HARRAH’S from page 102


quite possibly be replaced by the thrill and exhilaration of hitting it big on one of the hard ways [playing craps] or hitting a thirty-six-to-one bet at roulette. No doubt, the patient or visitor will feel a whole lot better about their hospital experience if that happens.” According to Loveman, the hospital also


shares other features common to many Harrah’s properties such as an indoor pool and exercise center, mostly used for physical therapy and rehabilitation, plus a buffet-style cafeteria capable of feeding more than 3,000 guests and visitors per day. “Tere’s no reason that a hospital has to


just serve ‘hospital food,’” said Loveman. “Harrah’s Hospital’s buffet features fresh seafood, prime rib and other specialty foods, plus a full salad and dessert bar. Of course, those patients on restricted diets will have to abide by limitations, but for the most part, if you’re staying at Harrah’s Hospital and not being fed through a tube, then rest assured you’re eating as good as any hospital patient can BEAR from page 101


Denver’s suburban areas. “Te stress of two parents working full-


time while also trying to maintain their household oſten causes couples to build up resentments toward one another,” said Knight. “And it certainly doesn’t help that wild bears are capable of opening doors


possibly eat.” According to Loveman, each of Harrah’s


casinos’ guests will now automatically be registered at Harrah’s Hospital, where they will be transferred should they incur an accident or require medical attention during their stay. Loveman said that while guests’ medical insurance will typically cover the cost of their hospital stay, Harrah’s Hospital will also offer payment options that will appeal to the gambling nature of its guests. “We expect our double-or-nothing bill


payment option to be very popular,” said Loveman, referring to the hospital’s policy of letting patients


attempt to


zero-out their account by betting the entire cost of their bill on a single hand of blackjack. “We’ve also made a point of positioning some of our loosest slot machines inside the Intensive Care Unit, so anyone who is looking like they will have an expensive medical bill can start trying to recoup some of that cost right away during their stay.”


that have levers instead of doorknobs, or that mountain lions have learned to enter houses through the flaps of dog doors. Te combination of divorce and coming home to find a bear looting your refrigerator oſten lead right to what we’re seeing here today. I mean, just look at this


MONITORS from page 101


resulting in a long, loud blast of high- pitched feedback erupting from the stage speakers. A temporarily deafened Authier eventually rebuffed Sanders’ demands, telling the singer that the vocal monitor volume was at its limit. “During soundcheck I suggested that


the band’s guitarists and bassist turn down their amplifiers so the singer would be able to hear himself in the monitors,” reasoned Authier, 34. “‘Oh, you can’t hear your vocals in the monitors? Well, maybe – just maybe – that has something to do with your guitarist having his Marshall [amplifier’s] volume set on ten [for] the entire set.’” Authier noted that the relatively small size of the venue dictates that musicians’ amplifiers be set on a lower volume in order for the vocals to be heard clearly in the stage monitors. “Tis isn’t an arena, for Christ’s sake –


turn your damn amps down. Is that so hard to understand?” Authier questioned.


mess of blood and body parts. Tis all–” Knight then suddenly excused himself


before vomiting into the kitchen sink. Colorado Governor Bill Ritter,


concerned about the increasing frequency of these situations, encouraged a two-prong approach to limiting similar


future tragedies. “Couples experiencing problems in


their relationship should try working with an experienced marriage counselor,” said Ritter. “And every citizen in the area should always be carrying a loaded shotgun.”


A page from the Recoil handbook... Writing Your Resume


Securing gainful employment during a weak job market is no mean task. Here are some tips for creating a resume that’s guaranteed to stand out from the rest:


• If you’re seeking full-time employment as a writer or photographer, save yourself some time by throwing your completed resume in the trash.


• Keep in mind that most resumes are scanned these days, so you will need to attach one of your eyes to the resume for the retinal scanner to read.


• A word about choosing your resume format: use a Chronological format if you are staying in the same job field; use a Functional format if you are changing fields; and use a Crank-up-the-Funktional format if your primary skill is performing twenty-minute slap- bass solos.


• Instead of typing your resume, cut words out of magazines and paste them on a sheet like you would a ransom note. Tis shows you are creative and willing to go that extra mile.


• Lengthy, unexplained gaps in your work history will create an aura of mystery around you, arousing intrigue in employers who will no doubt want to interview you and learn more about enigma who’s seeking work.


this human


• Resumes can be impersonal; consider dropping by your prospective employer’s house unannounced for an impromptu interview. Go late at night, so you know someone will be home.


• If you’re lacking job experience, say you worked at companies that nobody would want to call: Sodomy Superstore, Satanic Charitable Missions, Old Navy, etc.


page 104


• List the following as your objective: “To avoid being discriminated against for being a gay minority and the inevitable protracted legal battle that would result.”


• Pay a street thug to “endorse” your resume with a T-ball bat aſter-hours. Hey, you have to spend money to make money.


• When applying for an office job, include your desired office layout and window preference, so it can be ready for you at the time of hire.


• Modern times require additional references from every coworker you’ve had an affair with over the last five years.


• To show your ability to recycle and save money, print your resume on the backs of old flyers you find at the post office, city hall and public entertainment venues.


• If your resume manages to score you an interview, demonstrate your positive attitude towards teamwork by dressing up as a cheerleader for the interview.


Joining Teller and Sanders in the heroic


stance were lead singers from unsigned Austin bands from every genre, although rock and metal singers bore the largest responsibility for getting the message across to area soundmen. “Metal bands always play the loudest,


“Seriously, man – I can’t hear myself at all onstage,”


announced Teller.


and their singers are always bitching about not being able to hear themselves [sing],” said Waltz. “Most of the heavy bands have terrible, terrible singers – so much so that you’d think that


the singer not being


able to hear how awful he sounds would be a good


thing. But instead they blame the ‘shitty monitors’ for their poor performance. I hear it every night: ‘Need more vocal in the monitors. Still need more vocal in the monitors.’ Sometimes I think singers just think they’re almost obligated to say that in between songs because they see everyone else doing it. Fucking babies.”


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