WORLDWIDE HEADLINES Peanut gallery issues


final statement A few feet away – Finally yielding to incessant pressure from those who engage in open dialogue,


the peanut


gallery issued a final statement Monday, forever


silencing the wise-cracking


union of observers who had strived for decades to inject comic relief into every possible dissertation and conversation. Te gallery’s final statement read: “Ooooohhhh, well excuuusssse uuusss. Fine, I guess “that’s enough” from the peanut gallery. What the fuck ever, man. Eat shit.” When asked to comment, the peanut gallery simply put up its right hand and made a zipping motion across its mouth, signaling that it had nothing to add.


Singer Bonnie Tyler still holding out for


hero Up where the mountains meet the heavens above, out where the lightning splits the sea –Welsh-born pop singer Bonnie Tyler is still holding out for a hero until the morning light, according to the lyrics of her oſt-played 1984 radio hit. “Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods?” inquired Tyler before demanding that the hero in question be strong, fast, fresh from the fight, sure and larger than life. “Where’s the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?” Late at night, tossing and turning and dreaming of what she needs, Tyler – who


reportedly suffered a total eclipse of the heart in 1983 – told sources she believes it’ll take a superman to sweep her off her feet, and later confirmed that she can feel the as-of-yet unnamed hero’s approach like the fire in her blood, just beyond her reach, racing on the thunder end, rising with the heat.


Cokehead sex addict torn over best use for bedroom’s overhead


mirror Dallas, Texas – Local drug and sex enthusiast Nathaniel Baker


remained


torn this weekend regarding the best use for his bedroom’s overhead mirror – being able to watch himself have sex or snorting cocaine off the dismounted mirror’s surface. “It’s a tough call, no doubt,” said Baker, watching himself undress in the mirror which had recently been removed aſter sex in order


to


intake part of an eight-ball of coke Baker bought Tursday instead of paying his car insurance premiums. “It’s probably too much work to remount the mirror every time I’m going to screw. I guess I’ll just leave it down for now – seeing as it’s already down, nearing dawn, what’s-her- name’s getting ready to leave, and I still have some coke leſt.”


Overenthusiastic salute leaves soldier


unconscious Fayetteville, N.C. – Officials at Fort Bragg military base reported Tuesday that an


enthusiastic young enlistee named Jeremy Dunn, 18, knocked himself unconscious during day one of basic training Monday, suffering a self-administered blow to the head while eagerly saluting drill sergeant Robert T. Bowers. “Tis little maggot must have the worst depth perception I have ever encountered in my twenty-two years in this man’s army,” barked Bowers, standing over Dunn as base medics worked to revive the Bradford, Minn., native. “Will somebody teach this young lady when to stop his arc, for Christ’s sake? Or at least issue the poor bastard a goddamn brain bucket before he salutes himself straight into the infirmary. I will give him this, though: the son of a bitch displayed some good upper-body strength there. He’ll be king hell in hand- to-hand [combat] – so long as we can get him karate-chopping in the right goddamned direction.”


Angus Alert activated in statewide hunt for


lost appetite Sault Saint Marie, Mich. – In accordance with the Angus Alert issued late Tursday night by Michigan State Police officials, area radio and television stations began airing information regarding the lost appetite of local party store owner Alan Peal, which Peal said mysteriously disappeared sometime between the ordering and serving of his medium-rare Angus steak at Outback Steakhouse on James St. early Tursday evening. “We had just finished ordering, because I remember commenting to the


waiter about how famished I was,” Peal said, recalling the events leading up to his appetite’s disappearance. “I got up to go to the men’s room and there was somebody in one of the stalls totally puking his guts out. I practically ran back to my table; that’s when I noticed that my appetite was gone.” State Police officer Jim McNeal


told reporters that


although a majority of lost appetites end up coming back within 24 hours of their disappearance, some appetites invariably remain lost for days or even weeks. “Last month we initiated the Angus Alert aſter some guy’s girlfriend dumped him,” McNeal explained. “Te poor guy not only lost his girl that night – he also lost his appetite. From what I hear, he hasn’t eaten in weeks. What can I say? It’s a tragedy.”


Police suspect missing person will be in last


place they’d look Dayton, Ohio – Ohio State Trooper Dennis Horn told reporters Friday that a majority of investigators are starting to believe that the two-week search for missing 24-year-old Lena Belmore will end only when frustrated detectives finally search the very last place they would ever think to look. “It’s always like that in life – you look and look and look everywhere for something like your car keys and they end up being in the last place you’d look,” said Horn. “Except in this case it’s [possibly] a dead body -- probably behind somebody’s couch, I’m betting.”


A page from the Recoil handbook... Going to the Dentist


Visiting your family dentist can be a harrowing and painful experience. Here are some tips to help you prepare you and your loved ones for that fateful trip:


• Don’t bother trying to trick the dentist – he’ll know if you borrowed somebody else’s teeth just for your appointment.


• You may need to reassure your children that they needn’t fear the dentist just because he killed their older brother.


• Remember to remove the microfilm from your false tooth unless you want the whole dentist office to know about your moonlighting in the dangerous but thrilling world of international espionage.


• Hip-hop artists, you should have the value of your teeth appraised aſter every dentist visit, to make sure the doc isn’t palming one of your nuggets.


• Keep in mind that unless you specify “extraction,” dentists will simply move a damaged tooth to another part of your mouth.


• If your son expresses that he is afraid of going to the dentist, explain to him that he’s being a total pussy and needs to grow a set of balls before you start making him wear a dress to school.


• Okay, so the whole fluoride-in-the-drinking-water-will-help- promote-dental-health thing forgot to include the part about it also making people violently ill. But this new depleted- uranium-in-the-drinking-water-will-make-Americans-safer idea sounds like it can’t miss.


page 66 • Beware of any dentist with a trophy case full of teeth.


• No matter how badly your kid begs for you to get him braces, tell him he’s not getting them until he’s testing in the top one percent of his class and starts getting interested in computers.


• If the oral surgeon asks you if you’ve ever had nitrous oxide, keep in mind that he’s probably just looking for someone to party with.


• It may be wise to ask to see your dentist’s credentials if his office features a drive-thru.


• Why is it that not one of the big NHL stars studied dentistry in college? Doesn’t that seem strange to anyone else? I think that is very strange.


• If you’re pressed for time, many dentists will let you eat your lunch during your visit.


• If you can’t bring yourself to lie when asked if you floss regularly, you can always hurl mouthwash into the dentist’s eyes and flee.


• Before believing your wife’s allegation that she was molested while under anesthesia, demand to know why she put herself in the compromising position of lying in front of a man with her mouth wide open.


• It is well known that half a tube of toothpaste can kill a child. However, you should ask your dentist exactly how hard the child must be struck with the tube. And don’t be afraid to seek a second opinion – remember, there’s a life on the line, here.


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