PANERA from page 33 Red Cross rescue crews assembled


in the Panera parking lot aſter reports from the community suggested that the line at the popular fast-casual restaurant had reached a disastrous level during a heavier-than-expected lunch surge. “Te customers seem determined to wait it out, but they’re really grateful that


HOROSCOPES


can at least get inside the building,” said Red Cross volunteer Kevin Lear. “Obviously, anyone standing in this line


is in need of some serious help,” Lear added. Standing near the end of a line of


“Obviously, anyone standing in this line is in need of some serious help,” Lear added.


we’re out here providing them with such crude provisions as soup, sandwiches and coffee to help sustain them until they


WIFE from page 33


recognize her in that costume,” observed Montgomery, who as a neighbor claimed to know the Daltons best among the partygoers. “Fat chance. Between the hundred- proof breath and that crazy witch- cackle laugh of hers, she’s pretty tough to miss. All you have to do is listen: she’s one of those people who won’t even take yes for an answer – just nonstop


DEFICIT from page 33


on the state of Illinois on Dec. 31, 2018, shutting down our 21st state’s government agencies and encouraging businesses and residents to relocate to one of the 49 states remaining in operation. South Dakota will incur a similar shutdown in 2019 and New Jersey in 2020. Holtz-Eakin said that eliminating the


states is not only expected to provide relief to the federal deficit, but will also serve to strengthen the solidarity of the remaining union. “Trimming this prize fighter of a nation


down to a lean forty- seven


[states] is key


to staying competitive in the current global marketplace,” said Holtz-Eakin. “Naturally, homeland security will be improved because a smaller country is that much easier to defend than a big one.” CBO public relations manager Teodore


Hadley said that following each state’s closure, independent contractors will be commissioned to liquidate the state’s natural resources and prepare the lot to be used by the federal government as storage space. Although initial cutbacks in statehood


will leave a majority of U.S. citizens unaffected, CBO warned that failure to


balance the federal budget could force Washington to let go of several more states including Michigan, Delaware, Kentucky, Wyoming, Minnesota, Ohio, Arizona, Oregon, Idaho, Maine and North and South Carolina. “You can’t continue to increase spending


Hadley: “Would you rather have health care or Delaware?”


while tax revenues remain stagnant – something had to give,” said Hadley. “It comes down to simple choices: would you rather have health care or Delaware? Maybe I’m nuts but I think most Americans would say health care.” Outspoken opponent of the plan Congressman Tom Osborne (R-NE) recently argued that, logistical problems aside, CBO’s plan is flawed in that it makes no provision for limiting federal spending. “While I admire their


creativity on this matter, CBO’s failure to address our out-of-control


federal


spending is grossly negligent at best,” said Osborne. Rebuffing the criticism, Holtz-Eakin


called Osborne “short-sighted” before asking a reporter exactly which state Osborne represents and scribbling the answer onto his legal pad. Holtz-Eakin later named Nebraska along with four other states when indicating that more cutbacks may be required in the future.


Montgomery: “Between the hundred-proof breath


‘blah blah blah blah blah’ at top volume. I honestly don’t know how [Tim] lives with that woman.” “Maybe they’re


and that crazy witch-cackle laugh of hers, she’s pretty tough to miss.”


trying to save their marriage by doing more things together,” t h e o r ize d accountant Janet Smith. Noting Dalton’s body


language, Smith conceded: “Except Tim looks as if he’s looking for somebody to save him.”


customers extending outside and around the corner of the eatery, Janelle Dryer said that she was “willing to take [her] chances” acquiring nourishment at Panera rather than make


the unbearable


100-yard trek to an overstaffed Arby’s located immediately adjacent to Panera Bread. “I don’t think any of the


people around me [in line] are even considering just giving up like that,” Dryer said.


Pisces (February 19 to March 20) Your strong foot-gnawing fetish could be construed as an unconscious predilection towards cannibalism – an eating habit strongly contradicting your vegetarian diet. I’d offer words of advice, but since most Pisces claiming to be “vegetarian” still consume fish, well, they’re just too far out of touch with


reason for me to even worry about saving them. I won’t waste my time; there are other stars in the sky more worthy of my attention.


