STALKER from page 85


recent work garnered the attention of local news media – that he was struck by the urge to move out west and pursue his stalking full-time. “When the Colfax Weekly Review


printed my picture in the paper aſter my last arrest, it gave me the boost of confidence I needed to try to take my act to the next level,” Piles said Monday from Clinton County Jail, where he is currently serving the last week of a 60-day jail sentence for misdemeanor trespassing.


“I’ve managed to do some decent small-time


stalking here and in nearby Indianapolis, but it’s time for me to take the next step,” said Piles.


“Te way I look at it, if I don’t take my shot now while I’m young I could spend the rest of my life watching the news and wondering if it could have been me getting picked up by police for breaking into Renee Zellweger’s private yacht.” Piles, a 2000 graduate of Colfax High


School, admitted that his parents are less than thrilled with his decision, having for years pressed their son to abandon his stalking ambitions and settle into a more conventional lifestyle. “Mom and Dad have always wanted


me to go to community college and get a square job and stuff, but ever since I was ten years old all I’ve ever wanted to do is follow people around, invade their privacy and just generally creep them out,” said Piles. “I’ve tried to explain to them that different people want different things out of life. For guys like my dad, that means working a solid job and raising a family; for me it means renting a one-room shithouse in North Hollywood, getting Jennifer Garner’s home address and going through her garbage every night. Different strokes, right?” Despite having amassed a good amount


of stalking experience in his rural hometown, Piles has no illusions about


the difficult road he will have to travel if he hopes to one day see his name on restraining orders filed by Hollywood’s biggest stars. “I’ll bet there are stalkers that have been


out in Hollywood for ten years and still haven’t even been able to find out where George Clooney gets his hair cut,” said Piles, acknowledging the increased focus celebrities put on maintaining their privacy. “All I know is that I’ve got a lot of ambition and I’m ready to work hard. If it turns out that I end up having to stalk some B-list celebrities for my first few years in order to pay my dues, then by God that’s what I’ll do. Oddly enough, I’ve always had this weird obsession with [comedian] Kathy Griffin anyway. Hell, she’s probably begging for a tail or two.” Friend Ed May said he is uncertain


if Piles has what it takes to make it as a successful stalker in a city rife with competition. “Derek’s got more restraining orders


on him than anyone else in Colfax,” said May, questioning whether or not Piles will be able to not get noticed as a stalker in Hollywood. “I remember he used to spend a lot of time shadowing our mail carrier Gina a couple of months ago until her boyfriend threatened to kick his ass if he didn’t stop. He also used to drive up to Indianapolis to follow that [television news anchor] Mia Robbins around last summer but he quit because he couldn’t afford all of the gas money it was costing him. So no, I don’t know if Derek has the skills it’ll take to outfox Tara Reid’s security system or whatnot. I wish him the best, though.” Planning to pack his belongings into


his 1990 Chevy pickup and set out for California upon his release from jail, Piles remains cautiously optimistic about his future in stalking. “I’m excited and nervous, but feeling


very alive,” said Piles. “I think I’ll do alright once I get out there. I actually think the hardest part will be the drive out there. It’s almost three thousand miles and I’ll be all by myself. It sure would be nice if I could follow somebody.”


HOROSCOPES


Leo (July 23 to August 22) When signing a contract, realize that time is money – you’ll soon find reading an entire legal document, especially the fine print, an irrelevant waste. Logistically, if whatever’s in fine print was of any importance at all, they certainly would have printed it a whole lot bigger. Get in the habit of making no two of your signatures look anywhere near alike, and your legal problems will be negligible.


Virgo (August 23 to September 22) Female Virgo will never be able


to


communicate with her man until viewing his entire movie collection at least twice. Realize that about 90 percent of male conversation involves quoting lines from Caddyshack, Fletch and Apocalypse Now. Spend the week wearing out your DVD player – it’ll be worth it to see the look of astonishment/arousal on his face when you shout, “Charlie don’t surf!” whenever you hear the word “napalm.”


