WORLDWIDE HEADLINES
Boss gladly promises secretary time off to
recover from boob job Chicago, Ill. – Garry Alkest of the Quaker Oats Company seemed more than happy to oblige his secretary’s request for two weeks off during late July to recover from breast augmentation surgery, sources said Friday. “Mister Alkest is usually very touchy when it comes to asking for time off, but he seemed more than happy to grant Sally [Drenth]’s vacation request – probably because it concerned increasing the size of her breasts,” explained coworker Patrice Klimtt. “[Alkest]was like, ‘Oh, yeah, absolutely. No problem at all.’ What a pervert.” An astonished Klimtt said that she also believes she overheard Alkest suggesting that he and Drenth discuss an increase in Drenth’s salary upon her post-op return to work in early August.
Viewer realizes Top Gear channel
actually BBC Winston-Salem, N.C.
– Gabriel
Townsend, 25, realized Tuesday during his nightly viewing of Top Gear reruns that the channel he had previously thought was reserved exclusively for
airing non-stop episodes of the car- oriented television show is actually BBC America, a cable channel that sometimes shows programs other than Top Gear, Townsend told reporters. “I usually watch Top Gear from the time I get home until the time I go to bed,” said Townsend. “Every time I’ve ever turned on channel one thirty eight, Top Gear has always been on, but this weekend I turned it on and saw that they were airing an episode of Doctor Who. I was flat-out confused until I turned on the guide and noticed that the channel is not the Top Gear channel at all, but is actually called BBC America – meaning they play shows other than Top Gear. [Tat was] news to me.” Townsend later discovered that BBC America even plays shows in which the actors do not use a British accent, such as Star Trek: Te Next Generation and Te X-Files.
Something further
from the truth Madison, Wis. – Just when area resident Carla Mitchell thought she had convinced friend Sheila Bartow that Mitchell did not engage in bigotry – stating that “nothing could be further from the truth” – Bartow suggested that another subject, in fact, was indeed further from the truth, Bartow told
reporters Monday. “I told Carla that, no, based on the racist tendencies I’ve seen her exhibit in the past, there are actually a number of things that are further from the truth than her being a bigot – such as the notion that my husband is faithful to me,” said Mitchell. “Now that’s something that’s very much further from the truth.”
Gay marriage remains legal in New York if you totally want your
ass kicked in public Albany, N.Y. – Almost one year aſter New York voters made legal same-sex marriage throughout the state, the right to marry remains lawful for gay couples who are willing to have their asses violently beaten in the streets by people who overwhelmingly oppose the ideal. “As long as you don’t mind being vocally ridiculed and physically assaulted every time you go out in public, homosexuals are very much allowed to legally marry in New York,” said Representative Eliot Engel [R-NY]. “Even if gay marriage is not recognized by the federal government, the people of New York recognize the unusual pairing and probably applaud these homosexuals’ courage – while they’re busy beating those queers within an inch of liquid consistency.” Engel
predicted that the practice of recognizing and attacking married gay couples will one day be adopted by all 50 states.
Area smart ass glad you asked that,
actually Savannah, Ga. – Area resident and renowned smart ass Johan Brun is glad you wondered aloud about how many states originally joined to form the Confederate States of America, since Brun, as always, knows the answer and will have a chance to demonstrate his intelligence while looking down at you for your pathetic ignorance regarding the history surrounding the U.S. Civil War. “Seven southern states banded together against
the northern blocking of the
expansion of slavery into the western territories,” boasted Brun, delivering the trivial fact in his well-practiced know-it-all tone that makes him sound like some sort of elite asshole. “South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana and, of course, Texas – although Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee and North Carolina later declared their secession from the United States and joined the Confederacy,” Brun added, deliberately mentioning that he minored in American History in college as if anyone gave a shit.
A page from the Recoil handbook... Planning Your Wedding
Organizing your wedding is a monumental task capable of humbling even the most ambitious love-struck fool. Below are some tips to help you plan a beautiful ceremony and memorable reception:
• Women, on the big day, don’t joke around in any way or allow others to engage in horseplay – and for God’s sake don’t smile or try to enjoy yourself, because if one infinitesimally minor detail goes wrong on your wedding day, your entire life is ruined forever.
• Respect your vegetarian friends by offering a choice of steak, chicken or waiting in the parking lot until all the fun people have finished gorging themselves on the flesh of beasts.
• Men, be courteous and do not take more wives than you can use. Sometimes a man’s eyes can be bigger than his stomach.
• If you’re writing your own vows, keep in mind that slang terms such as “shitkicking” shouldn’t appear until the very end.
• Don’t be embarrassed – drinking the lamb’s blood before setting fire to the hexagonal etching is a common mistake made during pagan wedding ceremonies.
• Hiring a photographer and a videographer is a great way to preserve the moment for people who can’t be burdened with the hassle of having to use their own memory.
• Out of courtesy to all of the divorced attendees, instruct the wedding official to add the words “or whatever” right aſter “until death do you part.”
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• Carefully scrutinize the references listed by potential DJs. Good reference: the Henderson wedding. Bad reference: Suge Knight party.
• Men, hold off on telling your fiancé about the wild stuff that went down at your bachelor party so you can use the stories as dinner conversation during the reception.
• Before commencing, make sure you’ve thoroughly cleaned both metal surfaces and have enough spool on your MIG. Oh wait, sorry, that a tip for planning your welding.
• Pausing ever so slightly before saying “I do” will give you a leg-up in the upcoming battle for control of the relationship.
• The dollar dance will prove much more profitable if you provide your wife with a stage and pole.
• Take special care when cutting the wedding cake with your new spouse – it’ll be good practice for when it comes time to divvy up your joint assets.
• Believe it or not, it is possible to put
on a beautiful wedding and reception without crippling your pocketbook. God, however, will not be pleased.
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