WORLDWIDE HEADLINES Woman dresses, sets ringtone according to
mood Dallas, Texas – Nina Faye Young, a 28-year-old advertising salesperson at WITF radio, told reporters Tuesday morning that she begins every day by dressing and programming her cell phone’s ringtone in a way that directly reflects her mood on that day. “If I’m feeling all chipper and happening I’ll wear something playful and set my phone to play Outkast’s ‘Hey Ya’ or maybe
a Justin Timberlake song or
something,” said a leather-clad Young, who said her cell phone was currently set to play Steppenwolf ’s “Born To Be Wild” because she was feeling “free and adventurous.” Other popular choices for Young include R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts” for days marked by depression and Prince’s “Darling Nikki” for when she’s feeling sexy.
Horrified teen walks in on parents crunking
in bedroom Cleveland, Ohio – A horrifying image was forever burned into the brain of 15-year-old hip-hop fan Denise Kress Saturday night when the daughter of Don and Brenda Kress walked unannounced into her parents’ bedroom only to find her parents clumsily attempting to crunk dance to a Flo Rida song in what the couple had assumed was complete privacy. “Obviously, I’ve known for years what crunk dancing is – I’m 15 years
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was hoping that would just end it.” However, aſter only a short contemplative
pause marked by a slight increase in the car radio’s volume, Neumann continued voicing her thorough account of recent schoolroom vulgarity and its users. “Tori Lager told me she heard Noel
Gillens say, ‘s-h-i-t,’” Neumann offered in a firm yet charmingly naïve tone. Clearly concerned with the increasingly
blue content of her daughter’s incriminations, Neumann’s father further discouraged her to refrain from continuing the report. “At that point I told Lisa I’d heard
enough,” said Neumann’s father. “I told her, ‘Never mind what other kids say, you, girl, are not to even allowed to spell words like
that. Now that’s
enough.’” Determined to finish
sixth grade. Te first letter of the word is an ‘F.’” Neumann’s testimony broke weeks
of silence regarding the nature and frequency of her exposure to adult- oriented phrases. Neumann’s last documented report of “naughty language” occurred in April, when she informed cousin Kimmy Robb that she’d overheard Uncle Jim accidentally say “tit” at a family Tanksgiving gathering. While motivations behind Neumann’s
“Tori Lager told me she heard Noel Gillens
say, ‘s-h-i-t,’” Neumann offered in a firm yet charmingly naïve tone.
the list of indictments, Neumann chose to ignore her father’s authoritative statement and conclude the report by citing her last and perhaps most fantastic account of the vocalized obscenities. “On the playground I heard Teddy
Sorton say the swear word that rhymes with ‘truck,’” stated Neumann. “He’s in
decision to list the young ill-linguists remains unclear, the child’s parents suspect attending Sunday’s church service may have provoked the child’s willingly divulged deposition. “Pastor McNeil was
preaching heavily about the importance of
the
Ten Commandments,” said Neumann’s father.
“I think maybe she felt she needed to confess what she knew, to get it off her chest.” Neumann’s parents said they at this time
have no intentions of forwarding the list of swearers to school officials or the children’s respective parents.
old, you know – I just never imagined my parents doing it, let alone walking in on them and seeing them doing it,” said Denise Kress. “When I accidentally saw mom and dad crunking – with all of their disgusting thrusting and wet- noodling and such – it was,
like, so
gross, and now I can’t get the image out of my head.” Despite her parents’ attempt to explain that what she had seen was “simply a perfectly natural extension of their love [for modern music],” Denise quickly apologized to her parents for the intrusion, insisting she had “not really seen anything,” but was later heard promising to “go bleach her eyeballs,” by an anonymous sibling.
