WORLDWIDE HEADLINES Married gymnasts experiment with


missionary position Norman, Ohio – For the first time in the couple’s three-year relationship, married Olympic gymnasts Bart Conner and Nadia Comaneci shared conjugal relations using the missionary position for the first time Friday night. “I think it’s a sign that we’re really starting to get comfortable with each other, sexually,” said the diminutive Conner, who is best known for his gold medal performance on the parallel bars at the 1996 Olympics. “Our bodies’ superior balance, stamina and flexibility had before encouraged only wildly dynamic multi-positional sex, but now we are learning how to drop our inhibitions and be able to look each other in the eyes during intercourse, and even kiss.”


New mustache makes cop seem like even


bigger prick Indianapolis, Ind. – Officer Terry Scott of the Marion County Sheriff Department looks like an even bigger, more arrogant prick since growing a thick mustache


EDITORIAL My biggest weakness as an employee? Probably my immense laziness


What do I feel is my biggest weakness as an employee? Um, hmm, let me think for a second here. Boy, that’s a tough one, isn’t it? My


biggest weakness, let’s see. Just one right? Well, I suppose if I had to narrow it down to just one character trait that really stands out as my absolute b ig g es t weakness in terms of how I’d perform in a profession


By Dale Reinhout, Applicant


capacity here at Penn Inc., I’d probably have to say it would be my immense laziness. Elaborate? Um, yeah, sure. I guess that’s


what I’m here for right, to tell you what you want to know? I suppose I can’t very well expect you to pick me for the job if I just sit here like a mime and stare at you for fiſteen minutes. Okay, so, my laziness. Well, I guess let


me start by assuring you that when I say I’m lazy, I’m not talking about your run- of-the-mill, not-exactly-the-first-guy-to- volunteer-for-the-job-type laziness here. I’m talking about chronic indolence, sloth of staggering proportions. Pretty much, it’s like this: I’m the type of worker that continually slides by doing the


absolute minimum amount of work I can get away with without getting fired. No, my laziness isn’t an every-so-oſten


type of thing, I’m pretty much lazy all the time. Actually, let me clarify: I’m lazy all the time I’m at work. Over the years I’ve found that if


I’m lazy


Promise you that I’ll work on my laziness?


enough at work, I can conserve so much energy that when I get home from work I’m generally able to be quite active. Promise you that I’ll work on my


laziness? Truthfully, I don’t know if my laziness could get any more


refined.


I mean, right now I can pretty much guarantee with a good deal of certainty that within no time my coworkers would come to know me as the person not to go to when they need a hand, an opinion, some advice or any other sort of help that requires me to stop daydreaming and concentrate on something work-related for ten seconds. Other weaknesses you should be aware


of? Oh boy, where do I start? Well, I have an extremely short temper – especially when it comes to bosses that like to bark orders at me or ride me really hard or demand that I be on time. Tat sort of thing. I also tend to steal a lot of stuff. No,


not kleptomania, per say – let’s just say that a fair share of office supplies from


Truthfully, I don’t know if my laziness could get any more refined.


work like pens and staplers and printers and laptops and stuff tend to end up at my house. Well, that’s unless I’ve already im p lem en t e d some sort of emb e z zl eme nt scheme


and


don’t want to risk drawing any attention to myself by liſting items I’d easily be able to


pay for with the cash I’m skimming from the company.


BALLS from page 17


got to the planetarium. I was tweaking so hard I thought that big red dot on Saturn was going to eat me alive. Fuck.”


“I told those guys not to


drop more than two [doses] or they’d trip their balls so


far off they might never find them again,” said Millon.


In addition to providing the means


with which Gatske’s balls were tripped, Millon, 20, also aided in the tripping off of the balls belonging to roommate Keith Broder and acquaintance Noah Cloutier. “I told those guys not to drop more


than two [doses] or they’d trip their balls so far off they might never find them again,” said Millon, who sold Broder


and Cloutier five hits of LSD that he had obtained a week previous from an unnamed source. “Shit this powerful you’ve got to be a little careful with or you might fry and spend the rest of your life telling people you’re a carrot.” Broder and Cloutier both commented


on the fervor with which their respective balls had been tripped. “Tat paper Howard sold us was unreal,”


Broder told Cloutier, who nodded in agreement. “I haven’t tripped my balls off like that since [high school classmate Chris] Brenner gave us those shrooms before [graduation] commencements. Man, that was a wild ride. I remember I just about lost it when I went up to get my diploma and [principal Tomas] Cook’s face started melting. Tat I’ll never forget.”


