EDITORIAL


If I didn’t like you, you’d be the first to hear about it through the grapevine


Cassandra Johnson, please forgive me for addressing you by way of open letter, but I felt it a better alternative


grudge against you. First, Cassandra, please allow me to take


this opportunity to assure you that your contention is unjustified. I have nothing at all against you – scout’s honor. But while we’re talking about my hesitance to interact with you at work, please let me take a moment to make sure you understand, for future reference, that I am the kind of person that if I didn’t like you, believe me, you’d have been the first person to hear about it through the grapevine. Obviously, since we had never before


By Gretchen James


than confronting you straight out about my feelings regarding Friday, when we had our first actual conversation since becoming coworkers in November. I must admit, I was flabbergasted by your harsh verbal accusation that I have something against you, don’t like you, or harbor some manner of unknown


KITTENS from page 49


constant squirming and being easily distracted by irrelevant sights, sounds and extraneous stimuli – a ball of yarn or a toy mouse, for example,” said UCLA researcher David Berman, who led the study. “In the past these symptoms have simply been attributed to youth – passed off as cute or playful, instead of being acknowledged as symptoms of a disorder. But we now know that when a kitten is bouncing hastily and randomly between playing with a loose string, chasing a remote controlled car, trying to give the goldfish a heart attack and tonguing herself clean, it’s actually a physical sign of the kitten’s neurotic psychological condition.” According


to Berman, UCLA


researchers achieved their results by studying a representative sample of 1,000 kittens from all parts of the country during the kittens’ first eight weeks of normal, indoors rearing. By documenting the habits of these felines, researchers were able to diagnose 904 of the adorable animals as having either the inattentive type ADD or the hyperactive/ impulsive type ADHD. “Te remaining ninety-six kittens were


either stillborn or died shortly aſter birth,” said Berman. “So, technically,


we could have draſted a report that said that all kittens, so long as they’re alive, have ADD – but we all agreed that just sounded too depressing. By saying only


“Technically, we could have draſted a report that said that all kittens, so long as they’re


alive, have ADD – but we all agreed that just sounded too depressing,” said Berman.


ninety percent of kittens are suffering from these conditions, at least cat owners who haven’t read the fine print of the study can hope that their kittens are part of that ten percent which aren’t afflicted.” Berman said that in the past, most


kittens displaying the symptoms of ADD or ADHD were routinely misdiagnosed – most oſten by their owners but even by trained veterinarians or behavior specialists well-versed in animal psychology. “For


the typical


to slow down, develop a longer attention span and stop its constant squirming,” said Berman, referring to ADD and ADHD symptoms that were previously thought to be part of the normal behavior of a kitten. Roger Vick, vice president of operations


at the pharmaceutical manufacturer Novartis – a company which was quick to voice strong support of the study’s findings – told sources Wednesday that Novartis will soon bring to market Kitilan, a specially formulated derivative of Ritilan made exclusively for kittens to help curb their symptoms. “Using our medication will provide these


cat owner, when his or her kitten would display an ADD symptom such as being unable to focus long enough to listen to and act on instructions, he or she would oſten just shrug it off with a ‘She’ll grow out of it’ and simply hope that as a full-grown adult their kitten will begin


Novartis will soon bring to market Kitilan, a specially formulated derivative of Ritilan made exclusively for kittens to help curb their symptoms.


kittens with their one and only chance to live a normal life,” said Vick. “A kitten that is properly diagnosed and prescribed Kitilan will no longer be bouncing off the ceiling like they normally would. Tey will be able to control their attention span and they won’t engage in physically dangerous activities without considering possible consequences like many ADD positive creatures do. Long story short, you won’t


have to worry about your kitten getting into all sorts of humorous situations that look like they belong on a photo calendar.”


spoken until this week, you haven’t been able to find out for yourself that I am by no means the kind of person who shies away from making my personal feelings toward someone known to every other person who will listen. Call me crazy, but I simply can’t stand not getting things off my chest by badmouthing whoever it is that’s puncturing my craw. Take my word for it: if I don’t like someone, you can be damned sure that eventually you’re going to hear from someone at work that I speak badly of that person behind his or her back. About that, Cassandra, you can ask anyone.


