EDITORIAL from page 62


pulling this job without getting high first. What were we thinking? One thing’s for sure: you’ve got to use your head in this business or you’ll end up dead or behind bars. Good thing we’re two of the smartest sons of bitches alive, eh? My dumb-ass


brother says he won’t touch a speck of white before pulling a job because he wants to have a clear head for assessing situations and carefully weighing decisions while the jig is on. Me, I say fuck that shit. I’d rather rely on my instincts when it comes to that sort of thing. Speaking of which, let’s have


RHS from page 61 “Headbangers, the slang name for


RHS sufferers, are usually completely unaware that they even suffer from this illness,” said Dr. Graham. “Just as most people who suffered from Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) didn’t know they had a medical condition until aſter a remedy was developed – simply thinking they just had ‘the jimmylegs’ – RHS sufferers need to be medically diagnosed and put on a path to recovery.” Dr. Graham said that although no


medication has yet been developed to eliminate the symptoms of RHS, simple b e h a v io ra l changes can ease the sufferer’s symptoms. “Patients seeking


relief from RHS need to do is stop listening to loud, aggressive heavy metal and start listening to soſter, less intense styles of music,” said Dr. Graham. “Instead of rocking out to Pantera or Slayer, for example, patients should try listening at a reasonable


another dose of that Instinct Honing


Powder. Tank you, kind sir. Jesus, that shit is good! Okay, that’s the last of it. Good thing, too,


Okay, that’s the last of it. Good thing, too, because I feel like one more line might put me completely sideways.


because I feel like one more line might put me completely sideways. God, I am so tweaked right now. Man, do I feel sorry for any poor sucker that tries to fuck


with me tonight, because he’s liable to get force-fed six helpings of lead salad. What do you mean, “get your keys?”


Dude, there’s no way in hell I could drive right now. Fuck it, let’s just rob a closer liquor store. Tis way we can walk.


volume to, say, George Michael or Neil Diamond or something. Barry White. Frank Sinatra. Hell, Yanni, even. Anything that doesn’t have a bunch of yelling and screaming.” Heavy metal musicians – a group of


people who the study acknowledges as being at an exceptionally increased risk of developing RHS – have largely rejected the idea that the music they create is responsible for listeners developing the symptoms of Restless Head Syndrome. “I’ve been headbanging to loud music since


I


Dr. Graham. “Instead of rocking out to Pantera or


Slayer, for example, patients should try listening at a


reasonable volume to, say, George Michael or Neil Diamond or something.


Barry White. Frank Sinatra.” was a


teenager, and I’m no worse for wear from it,” said Mick Tompson, guitarist for the heavy band


metal Slipknot.


Asked if the 2005 stroke incurred by Evanescence guitarist Balsamo


Terry as


a result of


onstage headbanging worried his at all, Tompson replied: “Who cares – I hate that band.”


HOROSCOPES


Capricorn (December 22 to January 19) Your romantic lethargy has put you on the fast track to becoming emotionally terminal. Your dried-up, withered heart needs a shot of love – or a shot of adrenaline straight through the ribcage. Take your cue from the blooming tulips and open yourself up to somebody’s sunshine. Either that, or OD on heroin, and you’re likely to get that needle of adrenalin. Either way, revival is certain.


Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) You are a Venus Flytrap amidst a field of wild daisies. Tis could be a problem seeing that you are a carnivorous plant and a daisy doesn’t have a lick of meat on it anywhere. Look at the bright side, though: they are wild daisies, so maybe you and those happy flowers can party hard until you starve to death. Tis IS a metaphor.


Pisces (February 19 to March 20) Debtor’s prison may be a thing of the past, but with your credit rating, you are an inmate of the prison of “cash only.” While other people are maxing out VISAs, driving SUVs and miring themselves in a life-long bog of debt, you are stuck living paycheck to paycheck, with ends that give each other the finger as they pass by, but have never even considered meeting. Start paying your bills on time today and in seven years you might qualify for a Mobil gas card, and be on your way to the big time.


Aries (March 21 to April 19) Tis month, Aries’ perpetually cockeyed equilibrium has got you more off balance than a cat with a missing whisker. When you are feeling woozy, go ahead and to excuse yourself and go sit on the john with your head between your knees for the space of a few stabling breaths, rather than weaving haphazardly through a room of your contemporaries like you’ve got two leſt feet – or too many whiskies down the hatch.


Taurus (April 20 to May 20) Spring cleaning is a drag, but you’ve accumulated more dust bunnies over the winter than Meg Ryan has accumulated wrinkles (before the surgery). Check into the expense of renting a power washer, then nail down the furniture and TV remote, and blast the rest of the useless debris out the back door and across the lawn into your neighbor’s yard, where it’s no longer your problem.


Gemini (May 21 to June 20) You are not looking forward to your final rest and oblivion, but you aren’t all that excited about the day-to-day drudgery you currently suffer through on a conscious level either. To ease the pain of awareness, try a CD featuring John Williams playing Bach on guitar (no, turn the TV off first!), and a plate full of brownies. If this fails, take the blue pill.


Young, male concertgoers (above) are at an increased risk of developing RHS.


Cancer (June 21 to July 22) You long for the ability to present yourself as a profound thinker, but you just can’t stop singing the Chili’s Baby Back Rib jingle long enough to focus on anything cerebral. Here’s an alternative – fake it. Buy a pair of reading glasses and a copy of Confucius’ dialects. Sit at the local coffee shop with these props,


and a steaming espresso, and, as long as you don’t make any friends, no one will know the difference.


Leo (July 23 to August 22) Nothing in life is permanent, and you should stop trying to imprint your individual stamp onto the world – it will eventually fade to naught, as do all things. Start your new life of impermanence today. Sign all


legal


documents in pencil, pass out the PIN of your checking account to all passers-by, and start telling the uninhibited truth. People will thank you. Especially the people with your PIN.


Virgo (August 23 to September 22) You’ve lived your entire life without ever stopping to consider how incredibly cool you might look in a Matador’s outfit. Don’t wait for Halloween! Te stars say you should go immediately to the nearest costume shop and try the getup on for size. You may never want to take it off. Tose shiny satin britches and how they cling to your muscular thighs! Tat lovingly stitched brocade jacket! Okay, small confession – the stars just saw that old Eminem video too.


Libra (September 23 to October 22) As a trusting Libra, you may find this hard to believe, but I’ve heard that if you leave valuable items unattended in a public place, someone is likely to walk away with that which you hold most dear, especially if it’s something small enough to pocket. Stop trusting the Almighty to guard your family heirlooms (or your Swatch watch) and think about investing in a state of the art wall safe.


Scorpio (October 23 to November 21) You have two choices aſter you initially open your daily two-liter of Mountain Dew: you can screw the lid back on as tightly as your muscles will allow, in an effort to preserve that delightfully biting carbonation, or you can screw the lid on loosely, and risk the degree of carbonation in order to retain the ability to unscrew the cap without ripping the skin off of your index finger and thumb when you go for that mid-morning second glass. Be aware of your choices. Tis is not a metaphor.


Sagittarius(November22to December 21) Save yourself the frustration of turning on the TV, skimming through every channel (twice), stopping sporadically to check the “info” for a show with a promising title (like Love on Ice or Big Brother’s Going To Get You) only to be disappointed, and hitting the off button with a sigh. Unless it is 9 p.m. on Sunday, and you subscribe to HBO or AMC, rest assured, there’s nothing on.


page 63


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