WORLDWIDE HEADLINES
Husband pleads for safe return of wife’s
sex drive Atlanta, Ga. – Gary Gerard, 31, pleaded to newspaper and television reporters Friday, asking for the public’s help in providing any information that might lead to the safe return of his wife Mia’s sex drive, which sources confirmed Gerard had reported missing during early summer. “It’s been a nightmare for me, forced to simply wait and wonder, just trying to get through each day to come home in hopes of finding that Mia’s sex drive has been returned,” said Gerard, who, having been married to Mia for just under two years, admitted to “failing to appreciate what he had while he had it.” “Only now, after Mia’s sex drive has been removed from my life, am I realizing that I had taken it for granted. I now understand how little time men have with their wives’ sex drive, how it should be cherished and enjoyed like you’ll never see it again – because it can be suddenly ripped away from you without a moment’s notice,” said a sobbing Gerard, who then retired to the couple’s bedroom to masturbate before his wife returned from the grocery store.
Essence captured New York, N.Y. – Officials at Calvin
Klein announced Friday the successful completion of its three-year effort to capture the essence of spring rain – in a new fragrance called Precipitation. “In
this fragrance we’ve managed to capture the very essence of spring rain,” said world-renown fragrance designer Paco Rabanne, who worked with authorities in identifying and capturing the essence. “The capturing of this essence will make the world a more pleasant place.” Calvin Klein had previously enlisted Rabanne to spearhead successful efforts to capture the essence of passion, love and longing.
Tere area nose tackle goes with his ‘false
start’ bullshit again Janesville, Wis. – Officials, coaches, crowd members and opposing players immediately began complaining about Derek Hounds after the Parker High Vikings varsity nose tackle blamed his third offside infraction of the first quarter on a false start by the offense during the teams’ Friday night loss to the Madison Memorial Spartans. “There goes that idiot nose tackle with his ‘false start’ bullshit again,” yelled Spartans’ coach Eric Robertson after Hounds’ third attempt to sway referee Paul Shremp into believing that the Spartans’ center flinched before snapping the football. “False start my ass. Give him a technical [penalty], ref!” Vikings players reported that defensive coordinator David Burns took Hounds aside during halftime and ordered the defensive lineman to count “one apple, two apple, three apple” before rushing in after the snap to prevent further embarrassment to the team.
Great, so now area man is the one who
looks like asshole Tucson, Ariz. – Thanks to your apprehension over complaining about your neighbor’s constantly barking dog, great, now area man Fred Banks is the one who looks like a total asshole for complaining to the city about it, Banks said Friday. “You’ve seriously lived next to that dog for three years and you’ve never once bitched to anyone about its barking? Oh, great, so now I, the new neighbor, look like a total dink for saying something right away,” said an agitated Banks, who noted that he doesn’t at all like coming across like such a jerk, despite often doing so. Added Banks: “That’s just perfect. Thanks. Thanks a lot.”
Disputatious soundmen enter freakishly uninteresting discussion about best
way to mix theater Detroit, Mich. – Jeremy Price and Dale Osborne, sound technicians employed by the sound company Jefferson Audio, entered a mind-numbingly uninteresting debate Tuesday afternoon about the best way to mix the band performing at Fox Theater later that evening. “With the acoustics in this room you’ve got to roll off the high end and boost the mids on the crossover or the PA will sound
First Aid Tips
• To prevent thievery of your bandages and ointments, affix your first aid kit with a strong lock, then hide the key and tell no one of its location.
• Despite what some people may say, there’s nothing “uncool” about playing it safe by carrying marijuana with you at all times in case of a medical emergency.
• In case of poisoning, you may need to induce vomiting; keep a copy of Ashlee Simpson’s “Pieces Of Me” video in your first aid kits.
• You can ease the pain of a person who’s been cut by reminding them that they just would’ve had to go to practice every damn day for the next few months had they actually made the football team.
• Puncture wounds can prove incredibly difficult to clean – unless, of course, you’re a creative thinker who happens to get injured near a self-serve magic-wand car wash.
• Remember that episode of M*A*S*H* when Radar performed an emergency tracheotomy using a pocketknife and ballpoint pen? Yeah, that was a pretty
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Te ability to administer first aid is one of the most important skills a person can acquire. Here is a basic guide to emergency medical assistance: good episode.
• Never, ever attempt to move a person with a serious head or back injury until you’ve asked their permission.
• You could argue all day about whether a man’s burns are second- degree or third-degree, but that’s not going to help put out the fire that’s quickly engulfing the rest of his body.
• Serious cuts may demand that you apply direct pressure for up to 10 minutes to stop the bleeding – 12 minutes if you’re allowing time to show curious people how gross it looks.
• Act quickly to cut out a seizure victim’s tongue, so he or she doesn’t swallow it.
like there’s a blanket over the speakers,” said Price, reiterating an opinion found interesting only by Osborne. “Yeah, but don’t forget, frequency response on our new powers amps is ruler-flat from forty-two hertz to twenty kilohertz, with a three decibel down point at forty hertz,” countered Osborne. As the two began a spirited debate regarding which frequencies to scoop out of the monitor mix, two stagehands who had been attempting to listen to the conversation began a far more interesting discussion regarding the third season of the HBO showTe Walking Dead.
Homeless man’s problems apparently
rectifiable with dime Denver, Colo. – While seemingly in need of much more to remedy his current situation, an area homeless man announced to passersby Monday that he “only need[ed] ten cents.” Several who encountered the vagrant recalled assessing his level of need to require a higher monetary figure. “I took one look at the guy and immediately thought he would need a lot of money, education, and maybe personal counseling to overcome his hardships,” said area resident Charles Houska. “I was as shocked as anyone when I found out the only thing between his homelessness and being a productive member of society was a dime.” Houska, who gave the unidentified man 58 cents, hopes the street dweller’s life has turned around as of one day later.
A page from the Recoil handbook...
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