page 19 I’ve been told by previous employers


that the sexual harassment lawsuits that are constantly being filed against the company because of me can be a bit of a hassle as well. You’re in the human resources department, so you’d probably know: are the female employees here at Penn Inc. generally pretty willing to swing or are they usually all uptight about being hit on at work? Because no matter how lazy at work I can and will be, I usually have no trouble making time to mack on the hotties, if you know what I’m saying.


last month, sources reported Tuesday. “Terry has always worn the reflective sunglasses and walked like he’s got a stick up his butt, but adding that god- awful mustache has really taken his ‘I’m a total prick’ look to a new level,” said fellow policeman Kyle Runyen. Scott, 37, also liſts weights daily, has sported a sharp brush-cut since joining the force in 2001 and has announced his intention to begin smoking cheap cigars by the end of winter.


Inexperienced embezzler


microwaves books Kissimee, Fla. – Confused Wells Fargo Bank teller Gary Langlois failed to misappropriate company funds in his favor


last week when the 22-year-old


placed several of the bank’s accounting ledgers into the break room microwave in an attempt to “cook the books,” bank officials reported Tursday. “Gary must have heard that phrase used in a movie or something, and just didn’t think through the logistics of his actions,” said Wells Fargo spokesman Abe Hess. “Instead of carefully manipulating payroll or benefit funds, he microwaved useless hardcopies of account files.” Hess said Langlois will


remain in the bank’s employ despite the incident, indicating that bank executives believe Langlois is “probably too dumb to steal.”


Drummer neighbor


going at it again Gary, Ind. – Area homeowner Lyle Leonard told sources that the drummer living nextdoor to the 43-year-old’s suburban residence was going at it again between 8 and 10 p.m. Friday night. “I can’t believe he’s going at it again,” yelled an unnerved Leonard, who was enjoying an evening of television with his family before “that godforsaken noise” began. “Is that man insane? Has he no regard for his neighbors?” Leonard later vowed to begin running his leaf blower at 6 a.m. Saturday morning, adding that it would be different if the guy had a full band and was playing some decent music.


Encore forced upon


audience Jacksonville, N.C. – Minutes aſter finally completing their last set of cover songs at Bogart’s nightclub early Saturday morning, house band First Snowfall forced an encore song upon an indifferent


crowd of approximately 40, sources said. “You guys aren’t ready to go home yet, are ya?” posed singer Sony Rede, failing to elicit a decisive reaction from the audience. “We’re gonna give y’all one more tonight. Tis one’s a First Snowfall original.” Bogart’s patrons, determined to finish their drinks, endured the five- minute


blues-based number before


offering a smattering of applause and continuing their attempts to hustle members of the opposite sex.


All teen’s sexual encounters qualify


as quickies Orlando, Fla. – Sources close to magazine editor Neil Chapp told reporters Wednesday that every one of the single 18-year-old’s sexual encounters could technically be classified as quickies. “Being with Neil is nice and all, but he’s definitely more of a sprint horse than a stallion, if you know what I mean,” said Cara Brigstock, who has occasionally dated Chapp for six months. “Sometimes when we’re getting ready to go out or whatever, he’ll joke around, asking me if I want to have a quickie before we go. I just laugh to myself and think, ‘No, that’s all right. We’ll just do exactly that tonight.’”


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40  |  Page 41  |  Page 42  |  Page 43  |  Page 44  |  Page 45  |  Page 46  |  Page 47  |  Page 48  |  Page 49  |  Page 50  |  Page 51  |  Page 52  |  Page 53  |  Page 54  |  Page 55  |  Page 56  |  Page 57  |  Page 58  |  Page 59  |  Page 60  |  Page 61  |  Page 62  |  Page 63  |  Page 64  |  Page 65  |  Page 66  |  Page 67  |  Page 68  |  Page 69  |  Page 70  |  Page 71  |  Page 72  |  Page 73  |  Page 74  |  Page 75  |  Page 76  |  Page 77  |  Page 78  |  Page 79  |  Page 80  |  Page 81  |  Page 82  |  Page 83  |  Page 84  |  Page 85  |  Page 86  |  Page 87  |  Page 88  |  Page 89  |  Page 90  |  Page 91  |  Page 92  |  Page 93  |  Page 94  |  Page 95  |  Page 96  |  Page 97  |  Page 98  |  Page 99  |  Page 100  |  Page 101  |  Page 102  |  Page 103  |  Page 104  |  Page 105  |  Page 106  |  Page 107  |  Page 108  |  Page 109