BEACHHEAD from page 99


the Holthups’ cat, which lay asleep on a nearby armchair. Holthup dispatched two Humvee convoys to construct blockades at


the


living room’s two main exits in order to prevent ground escape of Cobra forces. A lone GI Joe Frogman diver with harpoon gun was also deployed to the 15-gallon fish tank that stands adjacent to the entertainment center in the unlikely event of an attempted water escape. Once atop the enemy base, the Special


Ops ninjas slit the throat of a Cobraviper guard before rappelling down onto the television just as friendly air strikes took out a machine gun nest located next to the DVD player. At the same time, snipers fired fatal head shots at will from the coffee table as ground vehicles encroached on the entertainment center’s perimeter and began launching a seemingly endless string of missiles until all of the approximately 15 Cobra soldiers were dead. Annexation of the Holthup


entertainment center knocks a huge hole in Cobra’s military stranglehold on the downstairs rooms of the house and firmly establishes GI Joe’s presence in the highly NURSES from page 97


health professionals as they heartlessly inflicted pain on various regions of patients’ epidermises. Tough young victims made their


feelings known through shouts of “ouch,” winces and an abundance of tears, the maniacal nurses, who seemed reluctant to show any remorse, issued a statement asserting that the horrific needle- inflicted pain “wasn’t so bad, was it?” “Tis is just another scare tactic,” said a


GHOST from page 97


redecorated to suit his personal taste and moved into the house on Oct. 15. “Gale’s soul has been in a state of unrest


ever since she crossed over to the other side,” said Valerie Fitoussi, a neighbor and professional medium who claimed to have been able to communicate with Roberts’ spirit ever since her death. “It is not uncommon for a person’s spirit to ‘haunt’ the home to which their mortal body was so attached. It is believed that spirits oſten show themselves or somehow make their presence felt in order to try to scare new residents and persuade them to leave so the spirit can have the house all to itself. However, in this case it seems that Gale’s spirit is actually more scared of the person living in her house than he is of the ghost.” Added Fitoussi: “And let me tell you,


aſter living near the guy for the last few months, I can totally understand why.” According to Fitoussi, although


Roberts will occasionally perform minor supernatural acts in attempts to unnerve Quinn – acts such as flicking the porch


page 100


light on and off, turning on the kitchen sink faucet or oven, or stomping the upstairs floor when it is otherwise unoccupied – the 34-year-old seems completely unalarmed by the specter’s continuous presence. In describing some of the abnormal


behavior exhibited by Quinn, neighbor Bernard Ross offered some insight as to why even the supernatural incantation of Roberts could feel frightened sharing living space with Quinn. “Sometimes at night I can see [Quinn]


through the window, sitting in his chair in almost complete darkness, staring off into space, mumbling something to himself while he rubs a huge hunting knife against a sharpening stone over and over until dawn,” said Ross. “Now I’m no psychiatrist, but to me that’s a sign that something just ain’t right with the guy’s wiring, if you know what I mean. It makes me feel sorry for the ghost of Gale, that she has to


haunt the same house that [Quinn] lives in. Only God knows what crazy shit he does in there all day. I’d be scared to live in the same house with the guy, too.” Other neighbors confirmed that on


more than one occasion local police have come to Quinn’s house in response to a neighbor’s


call about loud screaming


in the middle of the night, only to find Quinn locked in his bathroom and calling out military commands to imaginary recruits at the top of his lungs. Neighbors agreed that, considering the disturbing behavior exhibited by Quinn


yard or his tendency to don camouflage fatigues and deploy smoke grenades for cover when venturing across the street to retrieve his mail – they would be more afraid to live with the dishonorably discharged veteran than with the supernatural apparition of the spirit of the pleasant, well-mannered neighbor they had in Roberts. “I can sense that Gale’s spirit is growing


“It makes me feel sorry for the ghost of Gale, that


she has to haunt the same house that [Quinn] lives in. Only God knows what crazy shit he does in


– such as his Saturday aſternoon ritual of cleaning his sniper rifle collection while sitting atop his roof, his placing armed bear traps at various locations in his front


there all day. I’d be scared to live in the same house with the guy, too,” said Fitoussi.