Court date expected to inhibit area hipster’s
hairdo Minneapolis, Minn. – Despite used CD store cashier Geoff Iginla’s personal oath to maintain his intentionally messy hairstyle in spite of any unforeseeable social pressures, a source close to Iginla said Monday he expects the 23-year-old’s Sept. 18 court date to radically transform Iginla’s hairstyle into something more straight-laced and conservative-looking. “Geoff’s managed to keep his purposely unkempt-looking through college graduation and job interviews, but court’s another situation altogether,” said friend Dwayne Knight. “Sure, it’s a first offense pinch for possession [of marijuana], but I suspect Geoff’s nervous enough about it to snip his do in order to look more like an upstanding citizen.” Knight also
suggested that Iginla’s day in court will likely also involve the breaking-out of his only suit.
Life-term inmate
treated for depression Jackson, Mich. – Jackson State Penitentiary inmate Stephen “Spike” Leger, who is
serving a mandatory life sentence
without the possibility of parole for the first degree killing of his wife in 1998, is being treated for clinical depression by the prison medical staff, sources reported Friday. “We currently have the patient on a powerful combination of Prozac® and Zoloſt®, coupled with daily one-hour talk-therapy sessions, in hopes of curbing the relentless feelings of worthlessness and pointlessness that the patient wrestles with daily,” prison psychiatrist Dr. Renee Zielinski said of the 33-year- old inmate. “One thing Spike needs to understand is that recovering from depression takes time, and as long as he’s willing to invest that time, he will soon realize that there is a very bright future awaiting him – except, of course, for the fact that he’s going to be incarcerated for the remainder of his days.”
Peter writes bad check
to Paul Hollywood, Calif. – Enacting revenge for what he regards as years of “thievery through association,” Peter wrote a check to Paul Wednesday knowing full well that the check will fail to clear at Paul’s bank because of insufficient funds, sources
Recoil’s
report. “I can’t even begin to count how many times over the years that Peter has been robbed in order to pay Paul,” Clint Van Allen, an attorney for Peter, told reporters. “It’s no wonder that my client – and only if he’s guilty, mind you – maybe felt the need to give Paul a little taste of what it feels like to get the short end of the stick in a financial transaction. Perhaps in the future, Paul will think twice about so cheerfully accepting money that he knows damn well he is receiving only at Peter’s expense.”
Vending machine endorses all-quarter
diet Ypsilanti, Mich. – According to the Dr. Pepper machine on the corner of Court St. and Marshall Ave., a strict all-quarter diet is far superior to taking in a random selection of
folding money, dimes and
nickels. “I’ve eaten every combination of change imaginable during my six years on the street, and I can tell you without a doubt that just eating a user’s quarters is the way to go if you want to operate at top efficiency,” the machine told reporters Tursday. “Nickels and dimes might fill you up faster, and everyone knows that one dollar bills are really hard for machines to swallow sometimes, but quarters are without a doubt my favorite denominations to eat. I’ve eaten a ton of quarters in my lifetime, and I’m still holding the same weight and figure I had when I first got started in this business – even if inflation has me eating more change than I ever have before.”
- I’ve been training my dog to do a lot of the menial tasks I hate doing. But don’t call my house to ask about details because he’s especially poor at answering the phone as of yet.
- Te original purpose of carbonated beverages was to fight indigestion. I generally don’t get indigestion, so I drink whiskey – and let me tell you, it’s kept me free of throat cancer for years.
- My wife and I did this thing once and when we were done we couldn’t even look each other in the eye. Simultaneously, we whispered, “Let’s never do that again.” Tose mountain bikes have been hanging on the garage wall ever since.
- Tere’s this scrawny coyote that lives in our suburb. All of the neighborhood moms think it’s a wolf. I’ve shown them, like, a million cardboard ACME boxes hidden around the woods, but they still insist it’s a wolf.
- Why is it that a person is referred to as “Justice of the Peace” the first time you see him, but the next time you see him he’s referred to as “Tat miserable cocksucker who’s going to give her half my shit!?!”
- Rule of thumb: If you can pronounce “elocutionist,” you don’t need one.
- One basic medical tip I’ve picked up over the years is that it isn’t all that unusual to discover blood in your urine if you’re being repeatedly stabbed while on the toilet.
- Tere’s nothing more satisfying to a man than buying a great lawn tractor. Except, of course, for the satisfaction of stealing one. But I guess that goes without saying.
page 59
Shallow
Thoughts
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