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NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil Crips attack bloodmobile Above: Cloned members of the band Blink-182. Inset: Members of the band Blink-182.


Scientists clone pop-punk band Technology to ensure continued stream of color-by-numbers radio swill


Worchester, Mass. – At a Monday Above: One of six modified RVs being used by the East Los Angeles hospital as mobile blood-donation centers.


Los Angeles, Calif. – Two members of the Los Angeles-based street gang Te Crips remain in custody Wednesday following their alleged attack on a Santa


Marta Hospital bloodmobile, one of six modified RVs being used by the East Los Angeles hospital as mobile blood- donation centers.


Te mangled body of the


bloodmobile was discovered by would-be blood and plasma donors Tuesday evening at the corner of 134th Street and Martin Luther King Blvd.


Automatic tithing machine installed outside church entrance


Te mangled body of the bloodmobile


was discovered by would-be blood and plasma donors Tuesday evening at the corner of 134th Street and Martin Luther see CRIPS page 24


morning press conference, researchers at Advanced Cell Technology (ACT) announced their successful cloning of Blink-182 – one of the mega-popular mainstream radio bands that major record labels have p r e v i o u s l y attempted to clone hundreds of


times only success. with


partial “Our


“Band cloning technology will ensure the music


development of band cloning technology will ensure the music industry’s ability to churn out an endless parade of bands that all look and sound the same,” said ACT President Andrew R. Taylor, Ph.D. “Tis technology’s impact on [MTV’s] TRL alone is almost too massive to comprehend.” According to Taylor, ACT – a


biotechnological research company located in Worchester, Mass. – made the


industry’s ability to churn out an endless parade of bands that all look and


sound the same,” said Taylor.


breakthrough in early April aſter more than 20 failed attempts. A seven-person team of scientists successfully created identical clones of Tom Delonge, Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker, who together as Blink-182 achieved enormous m ai n s t r e am success with their 1999 album, Enema of the State, and spawned a flood of bandwagon- jumping acts that closely mimicked the pop-punk trio in both


appearance and substance. Taylor noted that although such bands


as Sum 41, Marvelous 3, American Hi-Fi, New Found Glory, Good Charlotte, Te All-American Rejects, Unwritten Law and others may bear uncanny resemblances to Blink-182 – rambunctious, carefree young hipsters performing three-chord, three-minute, see CLONE page 24


VH1’s Behind the Music exposes Bobby McFerrin’s nightmare descent into love and happiness


Photographer struggling to identify model’s good side


Hollywood, Calif. – According to a preview article published on www. tvguidelive.com, an upcoming episode of VH1’s biographical program Behind the Music brings to light previously undisclosed information regarding the nightmare descent into love and happiness that followed vocal sensation Bobby McFerrin’s massive international success in the late eighties. Scheduled for an Aug. 15 airing, the documentary


hour-long details how


the fortune and fame brought on by McFerrin’s 1998 single “Don’t Worry Be Happy” propelled the 10-time Grammy- winning artist down a twisted road of joy,


see NIGHTMARE page 23


Above: Multi-Grammy winning recording artist Bobby McFerrin. page 21


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