WORLDWIDE HEADLINES
Man has complete conversation with self
on friend’s voicemail Gary, Ind. – Systems Analyst Pete Stevens reeled off a thorough conversation with himself while leaving a message on friend Tim Steep’s home voicemail system early Tursday evening. “Hey, Tim, it’s Pete,” the recorded message said. “[I was] wondering if you were going out tonight. I think I am. Well, actually, probably not. I’ve got to get up early. But then again that Stephanie girl said she was hitting Waldo’s [Tavern] later so maybe I’ll just go for a quick one. Anyway, I guess I’ll talk to you later.” At time of press Steep could not be reached to confirm the intent to return Stevens’ call.
Determined salesman won’t take repeated
stabbing for an answer St. Petersburg, Fla. – Ultra-resilient door-to-door magazine subscription salesman Dale Remington won’t take being repeatedly punctured by the knife of an unwilling potential customer as a final “no” according to a witness who saw the 44-year-old salesman stabbed nearly to death on the porch of Marcus Demetri’s home during an unwanted sales solicitation Monday aſternoon. “At first, [Remington] simply wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer,” said Tom Brantwood, a neighbor of Demetri who viewed both the attempted sale and attempted murder from his next-door garden. “Marcus got so angry that the salesman wouldn’t just go away that he eventually took out his pocketknife and stabbed the guy a couple times.” Brantwood confirmed that, despite quickly losing significant amounts of blood from multiple stab
EDITORIAL We should get really high right before pulling this armed robbery
Tony. Hey, Tony. Tony, open up, man, it’s me. Tony, let me in!!! Jesus, what the hell, man – we were supposed to meet up like an hour ago. What do you mean you fell asleep? How in the world could you fall asleep r i g h t before we do a job? Tere’s no way in hell I could sleep right now, as anxious as I am. Well, shit, I’m here now, so let’s do
By Johnny G.
a quick bump and go do this thing. Tere, that ought to put a spring in your
step, eh? Yeah, that’s all I had leſt. Now hurry up and get dressed so we can get on page 62
the road – we should have been back here counting our take by now. By the way, does that guy in your building still deal coke? Good, because we’ll need some party favors
for celebrating aſter our
score. Can you call and see if he’s around? He is? Sweet. See, things are going right for us already! Actually, dude, how much money do you
have right now? Oh, shit – you’re loaded, man! What do you need to be stealing for? Just kidding, just kidding. Seriously though, the reason I ask is because I’m tapped out and, well, I had an idea on my way over here – and remember, this is just an idea – but I was thinking that maybe we should get really gacked up right before we pull this armed robbery. Yeah? Cool, I thought you might agree. Well what are we waiting for? Get that dude on the phone! Ah, just what the doctor ordered. Tere’s nothing like an eight-ball of blow to get
your blood up right before a job! Shit, I don’t feel nervous at all now. I feel like the king of the world! Supercharged! Unstoppable! Invincible! You know what? Pass me that box
of ammunition. No, I know – I don’t normally load my gun for a small job like this either, but a feeling suddenly came over me just now that I might need to fire a few off tonight for some reason. Better safe than sorry, right?
Tink about it: if you’re acting all calm and
collected and shit, the cashier’s not going to take you seriously.
You ready for another blast? Cool. Hey,
grab me another beer out of the fridge while you’re up. Tanks, man. A toast: to
the perfect crime. Man, we are going to fucking rock tonight! Give me that bag, I’m setting us up a couple of French fries. Let me show you how to do this. Now that, my friends, is a line of cocaine. Go ahead, man: hit that shit! Tis was a really good idea, getting good
and wired before we stick up this joint. Tis way we know for sure that we’re going to be confident, alert and ready for anything. Really, if you think about it, the last thing you’d want to do is go in while you’re totally straight. Tink about it: if you’re acting all calm and collected and shit, the cashier’s not going to take you seriously. Not me, man; I’d much rather be jabbering like a fucking madman and so coked up that I look like I could start shooting up the joint at any second. Tat’s the only way the clerk is going to respect you and do what you want. I can’t believe we were even considering see EDITORIAL page 63
wounds in his abdomen, the three- time Salesman of the Year refused to vacate Demetri’s doorway until the resident agreed to sign up for at least one 12-month subscription to Maxim, Rolling Stone, Boy’s Life or a number of other mainstream periodicals.
