HOROSCOPES


Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) Aquarius’ refusal to pull over for ambulance sirens is racking up negative karma equivalent to the combined cosmic demerits awarded for adultery, stealing from the blind, and teaching your kids to smoke. Sure, selfish driving will get you where you’re going a couple of seconds sooner, but you’ll pay for it in the aſterlife. I understand the stoplights in Hell stay red for 15 billion years at a time.


Capricorn (December 22 to January 19) Te menace of Capricorn’s short temper is compounded by the convenience of today’s 24-hour superstores, which stock every caliber of ammunition needed for carrying out most liquor-fueled, impromptu acts of violence. No longer does anger have to wait until morning – but frugal Capricorn should at least take the time to check for coupons.


Pisces (February 19 to March 20) Give God credit for mustering enough ambition to launch His legendary Creator/Supreme Architect monopoly, a venture documented as being six long days of tedious, non-union labor. Tat’s a good example of how much can be accomplished without cable television numbing the creative ambition. Step away from the TV at least long enough to tell time by the position of the sun, rather than by the urgency in Regis’ voice.


Aries (March 21to April 19) Why in hell do you even own a television if you’re not going to spend every free moment watching it? Ignoring the brain-numbing discharge of the tube will invariably spark Aries’ ambition and creativity – worthless traits that invariably lead to no good. Television has a designed purpose: to congest the industrious mind, so you won’t invent yet another way of destroying the planet, or at least some of the people on it.


Taurus (April 20 to May 20) Tirsty, trendy Taurus doesn’t seem to notice that bottled water companies have brainwashed the public into paying big dollars for a substance that flows readily from a household tap. If you’re genuinely convinced you must pay more than the cost of a beer to properly hydrate your body, then you, Taurus, are indeed mentally congruent to ‘Evian’ spelled backwards.


Gemini (May 21 to June 20) Tat classic break-up condolence, “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” has provided its fair share of comfort during Gemini’s woeful times. But considering how bad your last relationship was, perhaps more applicable is the truthful axiom, “Better to have loved and lost than to have to live with a complete goddamned psycho for the rest of your life.”


Cancer (June 21 to July 22) Cancer’s self-centered phone diplomacy explains why your telephone rings less than the Voluntary Audit line at the IRS. Hold and Call Waiting are rude, conversation-killing options used by the kind of selfish people who also don’t think twice about using someone else’s


last squeeze of toothpaste on Monday morning. Call Ma Bell and cancel your caller-alienating options at once – they’ll put you on hold long enough for you to taste your own medicine.


Leo (July 23 to August 22) Leo’s job search is indeed a difficult endeavor; with your lack of qualifications and job experience, you’ll be lucky to land a seasonal gig chalking lines on football fields or mopping up peep-show stalls. Your best angle is the “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know” theory – more specifically, it’s who you know that doesn’t know you well enough to think better of hiring you.


Virgo (August 23 to September 22) Tinking for yourself


is an idea that


needs to be force-fed into Virgo’s malnourished frontal lobes; your willingness to thoughtlessly repeat learned behavior rivals those brain-dead rock pitchers from Te Lottery. Don’t let society, tradition or television dictate your behavior – do what makes sense to you – but remember that rocking the boat may make everyone else want to throw you overboard.


Libra (September 23 to October 22) Libra’s love of animals contradicts mankind’s self-preservation instincts. Remember, no matter how cute chimpanzees may be, any species intellectually capable of sign language, space travel and playing ice hockey is getting way too close to mounting a global takeover. Do whatever you can to hinder the simians’ advancements, for it is only a matter of time before apes team with computers to stick us humans in the cages. Won’t that be a hoot.


Scorpio (October 23 to November 21) Te way to a father’s heart is not through his stomach, it’s through leaving him the hell alone while he watches television. Sooner or later, you’re bound to have a power outage; when devoid of electronic amusement and faced with family conversation, Scorpio’s father naturally resorts to booze, which will loosen his tongue long enough for him to confess his true feelings: “Child, I love you very much – for not bothering me while I watch TV.”


