the national jobless rate for run-of-the-mill, average-looking workers actually rose from 7.8 percent in November to 7.9 percent in December, not a single attractive female under the age of 30 is currently unable to find work. “Sure, today’s job market is kind of a
nightmare for those unskilled laborers who are maybe a few pounds overweight or not especially striking or, well, male,” said Patterson, speaking from his New York office. “But the Labor Department’s December figures say conditions remain optimal for gorgeous, barely legal girls to find someone willing to hire them – especially if they wear their hair down and dress in semi-revealing clothes for their interviews. It’s little things like that which can catch a male human resource manager’s eye and go a long way toward getting them the job.” Patterson claimed that thin, young, ultra-
sexy women have a distinct advantage in today’s job market: “Employers in general
WORLDWIDE HEADLINES
Report: Fucking blamed for swelling of
world population Las Vegas, Nev. – According to a three- year study conducted by researchers at UNLV, the blame for the quickly escalating world population can be assigned to all of the fucking in which couples around the globe are continuing to engage. “Our study proves that you, I and everyone else of consenting age – save homosexuals and Catholic priests – are to blame here,” Dr. James R. Tobias told reporters Monday. “Unfortunately, overpopulation will continue to be a very real long-term threat to humanity so long as we all continue to fuck like there’s no tomorrow.” Although the study’s report fails to outline possible solutions for quelling the worldwide craving to fuck, Tobias did respond to questions by suggesting that alcohol being banned from all trailer parks may go a long way toward slowing the population explosion.
Kitten catapulted
from recliner headrest Port Huron, Mich. – Local short-order cook Kyle Holmstead’s
14-week-old
kitten, Tiger, is unharmed and in good spirits following an accidental catapulting from the headrest of Holmstead’s rocking recliner late Tursday evening. “I got up from the recliner to use the bathroom and I forgot [Tiger] was taking a nap on the headrest,” Kyle Holmstead, 34, explained of the circumstances surrounding the kitten’s unexpected launch. “I stood up pretty fast, and the chair’s got a wicked recoil; Tiger must’ve flown at least six feet. It was really cute, actually.” Upon
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landing, Tiger reportedly darted out of the room, only to return to the volatile nap site less than an hour later.
Extremely quiet life flashes before dying
mime’s eye Manhattan, N.Y. – Forty-six-year-old pantomime artist Kyle Sikes saw his inaudible life flash before his eyes Tuesday night as
the veteran street performer
drew his final breath and succumbed to stab wounds inflicted by an irritated pedestrian
whose identity remains
unknown. Dressed in classic mime garb and whiteface makeup, Sikes prefaced his death by envisioning a series of notably muted scenes from his life, nearly all of which included Sikes’ constant use of exaggerated gestures and annoying bodily movements when expressing his artistic talent to others. “Individuals who have been revived aſter briefly dying oſten report seeing their entire lives pass before their eyes,” explained psychologist
Dr. Martin Freeman. “Having been a professional mime most of his life, Mister Sikes’s flashes likely included little-to- no dialogue – just physical gesturing. Stupid, annoying and talentless physical gesturing – more specifically.” Witnesses present at Sikes’ death said it remained unclear whether the dying mime’s final gestures were an attempt to describe the type of casket he wished to be buried in or if he was performing one last pantomime of the classic “trapped in a box” routine.
Nature leaves message Hendrickson, N.C. – Nature was forced
to settle for leaving a message aſter its familiar call went unanswered by advertising
salesman Hans Peterson
Friday aſternoon. “I was on the phone with a client when nature called,” said Peterson, explaining his dismissal of nature’s initial call. “Ten I got really busy and simply didn’t have time to respond properly to nature’s call. I got the message that night, though – loud and clear – and ended up on the toilet for an hour, backed up to my elbows.” Peterson said he was fully expecting nature to call again the following morning aſter the 45-year- old consumes his regular breakfast of a bran muffin and cappuccino.
Dieter experiences 30-day moment of
Used car lot rolls back prices, odometers
weakness Hartford, Conn. – Admittedly overweight receptionist Jean Dickinson explained to sources Tuesday that her second attempt to lose 30 pounds in 30 days using a diet outlined in a women’s magazine was derailed by an extended moment of weakness which lasted the entirety of the
diet’s timeline. “As committed as I was to sticking to my diet this time, I’m afraid I did have a moment of weakness in there,” said Dickinson, 44, of her 30-day, uninterrupted moment of relapse from sticking to a restricted food regimen. “It started that first morning of the diet with a raspberry Danish and lasted up through the meatlover’s pizza I broke down and ordered last night when I was supposed to be suffering through my last scheduled dinner of celery stalks.” Dickinson vowed to continue her work toward achieving her target weight, expressing an interest in trying a new 14-day diet in hopes of shortening the duration of any similarly persistent moment of weakness.
Neighbor out there staring at his sprinkler
again Great Falls, Mont. – Resident Barry Gordon confirmed several times Sunday that his next-door neighbor, 72-year-old retired machinist Tomas Fontaine, was out there staring at his sprinkler all day again. Gordon said Fontaine emerged from his home at approximately 6:30 a.m. to turn on the faucet feeding his front yard sprinkler and then proceeded to stare at the sprinkler for most of the day until finally coiling up the hose shortly before 6 p.m. “What do you suppose he’s thinking about out there all day? Does he not trust himself to just leave it running because he’s afraid he’ll forget to shut it off later? Seems like a screwy way to spend your day, but I guess he’s got the time.” Gordon noted that he personally sat on his porch and stared at his own sprinkler for no more than two hours over the course of the weekend.
seem more willing to take a chance on total drop-dead knockouts.” In fact, analysis of Labor Department
figures shows that the rate of unemployment
among the country’s
young stunners has not risen above the “Hey, if the skirt can even
manage to operate a pencil, we’ll find something
around here for her to do,” said Arthur Ceritteno.
zero percent mark since January of 1978. “If you look at the statistics, it’s clear
that sexy babes are historically the most employable members of the nation’s labor pool,” said Patterson as his secretary – an unbelievably hot piece of ass who couldn’t be a day over 21 – refilled his coffee mug. “And all indications are that this trend will likely continue for the foreseeable future.” A recent poll conducted by USA Today
reported that employers – even when presented with a field of more qualified
applicants – predominantly hire the youngest, best-looking female for the job, regardless of that sexy little number’s lack of education, work experience, intelligence, personality, literacy or competency. “Hey, if the skirt can even manage to
operate a pencil, we’ll find something around here for her to do,” said Arthur Ceritteno, who owns a mid-sized furniture retailer in the southern U.S. “I always say we’re an equal opportunity employer: we’ll hire blondes, brunettes, Latinos, Russian girls, whatever. Hell, if the broad – excuse me, applicant – has the assets we need around here, I’ll fire somebody to make room for her if I have to. Ten everybody’s happy.” President Obama, refuting claims that
the country’s modest economic recovery is failing to translate into new jobs, cited the December report as confirmation that the nation’s unemployment situation is improving. “I don’t understand how anybody can
say they can’t find a job in this market, given all of the improvement we’ve seen,” Obama said. “I guarantee you that I
Finding employment “has never been an issue” for Kathy Riley Jones (above).
could send my daughters out right now today into this job market and they’d have absolutely no trouble landing a job.”
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