SCIENCE
NASA investigation board bursts into flames
Washington, D.C. – NASA officials have confirmed that the Columbia Accident Investigation Board (CAIB) suddenly burst into flames at 2:04 p.m. EST Friday as the five-member crew attempted reentry to an important meeting. “Members of the investigation board
had reported experiencing intermittent communications failures earlier in the meeting,” NASA spokesperson Guy Courtland told reporters following the tragedy. “At that point the decision was made to halt forward movement until communications were running adequately. Aſter lunch, the crew attempted to reenter the meeting and moments later were seen breaking up outside their NASA Headquarters conference room. It was a horrific sight.” While many questions remain as to the the explosion, NASA officials
cause of
said that poor ventilation in the CAIB’s meeting room combined with the
BAND from page 77
through God, all things are possible. And even though label reps haven’t exactly been banging down the door of our rehearsal studio yet, we’re expecting them any time now, as long as we keep spreading the message of God with our music.” According to Tallman, the band has
consistently gone out of its way to title and theme its songs in a way that advocates the worship of God, in hopes that God will reward their ministry by bestowing them with international fame and fortune in the rock world. “It really doesn’t say anything in the Bible about how long it
takes to get
your rewards on Earth,” added Tallman, whose voice has yet to show promise of developing into a force strong enough to front a major label band. “Still, we’re very anxious for our day to come. Jetting around the world to perform sold- out concerts and sing Hallelujah sure sounds a lot more glorified than working weekends and holidays at
the Amoco
station.” Tallman said that because of each band
members’ strong faith, the band has the luxury of not needing to fret about the fundamental tasks on which most high- reaching bands must focus so intensely to achieve success in the music industry. “Unlike non-Christian bands, we don’t
have to worry about rehearsing much, promoting our shows or building a local fan base because we know that the Lord will soon be plucking us from the pack and putting us on the cover of Rolling Stone as reward for our belief and devotion,” said Tallman. “As to why that hasn’t happened yet, all I can say is that it is not our place to question God’s intentions or decisions. And no, I don’t think it has anything to do with the fact
page 80
least one song.” Other members of the band guitarists
Mark Hood and Ken Ward, bassist Keith Tap and drummer “Wild” Stevie Barnes – share Tallman’s belief that regardless of the band members’ technical and artistic shortcomings, In His Name will soon achieve a recording contract because of their devotion to God. “Tere’s a reason why there are so many
Christian rock bands out there: because they know that their secret weapon – their faith – will bring them stardom,” said Barnes, who later struggled to identify a Christian act other than P.O.D. that’s actually experienced success in the music industry. “It doesn’t even matter that I can’t play double-bass for more than thirty seconds at a time or if Ken has yet to memorize the notes of the fretboard or even if Manny gets stage fright so bad that he vomits on stage at nearly every show – the Bible assures us that God will reward His followers. It’s all made very clear in Leviticus 25:18-19.” Although the band’s lackluster
songwriting, sub-par instrumentation and infantile stage show has garnered them only harsh press and booing audiences, Tallman and his bandmates have sworn to continue their form of musical praise for as long as it takes for God to reward them with a plush, front- loaded record contract. “We’ll keep playing benefit shows and
church picnics for as long as it takes for God to make good on His word and provide us with our untold riches,” said Tallman. “Unless, of course, we decide to change over to a devil-worship act in order to speed up the arrival of such worldly fortune. I believe we might actually be having a band vote on that at our next rehearsal.”
unseasonably hot and humid weather conditions may have caused the board to burst into flames. “We’ve recovered the room’s thermostat
control unit, which indicates that the temperature in the meeting room approached one hundred and four degrees right before the board broke up,” said Courtland. “Tis would indicate a failure in the ventilation system, as that temperature far exceeds the room’s normal operating parameters.” Officials noted that an unusually high
level of stress being placed on the CAIB at the time of meeting reentry may have contributed to the board’s eruption. “Aſter being delayed by communications
problems this morning, the board knew that they would need to push their agenda or they would risk having to come in over the weekend to finish up our reports,” said Courtland. “Te amendments were going to be due Monday morning,
Above: Te Columbia Accident Investigation Board Accident Investigation Board inspects the recovered remains of the board’s meeting room conference table.
and [CAIB Chairman] Admiral [Hal] Gehmen said there was no way in hell he was canceling his weekend [sailing trip], so he was really pushing hard for the team to complete the mission. With the board under so much stress, that there was an eruption almost isn’t that much of a surprise.” NASA officials were quick to dispatch
teams to search arm-to-arm across downtown Washington for remains of the CAIB, in hopes that recovered items may lead to more information about the
KILLING from page 77
detained the suspect – who was found lying on a couch watching television and eating Doritos right from the bag – aſter police surveillance confirmed the suspect’s suspicious lack of activity. Te suspect’s brother was cleared of any similar wrongdoing aſter the 34-year- old was able to present investigators with paycheck
stubs, a health club
membership card and pictures of his preteen daughters – evidence suggesting that he lacked the opportunity to kill time. “Our units had to wait outside the
residence for nearly four hours while investigators ascertained a warrant,” said Harris. “We really weren’t too worried about the suspect fleeing, however, because there was a Big Bang Teory marathon on TNT at the time.” According to Harris, investigators
collected a plethora of valuable evidence from
the including a
home, hacky
sack, an X-Box video game console, several completed crossword puzzles, a small set of bongo drums and a homemade smoking device fashioned from an empty two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew. Te smoking gun in the case, said
Monroe. “Aſter becoming comfortable with the thoughtless killing of time, the suspect may have actually started to believe that there wasn’t even anything wrong with just killing time instead of finding gainful employment, silly hobbies and pointless busy work to fully occupy his days and turn him into a compliant, faceless citizen. It’s enough to make a person sick.” City Prosecutor Jeffery VanZoeren
expressed confidence that he could get a conviction should police officially charge the suspect, whom detectives have described as unrepentant and “constantly hungry.” “Let me just remind everyone that the
“He has killed time
before, and unless we stop him, he will kill time again.”
special investigator Phillip Monroe, is the fact that the suspect’s brother’s house was outfitted with internet and cable TV. “A person exposed to such an
environment would likely find it very easy to start killing a lot of time,” said
time that has been killed is gone. It’s gone, and there’s nothing that anybody can say or do to bring that time back,” VanZoeren told members of the media. “Rest assured that if the suspect is guilty, I’ll see to it that he’s provided with plenty of time to kill: behind bars.” Kyle Evans, a 42-year-
old civil engineer and father of three who lives next door to the suspect’s brother, was
quick to cast judgment upon the suspect. “I’ve seen [the suspect’s] type before –
they have no respect for time because time has no meaning or value to them,” said Evans. “Trust me, this guy is as guilty as guilty gets. He has killed time before, and unless we stop him, he will kill time again.”
events that led up to the explosion. “Te truth is
rest assured, just as that we won’t know
for sure what caused the accident until all of the recovered evidence is thoroughly analyzed,” said Courtland. “But
the CAIB
exhaustively investigated the Columbia disaster, NASA will quickly appoint an investigative board to find out what caused the CAIB disaster. NASA has already tentatively named the team the Columbia Accident Investigation Board Accident Investigation Board.”
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