Aries (March 21 to April 19) Sexual ninja Aries


has incredible


difficulty finding sparring partners for those lengthy bedroom workouts; not everyone is into prolonged efforts into tricking the procreation instincts of the body for the sole purpose of inciting momentary pleasure. Realize that in today’s fast-paced lifestyle, people working 14-hour days don’t have time to sleep, let alone go 15 rounds in the sack every night just to achieve 15 seconds of euphoria.


Taurus (April 20 to May 20) Any sports magazine calendar will confirm that NFL field-goal kickers and World Cup soccer goalies are predominately Taurus – tunnel-visioned snobs who believe in doing only one thing but doing it well. Fine; you Taurus freaks let us peasants do the grunt work, but you better be damn sharp when it comes time to showcase your specialized talent, or expect mass ridicule from everyone that’s counting on you.


Gemini (May 21 to June 20) Gemini’s navigationally challenged nature demands declining employment at gas stations. Rather than purchasing one of the $1.29 maps at the cash register’s immediate right, lost travelers depend on benzene jockeys for traffic guidance, and the last thing we need is your direction-dyslexic ass telling us which way is north.


Cancer (June 21 to July 22) World traveling Cancer has too much blind faith in the safety of commercial aviation. Sure those winged tubes have been thwarting King Physics for years while maintaining a better safety rating than automobile travel, but when the Great Horn honks out “Taps” in your key, bear in mind that most would rather die ON the ground than because of it.


Leo (July 23 to August 22) Your reckless disregard for the menace of STDs makes you statistically destined for infection; a Leo drinking his/her way into an unprotected one night stand is as doomed as a colorblind epicure picking mushrooms without a field guide. Playing Russian roulette with your procreation equipment is big fun until mathematical inevitability causes your duties on the toilet to indicate a BURNING need to see a doctor. Superglue your zipper at once.


Virgo (August 23 to September 22) Michigan winter will soon cause seasonally-saddened Virgo to take a cruise; indeed, there’s nothing like getting set afloat aboard a $17 million raſt with nothing to do except indulge in sun, sex and slot machines. Be sure


to bone up on International Waters law loopholes before setting sail, so as to properly exploit the lack of Big Brother’s policing.


Libra (September 23 to October 22) Te Death Rattle isn’t a toy the Grim Reaper played with as an infant, it’s the body’s way of warning you that your next breath will indeed be your last. And while typically viewed as a sound you’d rather not hear any time soon, the Death Rattle would be a breath of fresh audio air in a week when you can expect a significant amount of bitching streaming from the lips of your significant other.


Scorpio (October 23 to November 21) Scorpio can’t help but feel apprehensive about the effectiveness of the upcoming Presidential administration. Realize that whichever yahoo eventually does become President will merely be another manufactured carburetor for the engine of a government locked on cruise control at 40 MPH in the leſt lane of the country’s progress – we could spend the next century electing and installing new parts, but the whole vehicle needs to be replaced by the electric car.


Sagittarius(November22 to December 21) Staying off incarceration is a top priority for homophobic Sagittarius; the limited options


provided by our gender-


segregated penal system would no doubt force strange and unnatural self- experimentations. And considering that guards rarely leave inmates alone with an entire apple pie, creative stimulation might require the use of more available, more abrasive apparatuses. Abiding by society’s laws seems a fair price for avoiding all that.


Capricorn (December 22 to January 19) Brainiac Capricorn should spend a little less time at the library and a little more time getting a life. What good is knowing by memory the atomic weight of Tungsten and the optimum PH value for growing tomatoes if you still live with your parents and consistently get fired from your paper routes? Lay off the weed and start getting interested in greed like everybody else.


Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) Aquarius’ curious mind has read enough Darwin and Sagan to understand man’s evolution from amphibian to mammal. Turning to atheism out of pure logic seems wise, but even a mild familiarity with the cryptic words of Revelations should be enough to scare you into making whatever promises are necessary to ensure that if indeed the Great Bullfrog ever does croak, you’ve reserved a spot on one of those big, white lily pads in the sky.


page 35


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