WORLDWIDE HEADLINES


Acronyms give greater credibility,


reports FFLS Toledo, Ohio – A new study from FFLS suggests that companies and organiza- tions


that use acronyms to represent


themselves when publishing reports are taken more seriously and given more credibility. FFLS cites various reports and resources, such as FBND and Te ERH- KCN standard, as supporting evidence of the ACR effect. TRNB refutes the FFLS findings, claiming credibility stems from only the SPKR of an organization and not the ACR effect. In the past, previous re- search has shown that acronyms at least lead to a greater credibility of the TBN standard, but that does not conclusively show a relationship to the ACR effect.


Pastry shop explosion leaves six city blocks


delicious Concord, Mass. – A ruptured gas line was blamed Tuesday in an explosion that leveled a pastry shop, leaving at least six city blocks deliciously covered in sugar- coated flakes and creamy gourmet filling. At least four people known to be inside Tasty’s Pastries bakery during the blast were missing and presumed scrumptious in the hours aſter the disaster. Concord police and fire departments were on the scene within minutes, but given the se-


EDITORIAL


Sometimes you just have to sit down and eat an entire rotisserie chicken


For the most part, life can be almost ex- cruciatingly monotonous most of the


the desire to escape the workaday routine can get pretty overwhelming over time. Tat’s why I firmly believe that some- times you just have to sit down and eat an entire rotisserie chicken. When I was younger,


such, and then eating the entire main course along with helpings of the side- dishes. No, I’m talking about ingesting


One chair, one chicken, one


my parents regularly discouraged – in fact, forbade – me from sit- ting down with a freshly cooked chicken and devouring the whole thing in one session. Sure, it was an odd restriction, but then again parents are known to make up some pretty damn weird rules. Of course, now that I’m all grown up


By Jim Brack


time. Every day it’s the same thing: get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, relax for a couple of hours and then go to bed. Even those youngsters who are hell-bent on never settling down usually fall into the routine eventually – and understand- ably so. Aſter all, who in the hell has the energy for spontaneity these days? Still,


page 34


and on my own, I need not worry about anyone compromising my endeavor to eat a two-pound chicken from start to finish. I can and will eat an entire chicken whenever the urge strikes me, which tends to be fairly oſten. Now when I say a person would do well


to sit down and eat an entire rotisserie chicken every so oſten, I’m not talking about whipping up a huge Tanksgiving- style feast with potatoes and stuffing and


fork and a full shaker of salt. Now that’s what I call living.


just a chicken. One chair, one chicken, one fork and a full shaker of salt. Now that’s what I call living. Sure, having variety in your diet is great


for maybe 28 or 29 days out of the month – but letting loose a couple times every month with an all-poultry meal is one of the surest and most cost-effective ways I know for breaking up your daily grind. In practice, following


through with the self-satis- fying and therapeutic mis- sion I’ve outlined here is a lot easier than back in the days when you’d have to stand over the oven with a baster in your hand for half a day cooking the damn thing.


Nowadays, your local supermarket puts out about 50 of these puppies an hour, so you can just swing by and pick one up for five bucks on your way home from work. Oſtentimes I’ll pick up a 12-pack of beer, too – for later. But that indeed is a whole other column for a whole other day. Right now I’m focusing on the chicken. When you add up all of these pros for


semi-regularly consuming a fully-grown bird in under 15 minutes, the argument will no doubt seem convincing. How- ever, if you’re still at odds with yourself regarding the wisdom of the undertak- ing, I suggest you just bite the bullet and give it a try once. It can’t kill you. And I think you’ll see how rewarding it is to look down at that pile of bones and skin and know that, whatever else happened


You’ll see how rewarding it is to look down


at that pile of bones and skin and know that, whatever else happened or happens to you today, you’ve eaten an entire chicken.


or happens to you today, you’ve eaten an entire chicken.


verity of the explosion, anticipate those inside will be frosted beyond recogni- tion. Pedestrians walking nearby recall seeing what could only be described as a loud and intense flavor explosion. Of- ficials have begun searching the site, but hold little optimism for finding any sur- vivors. “My only hope is that we be able to identify my employees.” said Gerry Robertson, owner of Tasty’s Pastries, who guesses the recovery search will uncover a greater-than-usual amount of crème brûlée.


