BUSINESS
FedEx and Ex-Lax battle for rights to promotional slogan Court to decide ownership of catchphrase: “Keep Your Shit Moving”
Webster’s Dictionary definition of one of the slogan’s key words. “[Webster’s] defines ‘shit’ firstly as a
noun denoting bodily excrement,” said Ex-Lax attorney Jean Primon on a recent airing of Te Larry King Show. “FedEx’s usage of the word ‘shit’ – as slang for possessions, equipment and mementos – is listed eighth. Eighth. Unless FedEx can convince Webster’s to rearrange the definition’s sense order, we’re confident the court will deny FedEx rights to the slogan, as Ex-Lax’s ads are using ‘shit’ in a manner representative of the word’s most popular application.” While both companies’ deep-pocketed
advertising campaigns are built on the slogan’s powerful message and catchy each
syntax, campaign Above: A print sample of FedEx’s $18 million advertising campaign.
Memphis, Tenn. – Aſter weeks of failed negotiations with FedEx Corporation, officials at Ex-Lax manufacturer Novartis announced Friday that the company is suing FedEx to cease and desist usage of the promotional slogan “Keep Your Shit Moving,” an internationally marketed catchphrase currently being employed by both companies. Independently conceived by FedEx and
Ex-Lax marketing teams, the slogan was cast as the focal point for each company’s latest advertisement campaign, both of which coincidentally launched Feb. 1. “Our position is resolute,” said Ex-Lax
spokesman Ted Lundengard, addressing reporters outside a Memphis courthouse early Friday morning.” “When it comes to the swiſt, timely moving of shit, consumers automatically think ‘Ex-Lax.’
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By continuing to use the ‘Keep Your Shit Moving’ slogan, FedEx is confusing the consumer purchasing instincts Ex-Lax has for so long worked to cultivate.” FedEx, a global shipping company in no
way related to human bowel regularity, said that while the simultaneous release of
the exactly matching slogans is
indeed unfortunate, the company has no intention of pulling its advertisements just to appease the laxative manufacturer. “We have just as much right
to use
the slogan as Ex-Lax does,” said T. Michael Glenn, Executive Vice President of Market Development for FedEx Corporation. “[Ex-Lax] trying to secure sole rights [to the slogan] is as ridiculous as it is illegal.” Attorneys for Ex-Lax said the strength of the lawsuit relies heavily on the
differs greatly in the visual and auditory
tone
attached to each conception. “Our ads speak
in order to emphasize its service’s importance. Radio and television spots depict a business owner struggling to meet inventory supply orders – frantically working the phones, the slightly obese workaholic only occasionally interrupts his work to motivate workers, shouting, “We’ve got to keep this shit moving!” along with a series of other inspirational taglines characterized by mild vulgarity. “Te commercial speaks to anyone who’s
ever been in a hurry,” said Smith, who agrees with market research indicating that foul language inevitably sidles high- pressure work environments. Conversely, Ex-Lax’s ad strategy
Attorneys for Ex-Lax said the strength of the lawsuit
directly to the problem without sugarcoating it: ‘your shit needs to get where it needs to get, now,’” said FexEd CEO Frederick W. Smith, pointing to a print ad mock-up incorporating simple block letters and a white background. “We keep it simple and straight. ‘Keep Your Shit Moving.’ Tat slogan completely embodies the spirit of FedEx, a company determined to getting your shit where it needs to be faster than any other freight shipping company in the world.” FedEx’s $18 million no-nonsense
campaign strategy strives to recreate the feel of a fast-paced work environment
relies heavily on the Webster’s Dictionary definition of one of the slogan’s key words.
incorporates a more elegant approach; radio and television ads narrated by a soothing female voice encourage consumers to cir c um v en t c on s t ip a t i on by using the co m p a n y’ s product. “When nature tries to slow you down,”
the commercial reads, “Keep your shit moving.” Tough now relying on a court
decision, FedEx officials confirmed that the company at one point considered complying with Ex-Lax’s request to change its campaign’s all-important slogan. “We toyed around with some other
slogans,” said Smith. “We had a couple others
that were pretty good. ‘FedEx:
Faster Tan Fuck’ was our second-choice, but test-markets indicated an objection to the F’s alliteration.”
Designed to slice, not stab. Extract the razor blade from a standard throwaway shaving razor. Use the razor to cut a slot in the end of an empty pen or mechanical pencil, then slide the razor into the slot, making sure to achieve a snug fit. Wrap string through and around for stability.
page 68
A penal system legend. Have an ally from metal shop pound you out a hunk of metal, then spend your evenings shaping and sharpening a blade by rubbing the metal against the wall of your cell. Crude, yes, but effective.
Borrow a spring from your prison bed, straighten out and sharpen one end and leave the coil to act as a handle. Tis baby penetrates deep – like Don Juan – and can go in and out of an enemy many times before the assailant is shot by guards.
Tis shiv is worn bristles-up in the front shirt pocket to allow quick access. Just rub the non-bristled end of a standard toothbrush against a wall
to hone a
sharp point. Sure, it takes a while, but you’ve got the time, haven’t you?
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