Aging scientist discovers, forgets cure
for Alzheimer’s Berkley, Calif. – Dr. Lawrence Clark, a 78-year-old research scientist and Alzheimer’s sufferer, discovered the cure for his memory disorder late Sunday aſternoon before completely forgetting the landmark solution only moments later. Clark, who experiences bouts of dementia, emotional instability and confusion resulting from his condition, retained memory of his breakthrough discovery for nearly three minutes before losing his train of thought, erasing his revolutionary
chalkboard calculations
and playing tic-tac-toe over the remnants of the miracle cure. Sources said Clark then stared blankly at his chalkboard for nearly two hours before attempting to use several small pieces of chalk as suppositories.
Hell half full Hell – Officials announced Sunday
that occupancy of the popular aſterlife destination has reached 50 percent. “Don’t worry, humans, there’s still plenty of room for all of you sinners,” said Satan at a press conference held late Sunday morning. “We’re confident we’ll have enough space to house the eternal souls of you pitiful mortals for at least two more millenniums, possibly three.” Hell officials cite Heaven’s unrealistic applicant requirements, an increased
efficiency in Purgatory’s processing department and the exponentially compounded unwrapping of humanity’s moral fiber as reasons for Hell’s recent rise in tenancy.
Inexperienced stalker adds Jennifer Lopez’ name to Blockbuster
card Hollywood, Calif. – Tirty-three-year-old carpet cleaner and first-time celebrity stalker Larry Golmer has authorized actress/singer Jennifer Lopez to rent videos using his new Blockbuster account, store cashier Jody Walker reported Tuesday. “We were signing [Golmer up for a card] and I asked him if he wanted any other names added to his account,” Walker explained. “He said, ‘Just my girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez. She stays at the house sometimes.’ I was like, ‘Whatever, dude.’” Golmer then rented Angel Eyes and Selena, insisting to Walker that he “is kind of embarrassed to have not yet seen many of [his] girlfriend’s films.”
Man horny again half-hour aſter visiting
Chinese hooker Chapel Hill, N.C. – Only 30 minutes aſter paying a Chinese prostitute to have sex with him, mortgage broker Jason Leeham is already horny again, the 33-year-old reported earlier. “All of a sudden I feel like I need to have sex again,” said Leeham. “And here I just had a Chinese [girl] not half an hour ago. Tat’s so weird. I remember feeling totally satisfied when I was finished, but now I could really go for some more [sex].” Leeham added that although he is indeed horny again he
“[isn’t] really in the mood for [a] Chinese [girl] again. Maybe some Tai [action].”
Sharp, mobile 32-year-old constantly referring to himself as
an old man Arlington, Texas – Despite having full
command over physical faculties, his mental and area construction
supervisor Keith Connelly, 32, repeatedly characterizes himself as an old man when conversing with others, a source close to the sharp-witted, upwardly mobile young man said Tuesday. “Every time Keith gets out of his truck he always groans and says something like, ‘[I’m] getting to be an old man,’” said 67-year-old mason Art McSweeny, Connelly’s oldest employee. “I’m sorry, but anyone who can still physically run if they want to, or has no problem remembering where he parked or controlling his bladder, is not an old man, period. Start wearing diapers again and you can call yourself and old man all you want, Keith.”
Roommate asshole Detroit, Mich. – Two weeks aſter
cosigning a six-month apartment lease with
acquaintance Damion Snyder,
Simon Holden told reporters Tursday he is “ready to bail” on the agreement, on grounds that Snyder is an asshole. “You know how some people just have that asshole quality about them?” a frustrated Holden mused. “Beyond his vast and many character flaws, he also leaves beer cans everywhere and never flushes the toilet. Te other day he dumped his bong water in the fish tank because he was too lazy to walk to the sink. I think I’ve made my case.”
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72 |
Page 73 |
Page 74 |
Page 75 |
Page 76 |
Page 77 |
Page 78 |
Page 79 |
Page 80 |
Page 81 |
Page 82 |
Page 83 |
Page 84 |
Page 85 |
Page 86 |
Page 87 |
Page 88 |
Page 89 |
Page 90 |
Page 91 |
Page 92 |
Page 93 |
Page 94 |
Page 95 |
Page 96 |
Page 97 |
Page 98 |
Page 99 |
Page 100 |
Page 101 |
Page 102 |
Page 103 |
Page 104 |
Page 105 |
Page 106 |
Page 107 |
Page 108 |
Page 109