WORLDWIDE HEADLINES Uppity houseplant only drinks bottled


water Santa Monica, Calif. – Madeline Stack told sources Sunday that the well-to-do Santa Monica resident’s geranium plant refuses to absorb into its roots any water that is not a bottled, store-bought product. “Santa Monica residents typically have a bit higher standards than common folk, or in this case, common plant life,” said Stack, pouring the contents of a 16-ounce bottle of Dasani into a spray bottle. “If you give this plant just regular tap water, the next day it’ll already be wilting. It’s like the plant goes on a hunger strike or something and refuses to drink – it’ll just keep looking worse and worse until you give it some Evian or some other brand of bottled water.” Stack, 39, later confirmed that she herself also refuses to drink any water that has not been stolen from a polluted lake, run through a filter, bottled and sold at a remarkably inflated price.


Infant not nearly as adorable when crying


at 3 a.m. Seattle, Wash. – First-time parents Mark and Julie Ward have begun recognizing


LAW Drunk-driving attorney a total blast to party with


Akron, Ohio – Clients of local defense attorney Jarrod R. Kendall told reporters Saturday that in addition to being one of Akron’s busiest and most well-known DUI defense lawyers, the 44-year-old bachelor is also a total blast to hang out and party with outside the courtroom. “I’ve partied with Jarrod on and off


since we got to know each other in 2002 – when he represented me on my third impaired driving said


[charge],” Curt Stefan, Client Jeremy Buckler: “I


a night deejay at the local gentleman’s club Daffodils. “He comes in to the club at least two or three nights a week and lays out a couple hundred bucks on dances and drinks. We usually end up closing the place down and partying at my place right up until he has to be in court the next morning to keep one of his clients from getting their [driver’s] license cut up. The guy knows how to have a good time, that’s for sure.” After pausing briefly and quietly


laughing to himself, Stefan added: “It’s pretty funny to think that one of my worst influences is also my DUI lawyer.” Having specialized in DUI-related law


since opening his practice in 1992, Jarrod has built his business and reputation around happily defending the kind of clients who might otherwise have trouble finding legal representation. “I consulted other attorneys who said


doubt there are many lawyers out there who will accept an eight-ball as a retainer.”


they would have taken my DUI [case] if I hadn’t also gotten nailed for possession with intent [to distribute] at the same time,” said Jeremy Buckler, a new client of Kendall’s. “I guess those lawyers didn’t want to have anything to do with a suspected drug dealer. Jarrod, on the other hand, was immediately interested in working with me – especially after I told him about the dope charge. He’s so cool he’s even letting


me barter for services so I


won’t go broke trying to pay him. I doubt there are many lawyers out there who will accept an eight-ball as a retainer.” Despite having had only one week to prepare for their case – a process that included several intense, late-night consultations


at Hooters – Buckler


said that not only does he have great confidence in Kendall as a legal advisor, he is also enjoying the comfort of being represented by an experienced DUI attorney who shares many of Buckler’s views, values and hobbies. “Jarrod told me that he’s actually


gotten popped for drunk-driving like five times,” Buckler noted. “To me, the fact that he’s still behind the wheel instead of behind bars speaks volumes about his legal skills. And besides, the last person I’d want in my corner on a DUI is some straight-laced, buttoned-down square of a lawyer who’s never even


that their sweet, cute-as-a-button infant daughter April is not nearly as adorable when the toddler is wailing and crying for attention at top volume three or four times every night while both career-minded parents attempt to rest in preparation for their upcoming workdays. “Everyone from the grandparents to our friends and neighbors agree that April is absolutely the most adorable baby one Earth, but they’ve never had to fuss with her for half


the night, feeding and changing


her,” said an exhausted-looking Julie Ward while heating baby formula for at 3 a.m. Monday morning. “I love her and everything, but trust me, little April isn’t nearly as adorable when viewed through red, bag-ridden, sleep-deprived eyes.”


Supreme Court reaches 5-4 decision


on lunch Washington, D.C. – Members of the U.S. Supreme Court reached a 5-4 decision to go to Pizza Hut for lunch Tuesday aſternoon aſter deliberating the matter for nearly 10 minutes on the steps of the Supreme Court Building moments prior to the decision’s announcement. “Dissenting Justices made valid arguments for voting in favor of Arby’s, citing the sandwich specials currently


running at the establishment,” Chief Justice


John Roberts told a group of


court reporters, who were themselves struggling to reach a decision on the matter. “However, the majority held that Arby’s food is repugnant, inedible trash unsuitable for human consumption, and that no compromise of standards was to be made simply in the interest of economics. A general feeling of “being in the mood for pizza” also weighed heavily on many of the Justices, and perhaps influenced their vote for Pizza Hut.” Te Justices later reconvened on the building’s steps at 5:30 p.m. where they reached an 8-1 decision to hit the Eagle Lounge for cocktails.


Accountant gives birth


to healthy deduction Superior, Wis. – Certified Public Accountant Maria Jennings, 30, gave birth to a healthy male standard deduction late Friday night, her second with husband and fellow CPA Paul Jennings. “We’re overjoyed,” said Paul Jennings, as the 31-year-old began to tear up, “It’s just such a blessing to be given another write-off during such a tough economy.” Te deduction weighed nine pounds four ounces and is expected to save the family at least $125,000 on the


couple’s joint tax filings over the next 18 years. Te Jennings said they decided to have a second deduction last April when simultaneous job promotions and subsequent salary increases pushed the family into a higher tax bracket.


Head shop’s prices,


employees high Ann Arbor, Mich. – Employees of Ann Arbor’s Token Stuff admitted that prices for the head shop’s merchandise are high in direct relation to the highness of the staff. Skip Griffin, owner and consummate doper, smiled and shrugged in an interview Monday: “Our employees are required to gain firsthand knowledge of our products during their training, which hikes up our costs. Tis shit ain’t cheap, you know.” Griffin then grabbed an iridescent water bong seemingly at


random from a display shelf and


adjusted the price from $24.99 to $29.99. “Dude, it’s a great place to work,” said eight-year employee Jimmy Williams, pausing to drink deeply from his Big Gulp as a means for counteracting his cottonmouth. “People come to Token Stuff for the vibe, man. Nobody cares that rolling papers are twice as expensive here. And so what if they do care? We don’t.”


Above: Kendall (leſt) parties with client Jeremy Buckler, the night before the two were to appear in court to defend Buckler on DUI and drug trafficking charges.


gotten a parking ticket let alone evaded and eluded police at four in the morning before blowing twice the legal [blood- alcohol level] limit. That’s what’s so cool about Jarrod: he’s been there. He knows what it’s like.


“And he can shotgun a can of beer in under eleven seconds,” Buckler added. Like most of Kendall’s clients, Buckler is astonished by Kendall’s uncanny ability to balance such a wild private life with his high-pressure legal career. “It’s hard to believe a hardcore partier like Jarrod can even hold down a job,


let alone be one of the most sought- after attorneys in town,” said Buckler, who was briefly hospitalized for alcohol poisoning following a consultation with Kendall Wednesday night. “It’s a rare breed of human who can drink and party every night of the week and still be sharp enough the next morning to talk a judge out of locking up his client. He’ll go from partying like a Hell’s Angel on acid to being a smart, uncompromising legal eagle in a matter of hours. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see him someday make judge.”


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