Some people can keep their muted


contempt for a coworker all bottled up inside. Some people can even openly discuss their personal grievances with that person face to face, so that there’s no confusion about their issues. But while I have absolutely nothing against these kinds of people, I have to admit that I’m simply not one of them. In the restroom, in the cafeteria, at the watercooler – I’m not afraid to tell everyone within earshot exactly what I think about the


I’m not afraid to tell


you must be okay in my book. As to your on-target comment that


everyone within earshot exactly what I think about


people who aren’t around right at that moment. So rest assured that if aſter six months of working in the same office as me, nobody’s come up to you in the bathroom and told you that I’ve got it out for you or think you’re a two-faced bitch or something of the like, then obviously


I’ve “never said two words to you,” let me simply assure you that my failure to verbally interact with you at work has nothing to do with adverse feelings toward you – I’m simply not good at conversing in certain social climates. Please understand that I live by the advice that if you can’t say something shitty about another person to somebody without that person overhearing you, it’s best to not say anything at all – and you happen to have some world-class assholes inhabiting your


adjacent


the people who aren’t around right at that moment.


cubicles, hence


my tightlipped behavior around you. If our work situation was different, like if you and I worked alone together in some isolated area, you can bet I’d be gnawing your ear off every day about


some of the jerks in our office. Instead of being mad that I don’t speak to you, you’d probably be up in arms about me constantly talking about how much of a prick that guy Paul from IT can be. I’ll bet at least 10 different people have told him how much I can’t stand him.


COUPLE from page 49 Added Lot: “Tat’s the kind of idea that


only looks good on paper.” Harrison’s friend Mary Eckert agreed. “Te first time Derek ofandedly says


something like, ‘I just imagined your sister naked,’ you know, trying to stick to this ‘full disclosure’ rule, Leana’s going to freak,” said Eckert. “But according to this new always-verbally-express-the- full-contents-of-your-brain idea, that’s exactly the kind of stuff Derek is allowed – in fact now encouraged – to say.” According to Fredricks, the couple’s


doomed resolve materialized following a two-hour dispute concerning the 31-year-old’s reluctance to discuss previous relationships with Harrison. “Leana was mad because I didn’t want


to answer a bunch of bullshit questions about old girlfriends,” said Fredricks. “I thought I was doing the right thing by just not even getting into a conversation about it. It seemed like the kind of touchy subject that could lead to an argument. Go figure.” Harrison said she suggested the couple


disclose information more openly in an attempt to minimize miscommunication and the harboring of resentments. “I told Derek that I thought we could


avoid a lot of arguments if he would just be open and honest with me about everything,” said Harrison. “Aſter about another hour he agreed to try it my way. And I already tell Derek everything. Everything.”


page 51


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40  |  Page 41  |  Page 42  |  Page 43  |  Page 44  |  Page 45  |  Page 46  |  Page 47  |  Page 48  |  Page 49  |  Page 50  |  Page 51  |  Page 52  |  Page 53  |  Page 54  |  Page 55  |  Page 56  |  Page 57  |  Page 58  |  Page 59  |  Page 60  |  Page 61  |  Page 62  |  Page 63  |  Page 64  |  Page 65  |  Page 66  |  Page 67  |  Page 68  |  Page 69  |  Page 70  |  Page 71  |  Page 72  |  Page 73  |  Page 74  |  Page 75  |  Page 76  |  Page 77  |  Page 78  |  Page 79  |  Page 80  |  Page 81  |  Page 82  |  Page 83  |  Page 84  |  Page 85  |  Page 86  |  Page 87  |  Page 88  |  Page 89  |  Page 90  |  Page 91  |  Page 92  |  Page 93  |  Page 94  |  Page 95  |  Page 96  |  Page 97  |  Page 98  |  Page 99  |  Page 100  |  Page 101  |  Page 102  |  Page 103  |  Page 104  |  Page 105  |  Page 106  |  Page 107  |  Page 108  |  Page 109