A page from the Recoil handbook... Recycling Tips


Te Earth’s current inconvenient yet inescapable environmental status demands that more and more of us accept recycling as a daily priority. Here are some pointers for beginning recyclists:


• Resealable envelopes can be used many times and are a great way of communicating to pen pals what a sickeningly cheap bastard you really are.


• Tin cans can be used as potted plant holders. They can also be used to store the bright, shiny penny that you saved as a result of your backbreaking four-hour recycling effort.


• Yoghurt containers, egg cartons and film canisters can be kept and used by the kids to create stuff. Yeah, they’d certainly rather play with your fucking garbage than an X-Box.


• Speaking to your neighbors about joining in on your recycling effort will ensure that your entire neighborhood will go out of their way to avoid you for as long as you live at your current address.


• Ice cubes can easily be recycled by putting them back in the freezer.


• Instead of throwing away jeans, shirts and other clothes after wearing them once, invest in a washing machine and you’ll be able to get three or four good uses out of each outfit!


• Junk mail can be used as bedding for pets as long as you don’t mind your home looking like a dedicated trash dump.


• Old tires can be used outside for plant pots – or, if you live in the South, as decoration.


• Try to make eye contact with drivers as you pull into an intersection or make a turn, so they know your intentions and you know that they’ve seen– …whoops, sorry, that one actually belongs under Cycling Tips.


• If you really want to use Styrofoam plates or cups, refer to them by their technical name, Expanded Polystyrene, and you won’t feel so bad about destroying the environment.


• Try to get more than just two or three uses out of each condom.


MAN from page 13


during lunch at a Lawrence Avenue Red Lobster. “It’s like there isn’t a single goddamn thing I can do right today. [I] should’ve just stayed in bed.” Elliot told sources that his decidedly


luckless day began at 9:05 this morning, when he awoke over an hour late to the blare of an incorrectly set alarm clock. “I had an important meeting at nine,”


Elliot explained. “I was pissed about oversleeping, but I remember thinking, ‘Oh well, what are you going to do? Worse things could happen. Shake it off and get on with your day, Steve.’” Tat day, Elliot would soon find,


was to be plagued by a seemingly never-ending series of mishaps that would eventually prompt Elliot to admit that he can not execute one simple goddamn task correctly today. “First off, I cut myself shaving, which


I never do,” said Elliot of his unusually blunder-laden morning routine. “I burned the toast I was going to eat for breakfast, and when I tried to make a pot of coffee, I spilled beans all over the floor and counter. I remember just standing there, staring at the beans scattered across the floor, shaking my head. I already knew it was going to be one of those days.” At work, Elliot again struggled to find


any goddamn job that he could perform without incident, as even his most focused efforts at productivity continued to yield bungled results. “First thing, right off the bat, I spilled


my coffee all over my desk as I was sitting down to edit tomorrow’s automobile section [of the classifieds],” said Elliot, rolling his eyes in obvious frustration. “I was like, ‘Perfect. Tat’s just perfect.’ My copy pages were soaked. I had to get production to reprint them so I could


ADVICE


HOW TO... SLOWLY KILL YOURSELF


Gradual harikari for the suicidally slothful With modern medicine determined to prolonging our grim and pointless human existence, American life expectancy is quickly becoming a number that more and more Game of Lifers would just as soon shoot under par. Here are some long-term health demoters capable of snuffing out your flame long before you’re due to burn out.


Cigarettes Lung cancer, throat cancer, emphysema – you name it, half a million dead people every year can’t be wrong. Sending the Grim Reaper a pack-a-day of smoke signals regarding your quick arrival may be losing social acceptability, but it still looks cool as hell.


Express Checkout: Testify in tobacco industry lawsuit; end up sharing storage space with Jimmy Hoffa.


Stress High-pressure jobs and


recoilmag.com page 16


financial difficulties offer the best exposure to this invisible killer, which raises blood pressure, causes heart attacks and promotes alcoholism. But then again, so does watching a Detroit Lions game.


Express Checkout: Daytrading.


Booze Oſten viewed as the only thing that keeps people from killing themselves, habitual


alcohol consumption causes liver failure, hepatitis, cirrhosis, death and beer goggle- related diseases. Not to mention the increased tendency to act like a drunken asshole.


Express Checkout: Use while driving.


Cell Phones Cell phones emit


radio waves


right next to the user’s head, allegedly causing brain tumors. As the loaded-gun-to-the-head of choice among American work-/talk-oholics, cell phone use increases a permanent headache’s likelihood by three times. Express Checkout: Use while driving.


proofread.” Coworkers agreed that while Elliot


is typically considered a picture of efficiency and “the guy you go to when you need something done right,” repeated incidents around the office this morning and early aſternoon indicated that Elliot was unable to do a goddamn thing right all day. “It’s like the Klutz Fairy visited Steve last


night,” said coworker Pam Lewoski, who witnessed Elliot drop a copy machine toner cartridge into a full mop bucket just before lunch. “I felt sorry for him.” Lewoski added that around mid-


“It’s like the Klutz Fairy visited Steve last night,” said coworker Pam


Lewoski, who witnessed Elliot drop a copy machine toner cartridge into a full mop bucket just before lunch.


aſternoon, Elliot’s mood deteriorated as he became increasing frustrated with his inability to do a single goddamn thing right. “I saw that Steve was having trouble


with the fax machine jamming so I asked him if I could help at all,” said Lewoski. “He spun around and said to me, almost yelling, ‘I wish, I just wish, I could do one fucking thing right today. Is that too much to ask?’ I was like, ‘Jesus, dude. Sorry I asked.’” Aſter witnessing the exchange, senior


editor Kyle Hughes insisted that Elliot take the remainder of the aſternoon off before another goddamn thing could go wrong and break Elliot’s understandably deteriorating tolerance. “Tings were not going Steve’s way


today. It looked like he was heading for a breakdown,” said Hughes. “I told him to go home and get a fresh start in the morning. He was just having some rough luck. We’ve all been there.”


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