Poorly worded U.N. resolution inadvertently sends


more AIDS to Africa New York, N.Y. – An unfortunately draſt- ed U.N. resolution passed late last month has pledged an additional 15 billion cases of AIDS to Africa, making the epidemic even more perilous on a continent al- ready ripe with suffering. Aſter meeting with African leaders, UNAIDS, the Joint United Nations Program on HIV/AIDS, recommended to the U.N. General As- sembly an increase in aid to Africa by $15 billion a year for the next 25 years by 2015 to mitigate the impact of the epidemic. Unfortunately, in a gaffe that has officials of the international organi- zation smacking their foreheads, a series of typographical errors on the part of the draſters means the resolution will afflict


an additional 15 billion humans with the virus that causes AIDS over the next 25 years, causing much greater suffering from the disease on the continent. “Obvi- ously, this is not what we had in mind,” said Michel Sidibe, executive director of UNAIDS. “We will have a longer fight ahead of us now.” UNAIDS is now call- ing upon the U.N. to pledge an increase of more than $30 billion a year to com- bat the even greater damage that will be caused by the erroneous resolution.


Serial killer keeps victim’s head on a


swivel Brooklyn, N.Y. – James Lee Brant, an as- of-yet uncaught serial killer accused of at least five murders in New York City over the past three months, is reported to be an extremely aware, cautious and vigilant killer known for keeping his victims’ heads on a swivel aſter behead- ing them with a hacksaw, authorities said Tursday. “When you’re on the run from the law, it’s important to keep your head on a swivel – always remaining aware of your surroundings and noting any pres- ent threats. Evidence suggests that Brant takes this concept to the next level, as several of his alleged victims have been found with their disembodied heads at- tached to swivels,” said Detective David Holmes, an NYPD authority assigned to the case. “Living in New York during such dangerous times, there’s nothing


wrong with insisting your acquaintances keep their heads on a swivel, but this is going too far.”


Band you’ve never heard of announces


reunion tour San Francisco, Calif. – Broken Mir- rorball, a little-known San Francisco Bay-area band you’ve never even heard of, announced plans for a reunion tour this week. “Aſter twelve years apart, we figured it was time to put our differ- ences aside and hit the road,” noted Neil Campanelli, the band’s frontman, whose name may seem vaguely familiar, but rest assured, you’re thinking of someone else. Te never-signed three-piece, influenced by Alice In Chains, Pantera and several other bands you have actually heard of, claimed the decision to tour again was, above all, a selfless one. Said bassist Der- ek Gorman: “We owe this to our fan base. Tey’ve been waiting a really long time to see us back together.” Sources close to the band confirmed that the “fan base” refer- enced by Gorman consists of a handful of old community college acquaintances and four former girlfriends, all of whom lost touch with the band in the late 1990s. Te reunion tour will see the trio per- forming their derivative brand of forget- table guitar rock in several towns you’ve never heard of, including Randsburg, Lytle Creek, and Fields Landing.


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40  |  Page 41  |  Page 42  |  Page 43  |  Page 44  |  Page 45  |  Page 46  |  Page 47  |  Page 48  |  Page 49  |  Page 50  |  Page 51  |  Page 52  |  Page 53  |  Page 54  |  Page 55  |  Page 56  |  Page 57  |  Page 58  |  Page 59  |  Page 60  |  Page 61  |  Page 62  |  Page 63  |  Page 64  |  Page 65  |  Page 66  |  Page 67  |  Page 68  |  Page 69  |  Page 70  |  Page 71  |  Page 72  |  Page 73  |  Page 74  |  Page 75  |  Page 76  |  Page 77  |  Page 78  |  Page 79  |  Page 80  |  Page 81  |  Page 82  |  Page 83  |  Page 84  |  Page 85  |  Page 86  |  Page 87  |  Page 88  |  Page 89  |  Page 90  |  Page 91  |  Page 92  |  Page 93  |  Page 94  |  Page 95  |  Page 96  |  Page 97  |  Page 98  |  Page 99  |  Page 100  |  Page 101  |  Page 102  |  Page 103  |  Page 104  |  Page 105  |  Page 106  |  Page 107  |  Page 108  |  Page 109