Sagittarius(November22toDecember21) Sagittarius’ blind support of the American military is indicative of someone who’s never fired a gun, let alone fired it at complete strangers you’ve been told to hate. Reconsider your “Die with your boots on” wartime attitude – that’s a bloodthirsty phrase most likely penned by some warmonger politician who never had to spoon his own soup, let alone dig one of those shallow graves otherwise known as foxholes.


MUSIC


Above: Members of the probably defunk local band Voice of Translator.


Local band members assume breakup aſter fourth week without rehearsal


South Bend, Ind. – All four members of Voice of Translator, a local indie rock band recently formed by area musicians, are beginning to suspect that their musical union no longer exists aſter the passing of a fourth week during which no band rehearsal was suggested, attempted or scheduled by any member. “For our whole first two months we


used to practice at least every Saturday aſternoon, no matter what, and usually a whole lot more,” said Nick Portman, singer and guitarist for the fledgling rock outfit he co-founded with longtime friend drummer Gary Abbey in January. “I mean, I know [bassist] Jeff [Alexander] had his college midterms somewhere in there and [keyboardist] Joe [Kinney] has been hanging out with his girlfriend a lot and all, but I highly doubt that everyone’s been so busy during the last month that we couldn’t get together even once. I think maybe we might


just be done [as a


band].” Portman said that despite seeing each of


his bandmates several times during the past month at unrelated social events, none of the band members, including himself, have even mentioned the band, let alone attempt to schedule a rehearsal. “It’s been really awkward running into


one of the guys and neither of us daring to ask the other if he knows why we haven’t practiced in weeks,” said Portman. “We haven’t officially broken up as far as I


know, but at this point I’m beginning to suspect that we’re pretty much over and done with. And if another month goes by and nobody’s called anybody about getting together or booking a show, then we can pretty much forget about it.” According to bassist Jeff Alexander,


previous to Voice of Translator’s spontaneous hiatus, no member of the band had orally suggested, demanded or otherwise expressed a desire to put band rehearsals on indefinite hold. “Nobody ever came right out and said


“It’s been really awkward


running into one of the guys and neither of us daring to ask the other if he knows


why we haven’t practiced in weeks,” said Portman.


anything about breaking up or taking a break or anything – we all just kind of stopped getting together,” said Alexander. So although there’s no official word or anything,


if I had


to put money on it, I’d say we’re pretty much broken up.” Alexander said remembers


he


there being a growing decline in


enthusiasm among the band members shortly before they played what is beginning to look like was the band’s farewell performance. “People were missing practices and


skipping out on doing flyers and stuff for a couple of weeks before our show at Te Never Club last month,” said Alexander. Ten,


aſter the show, I remember


thinking that it was a bad sign that everybody was taking their equipment home with them instead of running it back to the rehearsal space. For me that’s always been a clear sign that an assumed breakup is taking place.”


recoilmag.com page 75


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40  |  Page 41  |  Page 42  |  Page 43  |  Page 44  |  Page 45  |  Page 46  |  Page 47  |  Page 48  |  Page 49  |  Page 50  |  Page 51  |  Page 52  |  Page 53  |  Page 54  |  Page 55  |  Page 56  |  Page 57  |  Page 58  |  Page 59  |  Page 60  |  Page 61  |  Page 62  |  Page 63  |  Page 64  |  Page 65  |  Page 66  |  Page 67  |  Page 68  |  Page 69  |  Page 70  |  Page 71  |  Page 72  |  Page 73  |  Page 74  |  Page 75  |  Page 76  |  Page 77  |  Page 78  |  Page 79  |  Page 80  |  Page 81  |  Page 82  |  Page 83  |  Page 84  |  Page 85  |  Page 86  |  Page 87  |  Page 88  |  Page 89  |  Page 90  |  Page 91  |  Page 92  |  Page 93  |  Page 94  |  Page 95  |  Page 96  |  Page 97  |  Page 98  |  Page 99  |  Page 100  |  Page 101  |  Page 102  |  Page 103  |  Page 104  |  Page 105  |  Page 106  |  Page 107  |  Page 108  |  Page 109