EDUCATION
A page from the Recoil handbook...
Many people feel an instinctual urge to take to the outdoors every summer carrying less than a third of their modern home conveniences. Here are some
Camping Tips tips for getting the most out of your weekend excursion:
• Though you may desperately want to know what’s inside, leave one FedEx box unopened for foreshadowing purposes.
• You can greatly extend the life of your flashlight batteries by putting them in backwards.
• It never fails: you’re out camping for a few days – just trying to relax, rarely even coming out of the tent except for bathroom runs – and the Gander Mountain manager eventually opens the tent flap and asks you to leave the showroom floor before he calls the cops. Fuckin’ asshole.
• Smart people never hike alone. Smart people never hike, for that matter.
• Remember to register daily at the fairgrounds office, otherwise you won’t be eligible to win the prize given out for setting off the wee morning M-80 that wakes up the greatest amount of campers.
Above: Te recently graduated rock-filled box. Inset: Te box’s University of Phoenix diploma.
Box of rocks graduates from University of Phoenix
Pinconning, Mich. – A historic collegiate achievement was realized Friday when a medium-sized cardboard box containing a half-dozen rocks received a Bachelors Degree of Science in Business/Marketing from University of Phoenix Online, a popular online college. “Congratulations!
seek a leave of absence from its current job at a Pinconning residence, where for five years it has been solely responsible for stopping a porch’s screen door from opening all of the way.
The inanimate object had previously received no formal
You’ve graduated!” the box of rocks was informed by e-mail following the completion of the course’s final exam. “Welcome to the exciting world of Business/Marketing! Click here to register for a Masters Degree from University of Phoenix Online, the nation’s leading University for working professionals.” According to sources, the box of rocks
had been able to obtain its degree online in only three years and without having to
education via public schooling or provate vocational training.
a milestone for the
object which had previously received
The event marked inanimate
no formal education
via public schooling or private vocational training. University of Phoenix public relations
director Kyle Rise refused to disclose the cumulative grade point average earned by the box of rocks, but confirmed that it had indeed earned passing marks in all of the courses required to receive a diploma from the atypical school. “That a box of rocks was able to earn
its degree through the University of Phoenix’s online program is proof
The box obtained its degree online without having to quit its current job at a Pinconning
residence, where for five years it has been solely responsible for stopping a porch’s screen door from opening all of the way.
positive that anyone or anything – regardless of social class, cognitive ability or financial resources – can, through hard work and persistence, earn a college degree,” said Rise. Rise speculated that news of the box of
Dasani introduces new bottled bong water
rocks’ achievement could spark increased enrollment among demographics previously absent from the University’s student body, such as bags of hammers, telephone poles and Texas residents.
page 11
• Calling tech support in advance will make it much easier to get your internet connection up and running at the campground.
• In the event of a bear attack, lie down on your back and try to appear lifeless. Men, ask your wives for advice on achieving this pose.
• Never feed the wildlife, as this will make animals dependent on handouts for survival. The same goes for your children.
• Make a scrapbook of close-up photos of each of your bug bites, to preserve the memories of your camping experiences for the members of your family that don’t die from malaria, West Nile virus, etc.
• Do not, under any circumstances, pack a fire extinguisher. If by some miracle you do manage to get a decent fire going, you certainly don’t want to risk someone putting it out.
• Keep in mind that sand, like vampires, can’t come into your tent unless invited.
• Spreading a gross or so of industrial-sized tacks around the campfire will keep your baby from crawling into harm’s way.
• Be sure one of your friends packs an axe or else years later your straight-to-DVD true story horror/thriller won’t be able to get much of a plot going.
• If you’re not up to packing everything and then driving 100 miles to camp at some remote, fly-blown shithole, keep in mind that there’s no law that says you have to leave home to start drinking beer at noon on Saturday.
• It’s wise to find the laundromat nearest to your campsite before it starts to rain. It’s also helpful if the laundromat has a hotel attached to it.
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