WORLDWIDE HEADLINES
Band’s tracks previously unreleased
for good reason Hollywood, Calif. – Fans of the legendary influential
grunge band Nirvana
gathered at a Hollywood Tower Records store shortly before midnight Monday night to be the first to hear and buy Lost, a new collection of previously unreleased Nirvana tracks that fans and critics alike agree had remained previously unreleased for good reason. “Wow, these songs suck,” critiqued fan Keith Larson upon hearing the five-song EP, which consists of songs recorded over the phone by former drummer Aaron Burkhart during a call from a drunken Kurt Cobain in 1986, when the band was still named Skid Row. “No wonder these songs were never released – they’re fucking terrible. Hearing this, it’s hard to believe [the band] ever got a record deal in the first place. [Cobain’s wife] Courtney [Love] must be hurting for cash to let this crap see the light of day. Kurt must be rolling over in his grave.”
Zombie’s phone
line undead Buffalo, N.Y. – Executives at the national telecommunications juggernaut AT&T expressed concern, confusion and a
AT-AT from page 9
demonstrators condemned hunters for their eagerness to systematically wipe out the state’s Imperial assault vehicle population in the name of sport. “We stand opposed to the senseless
slaughter of any Imperial ground force,” PETIF organizer
Ira Ottenwess told
reporters. “Not only is the brutal murder of AT-AT Walkers barbaric, these actions
“We stand opposed to the senseless slaughter of any Imperial ground force,” Ottenwess told reporters.
threaten to disrupt the delicate balance in nature between Imperial and New Republic forces. Tese hunters – who are they to play God?” Te Department of Natural Resources
began permitting the recreational, licensed hunting of All Terrain Armored Transport (AT-AT) Walkers by rifle and bow in 1990. Tat same year, the hunting of All Terrain Scout Transport (AT-ST) Walkers also became permitted during season for hunters possessing a small game license. Ottenwess said that the Supreme Court’s
recent upholding of hunter harassment laws has made it difficult for protesters to impede the annual mass-butchery of one of the Imperial’s most vital military land units. “We’re basically powerless to stop
someone who’s bent on having a mounted AT-AT head hanging on his page 10
wall,” said Ottenwess, 34. “By law, we’re prohibited from standing in a hunter’s line of fire. Nor can we attempt to scare the AT-ATs away from a hunter’s feed pile by, say, firing a couple of turret- mounted ion cannon blasts across their bow. Essentially, we can’t do anything that directly interferes with the taking of game. “Our only hope is that
we can appeal to hunters’ sense of humanity before they even enter the woods,” said Ottenwess, opening a copy of Monday’s Detroit
Free
Press to a full-page anti- hunting advertisement paid for by PETIF. Te ad depicts a small group of AT-AT Walkers peacefully mingling in a forest clearing. Written in large block letters atop the photograph is the phrase, “What did they ever do to you?” along with harsh statistics illustrating
the decline
Walling, who currently holds the state record for the 46-meter-tall, 10,000-pound AT-AT he bagged in 1999. “Letting wild Imperial [forces] go undisturbed would give rise to an unhealthy overpopulation, not to mention the inevitable destruction of the Rebel base.” Heavy metal rocker and
noted hunting enthusiast Ted Nugent also publicly challenged PETIF’s efforts to encourage the DNR to revoke the licensed hunting of AT- ATs and AT-STs. “Tese People for the
in population of wild Imperial Transports over the last decade. PETIF’s message, however, seems widely lost among the hunters determined to
Te more agile Imperial AT-ST Walkers (above) are legal for licensed hunting during small game season.
bag a record AT-AT. “Not only is hunting AT-ATs our legal right, it’s our duty,” said hunter Ted
Enriched Treatment of whatever or whoever they are have no idea how amazing it feels to put food on the table using your primal hunting instincts,” said Nugent. “Hunting is natural. We do it, the animals do it, insects do it. We’re all bound together by this common thread; it makes us who we are. Hunters, you know what
I’m talking about. May the Force be with you.”
thorough lack of practical resolutions to the perpetually undead phone line reported by the Jones’s, a related horde of zombies who – aſter having ordered phone service through AT&T more than a month ago – have yet to find their line either dead or live. “Te entire family – or pack, or horde, or whatever – is undead, which makes them a slightly different clientele to work with, but that really shouldn’t matter. Still, every single reading on my instruments prove the line is either live or dead depending on how it’s connected, until one of them picks it up,” said Brian Paisley, an AT&T service technician who has been to the zombies’ estate 15 times during the last 38 days in an attempt
to connect them to the
live network of telephone and internet. Added Paisley: “Tis may just be an instance of technology needing to catch up with folklore. Or whatever. I’m getting out of here in case somebody from the office shows up to try to fix the whole situation with a hammer and a bag full of wooden stakes.”
Ultimate Fighter also
ultimate asshole Chicago, Ill. – Producers of the reality television show Te Ultimate Fighter 2 told reporters Wednesday that Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC)
middleweight contender Chris “Te Red Terror” Leben has been repeatedly referred to as “the ultimate asshole” by both cast and crew members during taping of the show’s second season. “Most of these fighters are every bit as cocky and rude as they appear on the show, but Chris is in a league of his own – sort of an asshole among assholes, if you will,” said cameraman Kenny Landers, who contends that Leben constantly yells at him for being “all up in [his] face.” “I try to keep in mind that it’s probably just the steroids talking, because it’s hard to believe anybody could be that much of a prick all of the time.”
Casino comps ruined gambler length of
rope, chair Las Vegas, Nev. – Having already been furnished with a complementary suite and breakfast voucher, David Arbor, a Detroit bank manager who lost over a million dollars of money borrowed illegally from his place of employment gambling at Caesar’s Palace Saturday night, was offered a complementary length of rope, a chair, and instructions for tying a noose by casino host Alex Peterson immediately following his monumental loss. “I had told the blackjack dealer that this was it for me – either I was going to
win big or I was going to be ruined,” said Arbor, wiping tears from his eyes before ordering another whiskey sour from the casino bar and accepting Peterson’s offer. Peterson explained: “Providing for a guest’s every need – in this case, a means of self-induced euthanasia – is part of being a great casino host.”
Man being shot at diagnosed with
nervous condition San Diego, Calif. – Ian Norman Drake, a 37-year-old accountant with no previous history of mental illness, was diagnosed as having a serious nervous condition by physicians who evaluated Drake while he was being shot at by an unknown gunman Friday
aſternoon. “Someone
please help me! Tere’s someone trying to kill me, for Christ’s sake!” screamed Drake, dodging bullets as three doctors with clipboards observed their patient through a one-way mirror from inside a soundproofed room. “Talk about having a serious case of the nerves,” said Dr. Jorge Montgomery. “I think our patient needs a vacation or something. He’s incredibly tense.” Montgomery and his colleagues suggested that Drake begin taking medication for his nervous condition as soon as possible, or convince people to stop shooting at him.
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72 |
Page 73 |
Page 74 |
Page 75 |
Page 76 |
Page 77 |
Page 78 |
Page 79 |
Page 80 |
Page 81 |
Page 82 |
Page 83 |
Page 84 |
Page 85 |
Page 86 |
Page 87 |
Page 88 |
Page 89 |
Page 90 |
Page 91 |
Page 92 |
Page 93 |
Page 94 |
Page 95 |
Page 96 |
Page 97 |
Page 98 |
Page 99 |
Page 100 |
Page 101 |
Page 102 |
Page 103 |
Page 104 |
Page 105 |
Page 106 |
Page 107 |
Page 108 |
Page 109