more and more frustrated – and scared,” said Fitoussi. “During a recent séance she said she fears that she’ll never be able to generate anything nearly as scary as whatever is already going on in Neil’s mind, so the odds of him moving out and her maybe getting the house all to herself, or even sharing it with a nice, quiet family, are slim. And Gale says she’s afraid to go to sleep, fearing


that Neil will kill himself just so that his ghost can come and kill her ghost. Who knew ghosts could be so paranoid?”


volatile but strategically critical “family area” of the three-bedroom dwelling. “Controlling the living room is a


significant step toward occupation and control of the entire house,” said Holthup. “Using the entertainment center as our beachhead, we will now be able to set up and protect a supply line that will stretch from my bedroom all the way into the living room. We’ll also be much closer to the front line when we assemble and ready troops for our siege on the kitchen later this aſternoon.” “And now that we control the


“Controlling the living room is a significant step toward occupation


and control of the entire house,” said Holthup.


entertainment center, we can watch whatever we want on TV or even play the stereo,” added Holthup. “Under Cobra’s evil rule the TV was always set on CNN. Getting that channel changed may very well have shiſted the


entire momentum of the war to our side.” Holthup said that his troops are unlikely


to see combat again until just before bedtime, when a small group of Special Ops soldiers will stage a nighttime raid on the Cobra-controlled downstairs bathtub – a strike expected to be almost entirely amphibious.


wounded eight-year-old Tyler Crowder, who is never going to the doctor’s office again. “I think parents may be working with the stupid nurses to propagate this fabrication.” Meanwhile, nurses, who seem to have a


particular hatred of children’s shoulders, deny any such alliance and maintain their long-held stance that shots only sting for a moment at the most. “Te atrocities of shots rank next to


STUDY from page 97 “For months we had been having


increased difficulty formulating study topics that hadn’t already been tackled by some team of researchers somewhere in the world,” said Nosworth, who himself has led numerous studies ranging from the mating habits of the three-toed sloth to how the use of aerosol hairspray affects the growth rate of human fingernails. “For a brief period last month we thought that perhaps nobody had yet studied a possible correlation between domestic violence and the amount of leſtover ham in a couple’s refrigerator, but, believe it or not, some UCLA students appear to have already explored that in 2004.” Added Nosworth: “We began to


wonder, if studies as uncommon as that have already been done, what could possibly be leſt? We couldn’t come up with anything. However, by studying the decreasing productivity of research teams around the world, we’ve been able to confirm that it isn’t only Columbia researchers who are drawing a blank – the scientific community as a whole has become unable to think of anything new to study.” In a lengthy article written for the


December issue of Science, Nosworth explains in great detail the results of the three-month study. Te exhaustingly thorough piece, entitled “No More Stones to Turn,” is expected to occupy


the torture inflicted by evil dentists,” Crowder said. “At the dentist, you can at least bite the doctor’s fingers, but many nurses are too craſty to expose themselves to retaliation.” In addition to suspicion of deceiving


children about the looming pain of skin- destroying needles, nurses have also been implicated in malicious lies regarding waiting times and the abundance of suckers.


almost the entirety of what is likely to be the peer-reviewed journal’s final issue. Te researchers’ techniques and


findings occupying the magazine’s first five pages, while the rest of the article focuses on reminiscing about previous studies, analyzing spreadsheets of information regarding the social lives of Columbia researchers and presenting assorted doodles the researchers drew on leſtover sheets of graph paper, for which they admitted to being unable to imagine having any future use. “I have a feeling grant money is going


to be awfully hard to come by in 2014,” Nosworth told reporters. “I guess it’s time to ask my brother about a job at his oil change shop. So long, science. Hello, dirty air filters.” However, not all academics are so ready


to throw in the towel on scientific inquiry. Dr. Tamara Allens of the University of California at Berkeley is currently seeking funds from the National Academy of Sciences for a new research project entitled “Te Decline of Available Research Topics and Correlating Rise of Home Breweries Among Scientific Researchers.” “Te grant application may not be the


strongest ever,” said Dr. Allens. “But given the lack of competition this year, I think we’ve got a good shot.”


“Te last time I was [at the doctor’s


office] the nurse told me if I was brave during the shot I would get a sucker when I leſt,” recalled Kayla Saffel, a seven-year- old dollhouse manager. “Ten they were out of suckers and so they gave me an eraser that fits on top of a pencil.” “And that medicine in the plastic spoon did not taste like cherry,” added Crowder. “How long will we continue to fall for their lies?”


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