ECONOMY Lower-middle class criminal tired of living forged check to forged check


Chicago, Ill. – “Slick” Willie Barnett, a lifelong resident who’s managed to eke out a meager income as a smalltime street hustler for nearly 20 years, is tired of merely having to live forged check to forged check, the paroled 43-year-old told sources Wednesday. “I’ve been working the street for almost


two decades and I’ve never even been able to put away enough money for a decent vacation, let alone start saving for retirement,” said Barnett, inching back the curtain of his apartment window and covertly scanning the parking lot. “Between the economy and the cost of living in Chicago being what it is these days, I can forge an eight hundred dollar check I stole from some tourist on Monday and by the weekend I’ll barely have enough [money] leſt to tip the strippers at the Crazy Horse. It’s that bad. And this from a guy who doesn’t even pay taxes, mind you.” Barnett, who has never married or had


children, dropped out of high school at the age of 16 to pursue a life of crime – a career Barnett said he fully expected would secure for him a higher standard of living than could be afforded by pursuing a normal, legal vocation. However,


aſter a number of


but it pays the bills,” said Barnett, siſting through the credit cards of a recently acquired wallet. “Or at least it used to pay the bills. Tese days, with the economy in the shitter like it is, it’s hard just finding someone to rob that actually still has a job. Tere’s nothing more frustrating than pickpocketing a guy whose credit cards are already maxed out – which covers just about everybody these days.” In addition to the diminished earning


power brought about by the sluggish economy, Barnett said the high price of gasoline has also made one of his best- paying rackets nearly unprofitable. “It’s almost not even worth it to deal


in stolen cars anymore,” said Barnett, shaking


his head and packing his


SlimJim and hotwiring tools into a box in his closet’s storage area. “It takes at least fiſteen gallons of gas to get a car to the chop shop that I work with in Michigan. At four bucks a gallon, the math just don’t add up no more.” Despite living modestly in a one-


bedroom apartment on Chicago’s south side, Barnett’s expenses are such that he must beg, borrow or steal at least $3,500


failed money-making endeavors – namely, two botched bank robberies and an unsuccessful kidnapping, all of which led to multi-year prison sentences – the thrice- convicted Barnett long ago resigned himself to the less profitable but less risky life of a petty larcenist, working to make ends meet through short-con swindles, pickpocketing, check forgery and other fraud-related crimes. “It’s not a glamorous gig or anything,


EDITORIAL Look at how much I don’t care what you think


Hey, you! Yes, you – the uptight suburbanite wearing the Old Navy sweatshirt, with the immaculately


matter one way or the other to me what a pompous, politically correct, super- conservative consumer pig such as you thinks of my fashion anti-statement. In fact, the whole reason I shaved this weird stripe down the center of my head is to show all of the people like you that I don’t care what anybody thinks. What do you think about that, huh? It’s like, what you see as an inappropriate


or maybe even offensive personal grooming preference, I see as just another physical expression of my rebellious personality. Speaking of seeing, have


By Amy Davis


landscaped lawn, two-point-three children and freshly leased 2013 SUV – what do you think of my mohawk? Shocking, isn’t it? Unnerving, isn’t it? You hate it don’t you? Not


that I care. Frankly, page 70 it doesn’t


not going out and temporarily defacing my body for my health, you know. Tis mohawk – which tomorrow I’m going to dye pink just to further represent moral chaos, insubordination and everything else you hate about today’s ungrateful youth – isn’t going to just grow back in a couple of days, you know; I’m committed to instilling social discomfort among you prissy lemmings for weeks. Well, unless I put a hat on, of course. Can I ask your personal opinion on


you noticed that my nose is double-pierced? Hang on a sec – let me step into some better light. Tere, check it out. Pretty sweet, huh? Double nose rings: how’s that for not caring what anybody thinks? No, seriously, tell me, how is that? Hey! Are you even paying attention? I’m


Are you even paying attention? I’m not going out and


temporarily defacing my body for my health, you know.


something? Do you think I’m getting my point across, that I don’t care what anybody else thinks? Does this mohawk tromp enough on the stiff family and


social values dominating middle America to make me seem a prolific deviant? I sure hope so. Because if this borderline-


obscene haircut doesn’t do it, I can only wonder how far I’ll have to go to prove that I don’t care what anybody thinks. It’s like, what level of non-conformity do I have to reach in order to be recognized as part of the freak crowd? Just tell me what it is – I’ll do it! I suppose I could get my genitals pierced,


but how would that let everybody that I run into know that I don’t care what they think? Tey wouldn’t even be able to see it.


No, I’m pretty sure this mohawk, the


nose rings and my devil-may-care attitude pretty much do the job in signaling my separation from the norm. Maybe I’ll get a tattoo or something like everybody else to further display my individuality and show the world that I don’t care what anybody thinks. Do you think that’s a good idea?


Above: Struggling small-time crook “Slick” Willie Barnett.


live forged check to forged check like I do, you have to cut out such luxuries as dining out, going to the dentist or paying for cable.” Barnett went on to voice other regarding


frustrations


“Tere’s nothing more frustrating than pickpocketing a guy whose credit cards


every month to simply keep his head above water. “Aſter paying rent, buying groceries,


scoring dope and paying off the bookies, there ain’t a whole lot leſt over,” Barnett said, opening a lock box containing his minimal cash reserve, betting slips and other important papers. “When you


his financial


are already maxed out – which covers just about everybody these days,” said Barnett.


position – frustrations not unlike those shared by the millions of legit lower-middle class Americans who live paycheck to paycheck. “It seems like it’s impossible to get


ahead,” Barnett said. “Just when it looks like you’re finally going to get everything paid off and you might be able to stash away a few


bucks, an unexpected expense comes out of nowhere, like bail money or lawyer fees or maybe Blackie from Miami finally tracks you down and threatens to break your legs if you don’t come up with a payment – you know, typical life shit. Ten, bam! You’re right back behind the


eight-ball again – taking back cans for train fare until you can get your hands on your next [forged] check.” Although Barnett as a rule has never


allowed himself to pull more than one job per week for fear of overexposure, his desire to break out of the rut of living forged check to forged check has recently caused him to rethink that guideline. “If this damn economy doesn’t pick up


pretty soon I won’t have much choice but to start looking for a second job to pull every week,” said Barnett. “Te real bitch of it is knowing that I’m partially to blame for this sorry state of affairs, because I actually voted for Bush. I know, I know – I don’t know what I was thinking at the time. I guess I thought for some reason that it might be good for business to have a fellow crook in the White House. Tat didn’t really pan out like I had hoped.”


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