RECOILMAG.COM
NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil
Dad endorses plan to leave church aſter
Mexican ice cream vendor eerily combs neighborhood
communion Richmond, Va. – Midway through Reverend Gregory’s Sunday morning sermon, churchgoer David Allen endorsed his son’s suggestion that the family leave church after receiving communion, sources said. “David thinks maybe we should excuse ourselves from the service right after communion so we can beat the traffic,” Allen whispered to his wife, Jody. “Normally I would never get behind such a plan, but there are an awfully lot of people [parked] here today, so maybe it’s not such a bad idea. On our way back from the altar we could just keep walking right out the door. Nobody will even notice.” Jody Allen, in keeping with her longstanding opposition to the early vacating of church, quickly vetoed the proposal and warned of stern consequences should the two attempt to advance the issue at a later time.
Lost found
quikSTAT How are we reducing our fuel expense?
• Quitting job; replaying Gears of War III • Finally using backyard catapult • Riding lawnmower to work • Levitation lessons • Siphoning, regurgitating neighbor’s car’s gas • Only stealing cars that have full tanks • Making Johns shut off car during hummers • Driving downhill, taking bus uphill • Running engine in closed garage, mulling options
• Replacing burning moat of gasoline around house with alligators and pointy sticks • Sailing, sailing away
Suburban family
sometimes recycles Kankakee, Ill. – The Max and Kris Oliver household occasionally does its fair share to save the environment, son Justin reported Friday. In addition to sometime purchasing pump-spray products instead of Ozone-damaging aerosol cans, the family purchased recycling bins years ago and once in a while fills them with newspapers and used plastic containers. “Half the time Mom just throws the newspapers in the trash, though,” Justin told reporters, “and she says the milk jugs are bacteria-laden, so she usually tosses those out, too.”
Area man to throw life away over broad
Raleigh, N.C. – Friends of resident Allen Buteyin confirmed Sunday that the 23-year-old engineering technician seems intent on throwing his life away in order to satisfy the growing demands of his relationship with girlfriend Sheila Coeling. “I wish I could figure
out why Allen’s so bent on throwing it all away over this broad,” said friend Jeff Letchner following Buteyin’s recent announcement that he and Coeling will begin living together in early November. “It was bad enough
Letchner: “Now he’s
moving in with her. Well, I guess that should just about do it for the poor bastard – it was nice knowing him.”
when he told me he had to quit our bowling league two months ago because Friday is the only night Sheila doesn’t work and she wants him to spend them with her. Now he’s moving in with her. Well, I guess that should just about do it for the miserable bastard – it was nice knowing him.” According to Letchner,
Buteyin began “totally flushing his life down
the toilet” shortly after he began dating Coeling, 24, approximately eight months ago.
see BROAD page 76 Above: Letchner (leſt) tries to convince Buteyin to get off the phone with the broad. page 73
Above: Werner, 29, was found dead in his home wearing a Xanax® promotional t-shirt and Paxil® visor. Inset: Te Zoloſt pen Werner used to express his final thoughts.
Suicide note written using free Zoloſt® promotional pen
San Francisco, Calif. – Authorities
investigating the recent suicide of telemarketing company account manager Chris Werner confirmed Thursday that the dark, self-hating suicide note apparently penned by Werner only moments before the 29-year- old took his own life Wednesday was written using a Zoloft® promotional pen. “Lab technicians
the FDA as to whether or not the pills work like they’re supposed to, it looks like their pens work just fine.” Zoloft® – a heavily prescribed selective-
“At his time of death he
was also wearing a Xanax® t-shirt and carrying an
Adderall® keychain,” said Thompson.
have determined that the utensil used to convey Werner’s final thoughts was a promotional pen he reportedly received as a complimentary gift through his doctor from the Pfizer corporation for his years of dedicated use of their anti-depression product Zoloft®,” said police chief Gavin Thompson. “So even though the jury may still be out at
serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) Sertraline – is among the most popular a n t idep r es s a n ts currently prescribed for OCD and depression with anxiety, the latter of which Werner was reported to have
been suffering from for more than seven years. According to Werner’s recently released medical records, the Los Angeles transplant had been prescribed increasingly higher dosages of Zoloft® in an attempt to curb the suicidal thoughts that had been mounting since he was first see ZOLOFT page 76
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