RECOILMAG.COM
NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil
CD reviewer channels entire year of pretentiousness into “Best of 2010” wrap-up
Above: Jack and Kathy Hudson spend an aſternoon giving their flower and vegetable gardens everything they need to mature into healthy, fruitful plants while their unsupervised children play rated M video games indoors.
Parents nurture garden more than children
Above: Ultra-snooty CD reviewer Dwayne E. Augustine.
Detroit, Mich. – Dwayne E. Augustine, a CD reviewer for the Metro Times weekly entertainment magazine, has begun arranging his selections for his “10 Best CDs of Te Year,” an article Augustine writes annually as a vehicle
for showcasing his absolute perfect knowledge and taste in music by listing 10 titles familiar only to music enthusiasts of equal pretentiousness.
“Popularity does nothing but corrupt the emotional impact of the music and the integrity of the artist,” said Augustine.
MLB celebrates first snot rocket launched into outer base
quikSTAT World’s least-attended festivals
• Midwestern Agoraphobia Campout • Lower Oakland Head Lice Swap Meet • Texas State Jihad Jamboree • Great Britain Dead Tooth Pull-Off • Haitian Hoaxfest ‘05 • Fort Worth Salad Toss Showdown • Marlboro Country 5K Marathon • United Steelworkers of America Poetry Jam
• All festivals that contain the words “Insane,” “Clown” and “Posse” in any order, singularly or together • Compton Father-Son Picnic
Above: Crazed children begin to overrun every aisle of a local Wal-Mart.
“Any release that gleans any mainstream media attention whatsoever is automatically disqualified – that’s rule number one when I pick my top ten discs of the year,” said Augustine, attempting to qualify the 28-year-old music critic’s reasons for routinely selecting releases by bands that less than five percent of the population has ever even heard of. “Te moment a band becomes
even
moderately popular, I’m sorry, but I won’t have anything to do with them.
see REVIEWER page 95
Madison, Wis. – Suburban homeowners Jack and Kathy Hudson put more time, care and money into the nurturing of their backyard flower and vegetable gardens than that of their two children, a neighbor of the Hudsons reported Sunday. “Tose two may call themselves parents,
but from what I’ve seen they seem more devoted to raising healthy, mature tomato plants than healthy, mature offspring,” said Bob Shore, who lives nextdoor to the Hudsons. “Tey labor away for hours on that little plot like it’s the entire family’s only source of food. Meanwhile their kids sit alone inside
Playstation
playing or
watching TV instead of getting help with their homework. It pains me to see that kind of neglect, but what can you do, you know? It’s not really my place to say anything.” A neighbor of three years, Shore
estimated that during the spring and summer months Jack and Kathy Hudson each log at least 25 hours per
week watering, weeding and otherwise nurturing their 12’ x 15’ vegetable garden and three small flower gardens. Comparatively, Shore claimed that the couple – who both work fulltime jobs – appear to spend less than an hour a day interacting with their 12-year-old son, Kyle, and 10-year-old daughter, Anna. “Jack and Kathy are usually out working
Te couple rarely if ever
makes an effort to cultivate their children’s talents or expose them to religion, art, culture and other nurturing influences.
their little mini-farms from the minute they get home from work until darkness finally forces them inside, when I’m sure they have to immediately start getting the kids ready for bed,” said Shore. “Tat’s not much time to foster your child’s interests or work to instill them with solid morals.
Heck, that’s barely enough time to burn them a Pop Tart for dinner and chase them off to bed.” Shore said that although the Hudsons
willfully devote the bulk of their nights and weekends to cultivating their gardens, the couple rarely if ever makes an effort to cultivate their children’s see GARDEN page 95
Wal-Mart visit a perfect argument for birth control
Huntsville, Ala. – Aſter enduring 90 minutes encircled by a plethora of crying babies, screaming toddlers, out-of-control children and frustrated parents at an area Wal-Mart Saturday, patrons Kevin Tyler and longtime girlfriend Julie Slansky unanimously agreed to vigilantly instrument birth control methods in order to prevent pregnancy. “All those children running through the aisles, hiding in clothes racks, pestering their parents to buy them every goddamn item they see, the crying and yelling – even just thinking about it is giving me a headache,” Tyler said, recalling the experience the following morning. “I think all those insane children creating havoc actually bothered Julie more than me, because she loves to shop for hours and hours – but, I swear, she was practically running that cart to the checkout so we could get the hell out of see WAL-MART page 96
page 93
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