RECOILMAG.COM


NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil


God damns Detroit Lions per fans’ requests


Local retailer frames first dollar hidden from IRS


Detroit, Mich. – In response to statewide public outcry following the Lions’ Sept. 19 three-point home Philadelphia


loss versus Eagles, God the bestowed


Kettle prefers to be called ‘African American’


eternal damnation upon all active players and coaches of the losing National Football Team team that has only earned a single playoff birth since 1999. “Te decades-long, unified plea of our flock has been granted by our Lord,” said senior Heaven spokesangel St. Peters. “God has reflected on the weekly, deafening cries and officially damned every member of the Lions organization; from defensive line members to quarterbacks to team coaches and executives, each member of the Lions has had their soul eternally doomed to rot in hell, just like we’ve all asked.” Asked to comment on the blessed act, Lions head coach Jim Schwartz said he and his staff were more concerned about notching the season’s first victory than worrying about whether or not [team members] would be eligible for the Great End Zone in the Sky when their numbers get eternally retired.


Party host Trent Obeler frantically pumped the tap and breathed into the spout in a heroic attempt to revive the dead keg (above).


Keg found dead in bathtub Tragedy grips local partygoers


Livingston, Ariz. – Partygoers were shocked when


and horrified 20-year-old party Friday night host Trent


Obeler found his quarter-barrel keg of Budweiser beer dead in the upstairs bathtub of his parents’ Livingston home at approximately 11 p.m., sources report. “I went into the


bathroom to fill another pitcher for the guys playing pool downstairs and [the keg] was just, well, dead,” said Obeler, who was throwing the party for more than 50 friends while his parents visited relatives in Utah. “I pumped the tap a few times and tried breathing into the spout, you know, trying to revive it, but it was no use. [Te keg] was dead. I was in total


shock. It was very unexpected.” Obeler said that aſter discovering the


dead keg – which had been rented by an


undisclosed source for $60 from a


Obeler: “I wish I’d spent more time with her, paid more attention to her,


Crescent Avenue party store earlier that same day – he experienced a brief period of denial before accepting what had happened. “At first


I was like,


gotten to experience more from her, you know?”


‘Jesus, [the keg] can’t be dead already,’” Obeler said,


recalling his


emotional response to the dreaded discovery. “I guess I thought it


would just keep on going forever. Aſter it was gone, I started wishing I had spent more time with it, paid more attention to it, gotten more out of her existence, you see KEG page 8


Unemployment rate among hot young women holding at zero percent


Washington, D.C. – Economic analysts were abuzz Monday following the release of December’s Labor Department figures, which showed the unemployment rate for hot young women in the U.S. holding steady at zero percent for the 302nd month in a row. “What these figures say is that if you’re


looking for work in America right now, you’ll have no problem finding it – as


“We’re an equal opportunity employer: we’ll hire blondes, brunettes, Latinos, Russian girls, whatever,” said Ceritteno.


long as you’re a totally smokin’ hot young chick, that is,” senior U.S. economist Cary Leahey said in a television interview Sunday. “From small businesses to major corporations, companies


across Above: Just a few of the single young hotties that recently had no trouble finding work in today’s otherwise dismal job market.


the board are hiring cute young hotties see HOT WOMEN page 6


page 5


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