SELF-HELP Soul Mate Selector
Could the person you’re currently banging actually be your spiritual split-apart? Destiny’s ability to correctly pair each human soul with its cosmically assigned counterpart is by no means foolproof; very few couples are immune to the occasional contemplation: “Is this the person I’m supposed to be with?” Take the following quiz to determine if cupid was working off the right spreadsheets when appointing your current mate. Assign yourself three points for every answer of A, two points for every B, one point for ever C and zero points for every D.
1. Te way you and your lover met seems fateful because: A. Your parents met in the very same adult bookstore. B. You hardly ever visit refulxophile chatrooms. C. Gays had only recently been allowed into the military. D. It’s not like you can choose your cellmate.
2. In your relationship, the male’s most fevered arguments pertain to: A. Te declining frequency of sexual penetration. B. Te unanswerable hypothetical questions that follow sexual penetration. C. Her reluctance to view movies graphically depicting sexual penetration. D. Her reluctance to budge on preference of orifice to receive sexual penetration.
3. In your relationship, the female’s most fevered arguments pertain to: A. Te long work hours caused by your professional commitment. B. Immediately replacing perfectly functioning drapes, silverware and furniture. C. Your Mullet & Mustache White Trash Starter Kit. D. Everything imaginable.
4. Coincidentally, you and your lover have the same: A. Fashion sense. B. Tattoo locations. C. Parole officer. D. Father.
5. You and your partner have pledged yourselves to each other, despite: A. Religious differences. B. Being descendants of warring mob families. C. International protests. D. He or she only existing as one of your multiple personalities.
6. You would trust your mate to: A. Be faithful. B. Pull out. C. Never wager the family car without holding at least a full house. D. Let you keep half of everything.
If you scored… 18-15: Twarting all mathematical improbabilities, you have indeed been united with your soul mate. Either that or your partner was standing over you as you took this quiz. Retake the quiz in the privacy of your bathroom, to ensure accuracy.
14-10: Who would’ve figured 400 hours of searching Internet personal ads would pair you with someone this close to a perfect match? You could stumble through to death do you part with this mate, but at least consider starting to get familiar with craigslist.
9-5: Your score raises serious questions about your mate’s physical and emotional compatibility. Explain your quiz results to your mate and suggest you both do some soul-searching – at night, on the weekends, separately.
4-0: If you’re not already shopping around for a new lover, chances are you both will be eventually. Why not beat your partner to the punch?
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Above: Just one of the growing number of grown men of sound mind from around the world who willingly engage in the bizarre spectacle.
Man clad in white strikes yellow sphere with racquet of strings
London, England – Men wearing all white clothing aggressively struck fuzzy, yellow balls with some sort of stringed racquets yesterday during a sport many have taken to calling “tennis.” Tennis, a venture
many natives of the island of England seem to term “wembeldon,” is a strange spectacle to most and apparently
part Each player seems to wish to hit
man or woman stationed in the loſty seat clearly commands respect and may be a person of importance in the participants’ family, given that “love” is oſten mentioned within a string of otherwise unknown argot. A secondary
of a rare leisure interest of a small group of enthusiasts. Te game seems to center around two competitors in white clothing hitting the aforementioned yellow ball over a short net, situated halfway between them, back onto the other competitor’s territory. Each player seems to wish to hit the ball into an area which makes his opponent’s return impossible, an uncooperative strategy which inevitably leads to many pauses in the proceedings. Oſten fast-paced, the game requires
the ball into an area which makes his opponent’s return impossible, an uncooperative strategy which inevitably leads to many pauses in the proceedings.
a borrowed term not
activity to the central endeavor seems to be a spaced line of participants staged along the back walls on either end of the “court,” to be confused
with the legal use. Tese participants, it seems, are competing amongst each other in a contest to determine who can remain still for the longest sum of time, and occasionally one is likely eliminated when shiſting slightly to avoid one of the small yellow spheres bounding in his or her direction. A contestant frequently repositions
its partakers to expend copious sums of vigor while pursuing the yellow target. White, an ostensibly inapt color given that the playing surface is composed of grass, is worn possibly to keep players cool in temperatures that reached scorching levels of 77 degrees – unprecedented heat on the secluded island located off the coast of France. All the while, a figure poised in a
heightened chair speaks a clandestine language into a microphone – an activity that frequently delights or disappoints onlookers seated around the event. Te
himself to the opposite end of the court while his adversary does the same, a ritual that may derive from the Middle Ages martial game of jousting, which required knights to originate at alternating ends of a track. Many in the American sporting world
wonder how such a game is unknown to the United States, where sports of all variety are commonplace. “It’s marvelous
to see these
unadulterated sports discovered in primitive cavitations,” said Washington Post sportswriter Tony Kornheiser. “I doubt this game is interesting enough for anyone in America to pursue, though.”
recoilmag.com
SPORTS
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