COMMUNITY Area man baffled by friend’s remote control units


DVD player, Blu-Ray player and satellite receiver, Tolan, 30, admitted his initial attempts


to operate the system relied


more on chance than on educated or calculated movements. “Really, I just started pointing [the


remote units] and pressing buttons, hoping to get lucky,” Tolan confirmed. “I tried pressing ‘power’ on each controller and I swear none of them did anything. I got some lights to flash on the [satellite television] receiver, but that’s about it.” Tough failing to turn off the CD


player, Tolan’s barrage of random button pressing did provide power to Peterson’s 29-inch Sony Trinitron, which displayed only a


blank,


screen and the words “MUTE ENABLED.” Fearing


Above: Tolan struggles to comprehend the remote controls to friend Eric Peterman’s entertainment center.


Greenfield, Ill. – Area restaurant manager Greg Tolan experienced complete bafflement Wednesday night while attempting to operate friend Eric Peterman’s entertainment center via the console’s three remote control units. “We were hanging out at Eric’s place


when he ran to the store to get a six-pack; I thought I’d turn off the CD player and maybe cruise channels on the television until he got back,” said Tolan, describing the events leading to his confounding technical encounter. “As soon as I looked


PORN from page 89


imagery infused into sexually explicit rap videos is not a deliberate, boundary- pushing attempt to invoke superfluous media attention upon hip-hop artists, but is merely the resulting product of ever- loosening popular cultural and moral constructs. “Artists such as Akon


“Viewer trends are


indistinguishable from a Cinemax Max Aſter Dark film oſten allows hip- hop artists to express themselves more thoroughly. In retort, Pallus


certainly not the artist’s


fault. It’s not like they can help that pretty much everyone on Earth is a


and T-Pain are simply giving the viewing public exactly what they want to see – the degrading objectification of women in settings such as glorious dance clubs and outlandish swimming pool areas,” said Alexander. “Viewer trends are certainly not the artist’s fault. It’s not like they can help that pretty much everyone on Earth is a perverted sexual deviant who wants to observe as much pelvic thrusting as is humanly possible.” Alexander also contended that the


freedom to shoot such erotic content as to make a music video that’s almost


page 92


perverted sexual deviant who wants to observe as


much pelvic thrusting as is humanly possible.”


stopped short of implying that such content be “censored,” but noted that parents wishing to shield their children from seeing sexually explicit music videos is no longer as simple as utilizing modern television’s


“channel


block” option. “For example, even


though Rihanna’s song ‘S&M’ has been banned from television broadcast in 11 countries for its indecency, I’d bet my nine-year-old son could find it online in about three minutes,” said Pallus. “Granted, youtube.com has deemed the ‘S&M’ video as being ‘inappropriate for viewers under the age of eighteen,’ what is such content management going to except make underage users want to watch it that much more?”


at the three remotes sitting on the coffee table, though, I realized I didn’t have the slightest clue how to operate his system.” Daunted but determined, Tolan


said he attacked the situation by first independently studying each remote, hoping for a course of action to “jump out at [him].” “It seemed like each remote had buttons


corresponding to each unit [of the entertainment center],” Tolan explained. Confronted by multiple controls for Peterson’s television, CD player, VCR,


want to listen to music or watch TV or anything.” Tough initially oblivious to Tolan’s


fumbled attempts at operating the system, Peterson confronted Tolan the following aſternoon aſter


finding his satellite


receiver’s station presets haphazardly reprogrammed and a Matlock marathon recorded over the sole VHS recording of Peterson’s wedding ceremony. “He eventually copped to it,” said


Peterson, a 32-year-old systems analyst. Tough slightly agitated by Tolan’s


behavior, Peterson has scheduled next Friday evening with Tolan to explain the remote control setup, in hopes of


blue Tough failing to turn off the CD player,


embarrassment from his failure to grasp the fundamental concepts of navigating Peterson’s entertainment center, Tolan eventually sought to conceal evidence of his electronic meddling. “I didn’t want Eric to walk in and see


Tolan’s barrage of random button pressing did provide power to Peterson’s 29-inch Sony Trinitron, which displayed only a blank, blue screen and the words “MUTE ENABLED.”


me looking like I didn’t know what I was doing, so I just got up and manually turned off the TV using the console,” said Tolan. “Ten I grabbed his acoustic [guitar] and made it look like I just didn’t


avoiding further incident. “It’s not like [operating the entertainment center] is rocket surgery – the receiver’s remote controls the basics of the whole system,” said Peterson. “You only use the other remotes for special programming, which I don’t see any reason why he’d feel the need to do. Unless he’s dead set on taping over all the important videotaped events of my life.”


recoilmag.com GHOST from page 89


“Tat’s how I knew something was eating at him. I’ve found that Daryl’s spirit is pretty much just as predictable – and as neurotic, apparently – as the real Daryl Riley was, God bless him.” Having visited the Riley home and


claimed to have communicated directly with Daryl’s spirit through séances, Gatrivani, despite having no formal training in either psychoanalysis or the paranormal, has become convinced that Daryl Riley’s spirit is in the throes of a full-fledged aſter-life crisis. “At a certain point during a spirit’s


time in the hereaſter, one oſten becomes obsessively


reflective regarding their


existence in the immaterial realm, and they oſten spend a lot of time dwelling how they might better spend the remainder of their supernatural lives,”


SETLIST from page 91


Dartmouth: “I guess a lot of us felt that even though they make a lot of awful noise with that band of theirs practicing there, at least it keeps them off the streets, gives them something to do other than being out messing around with drugs. Although, at this point, I’ll bet a lot of


us wouldn’t mind so much if they did go hang out in the street and do some drugs, rather than trainwreck their way through [Smash Mouth’s] “All Star” for the umpteenth billion freakin’ time every night. It could be that they actually need some [drugs].”


said Gatrivani. “Spirits like Daryl’s typically spend this period of their aſterlife


reevaluating their priorities.


Perhaps Daryl’s ghost is recognizing the fact that he should be spending more time haunting his family. Or maybe he’s wishing his physical apparition was eternally bound to the outdoors instead of being cooped up haunting the inside of a house. He’s likely getting tired of only being able to play immature little pranks like hiding his wife’s car keys or turning the kitchen sink’s faucet on and off once every other day just to try to feel like he’s not alive.” Gatrivani insisted that through multiple


communications with Daryl Riley, she witnessed firsthand the ghost’s descent from sporadic neurosis to chronic aſter- life crisis.


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