Libra (September 23 to October 22) Redneck Libra’s oil-burning truck needs to be traded in before the government fines you as the sole cause of the Ozone problem. Sure, you’re attached to that smell of Winstons and Olde Crow that’s permanently lining the cabin of your Neapolitan-colored Bondo-bucket, but consider your new truck a fresh tree on which to leave your filthy, stinking, hillbilly scent.


Scorpio (October 23 to November 21) You’d be better off buying a new car than taking your current one to a mechanic, even for something as simple as an oil change; it’s hard enough to get mechanics to actually do a job, let alone do it right. Tat’s because professional gearheads draw the same hourly wage whether they’re tearing their hands apart on your bearing assembly or scratching their ass with an oil dipstick, and unfortunately, most of them are even money to botch either job.


Sagittarius(November22toDecember21) Lazy Sagittarius, bear in mind that plastic utensils have absolutely no place at catered affairs; don’t even think about using them for that feast you’re planning. Forcing adults to use plasticwear is insulting; even the cavemen had plastic spork technology, but instead opted to manipulate their food using rocks, rather than suffer the embarrassment of using those ridiculous plastic utensils.


Capricorn (December 22 to January 19) Capricorn should steer clear of drinking and driving – not for legal purposes, but because, quite frankly, you’re not very good at either; your typical driving manner rivals a teenager playing NASCAR 2004 while jacked up on Mini Tins. Add that to the little known fact that alcohol impairs judgment (I know, can you believe it?), and drinking and driving sounds like way too fun of an activity to not be sober enough to enjoy.


Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) Sure it’s discomforting that scientists have discovered a black hole in the center of our galaxy that’s spiraling the Earth toward doom like a flushed goldfish, but you’ve got to admit, we had


Above: Piles stalks a Shell station cashier in his rural hometown of Colfax, Ind. page 87


been warned. Yep, those weirdos toting “Te End is Near” signs were right all along; I suggest Aquarius strap on a sign, buddy up to those jabbering whackos and to find out what other information to which they alone are privy.


Pisces (February 19 to March 20) People who still regard shaking hands as the ultimate binding contract between one another have an inordinate amount of blind faith in humanity’s common decency. Remember, more oſten than not the person you’re clutching hands with is doing little more than positioning your hand for a closer look at the rings they intend to pry from your cold, dead fingers once they’ve finally finished you.


Aries (March 21 to April 19) It is truly a unique blend of poor luck and humorous Karma plaguing you recently; only Aries could be a radio station’s “lucky” caller 10, yet receive a “free kick in the groin with purchase of same” as a prize. Don’t worry; for once, the law is actually on your side – Te Law of Averages, that is, which promises your bad luck will turn around, or at least peter out to a reasonable frequency, by 2020.


Taurus (April 20 to May 20) In the game of Life, it isn’t exactly necessary to win, but you do want to protect


from losing completely. Vince


Lombardi’s football strategy is very applicable in attacking Life: hang tough, avoid mistakes and take no chances. Sure, playing it safe may make for a life that’s as boring as the Lions’ running game, but at least you’ll have a safe seat from which to watch it pass by.


Gemini (May 21 to June 20 ) Te absorption capability of your brain isn’t really comparable to a sponge so much as to a paper towel – it’s good for soaking up small puddles of information, but you quickly become saturated when absorbing large quantities. And unlike a sponge, which can be rung out, your brain is basically useless aſter soaking up its initial info – which somewhat explains your senseless mantra, “I’m not close minded, I’m just right.”


Cancer (June 21 to July 22) People’s jealousy oſten overpowers their moral and ethical values, prompting a desire to destroy that of which they are jealous. And with your snooty social standing being such an easy target, it won’t be long before you wake up in a $17-a-night motel room, drugged, moist and obviously tricked, staring balefully as the nightly news shows unflattering pictures of you with your weekly “escort,” who apparently moonlights as a photographer.


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