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NEWS SATIRE YOU CAN TRUST recoil
Report: pre-natal form of Ritalin® reduces hyperactivity in fetuses at
Washington, D.C. – Results of a recent study conducted by researchers
Georgetown University suggest that the use
of Pritalin®,
a version of the ADHD drug Ritalin® specially formulated for second- and third- trimester fetuses, can significantly reduce symptoms of in-the-womb hyperactivity in unborn children. “Our research shows that the daily use of
“My little sunshine hasn’t
kicked in months, ever since I started taking Pritalin®,” said Dault, smiling as she rubbed her stomach with both hands.
Pritalin® by an expectant mother can have dramatic results in calming the behavior of an unborn child who is fidgeting and fussing around and whatnot in the womb
– a period during which the fetus should instead remain mostly docile as it focuses one hundred percent on its physical development,” said Dr. John H. Ryan, lead researcher on the study. Engineered and
manufactured by Novartis, the same pharmaceutical company
that
developed the miracle breakthrough drug methylphenidate (known by the brand name Ritalin®), Pritalin® is designed to be ingested in pill form once daily by women who have been pregnant for more than three months and have see FETUSES page 60
Above: Te Grammy-winning metal band’s songs are no longer being referred to as “Mandatory Metallica” when introduced on the radio.
Metallica no longer mandatory
Washington, D.C. – Hundreds of thousands of U.S. radio listeners voiced a sigh of relief Friday aſter FCC regulators announced that modern rock stations are no longer allowed to air daily “Mandatory Metallica” song blocks – a practice that’s been religiously employed by program directors nationwide since the mid-90s. “Considering the
abhorrent quality and declining value of Metallica’s last four releases, it is the FCC’s decision that the band’s music can no longer be considered ‘mandatory’ under even the loosest of mainstream radio standards,” said FCC spokesperson Fredrick Moore. “Terefore, stations are heretofore disallowed from the daily airing of
three or more of the band’s
songs in a row as part of a ‘Muh-Muh- Muh-Mandatory Metallica’ segment, as it is typically called.” Mandatory Metallica – the catchy
Above: An ultrasound image of a fetus on Pritalin®.
alliterative moniker for three- to six- song radio segments that draw from Metallica’s extensive catalog of radio singles – became widespread among
Tird-grader announces list of classmateswhoswear
Athens, Ga. – Benson Elementary third- grade student Lisa Neumann announced a comprehensive list detailing the first and last names of classmates who swear, sources confirmed Sunday. “Billy Augton says the
the ‘H’ word all
in no way encouraged their daughter’s verbal disclosure of the behavior of her foul-mouthed classmates, and in fact sought to convince the child to abruptly
time,” stated a focused, unwavering Neumann from the backseat of her parents’ Ford Astrovan as the family returned home from church services late Sunday morning. “And Joey Griffin and Todd Lent say it too, like, constantly.” Surprised by Neumann’s unprompted
Above: Grade school student Lisa Neumann.
revelation, the youth’s parents, Cyndi and Damon Neumann, later claimed they
“Billy Augton says the ‘H’ word all the time,” stated a focused, unwavering Neumann from the backseat of her parents’ Ford Astrovan.
end her unrehearsed statement. “I think I said something like, ‘Is that
right? You know, you should never say that word. Tat’s for grownups,’” said Neumann’s mother, recalling her reaction to the child’s impromptu dissertation. “I see LIST page 59
modern rock stations when the band’s 1991 multi-platinum self-titled album culminated in mainstream success for a band that had previously toiled for over a decade in the underground metal scene. Te FCC’s decision to outlaw Mandatory
“Tis annulment of Metallica’s ‘mandatory’
standing will be upheld by all active radio program directors,” said Moore.
Metallica segments came aſter more than 680,000 radio listeners signed petitions encouraging the commission to rescind Metallica music’s ‘mandatory’ status. “Tis annulment
of Metallica’s
‘mandatory’ standing will be upheld by all active radio program directors,” said Moore, “even directors who commonly ignore
Metallica’s later, weaker,
misguided efforts in favor of spinning some of the killer, old-school cuts off of, say, Ride the Lightning or …And Justice For All. Even though the tunes on those albums
totally rock, playing a bunch
of those tracks in a row as part of a Mandatory Metallica segment would still constitute a violation.” According to sources, many of those
see METALLICA page 60
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Doggie paddled
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