Thursday, 18th
May 2017
info@eastcorkjournal.ie
33
Can The Apple Fall Far From The Tree? by SALLY O’REILLY A parent that I work
with, bewildered by their child’s behaviour, shook their heads saying “Could the apple fall any farther from the tree??!!” The short answer is a
resounding ‘yes’. Indeed some apples fall so far from the tree that
they
might be mistaken for pears, oranges or a well- done
steak! Sometimes
that’s a good thing - not everyone finds apples pal- atable! If I hear “The apple
never falls far from the tree” once more this week I may explode. I’m sure you’ve all heard - said it even! I know I have.
It’s
a phrase often said with a knowing, slightly resigned look and always accompa- nied by a defiant nod of certainty. One of our human foibles is that we love to
observe people behaving badly from a distance. Take our love of drama for example – I myself having an addiction to Netflix bordering on the pathological!! But when we observe it in real life we tend to think critical- ly rather than engage in “critical thinking”. We shake our heads and mut- ter about blaming the parents (even if we are the parents) Ah sure ya, what d’you
expect - “The apple never falls from from the tree”. Hmm… Do the Apples REAL-
LY NOT Fall very far? We like to believe that
apples fall near the tree. In other words, kids turn out like their parents, because it helps us explain the otherwise “difficult-to-ex- plain.” We do this regu- larly - even if might mean making
assumptions, or
worse, casting aspersions by making wildly judg- mental
pronouncements
on our fellow human be- ings, their parenting styles and their offspring. Here’s what we often
forget – the apples in ques- tion here have free will. If the apples are over 18 years old, they can make
their own choices about whether or not to take root, sprout new leaves or risk rotting. They are not slaves to the genetic make- up of their parent tree. None of us are slaves to
our genetics. Sometimes in my work
as a therapist it feels like themes emerge in batch- es. This week I seem to be in the midst of an ‘apple theme’ of sorts. I know that I needn’t go into de- tail here because I’m sure every parent reading this will understand when I simply say this: Parents of- ten (and some parents al- ways) feel guilt over their children’s poor behaviour. Does that resonate with
you? that
I’m aware of course, parents, all adults
in fact, have a responsi- bility to teach children about wrong and right, set boundaries, teach respect, teach love, empathy and compassion. Sometimes, despite best
efforts, it doesn’t work. There are reasons for this of course, but they may be hard to identify. There may be a trauma external to you as a parent, un- known even to you. There may be chronic emotional
strains of which, despite your best efforts at talking, you are unaware. There may be physio- logical or psychological pathology which has thus far gone unnoticed and so untreated. There may also be an organic psycho- pathology, which remains untreatable. There are so many variables
that we
cannot hope to control them all. Having hopes for our
children is normal One woman recent-
ly mentioned her hopes of her kid growing into someone she would like to have coffee with some day. That’s a GORGEOUS thought. That we
nice human beings that we like as well as love. And
I am painfully
aware that not every par- ent gets to enjoy coffee with their child. I know of parents who don’t like their child, and feel shame around that. Guilt even. They observe their chil- dren behaving badly, hurt- ing others, lying, cheating, stealing… And that’s a terrible
thing to experi-
ence. It’s healthy to take responsibility for mistakes made when raising chil- dren, but it’s also healthy,
and crucial, to know that no parent is perfect. You cannot be perfect, not
and you are
than what we planned or hoped for. Your kids will make
your
child’s only influence. If you are one of these
parents what I want you to know is this: sometimes the apple falls so far from the tree that it is unrecog- nisable as an apple. Perhaps a key word here is ‘fall’. The tree didn’t throw it, or place it, or even misshape it. Some- times things just happen, they fall out of place. What we do next is what
raise
matters. We can throw our hands up and shake our heads and keep muttering guiltily or judgementally (not that there’s a differ- ence really!) about ours and each others’ apples, or we can gather them up, maybe try a replant, and accept
that they might grow into something other
choices for which you are not responsible. They will probably do things you don’t like. They may fall far
yourself, but be careful with it! You are assuming responsibility here
that from your tree and
they may not. If we insist on having them be just like us or do only what we like, we do them a disser- vice. That’s stuff we
are
mostly aware of already. But there’s an extra bit that lots of parents don’t consider: We do ourselves as well
as them a disservice if we assume responsibility for their every choice, espe- cially the bad ones. That’s the angle I want to focus on today. I’m talking here about
the often asked ‘where did I go wrong?!’. It’s a great and brave question to ask
may not be yours. One of our most pre- cious qualities is our in- dividuality. We can cel- ebrate and encourage that in ourselves and our children, or we can stifle it. The latter will be at the peril of our humanity. See
you all again in
two weeks and thanks for reading! Sally O’Reilly is a Psy-
chologist, Psychotherapist & Clinical Supervisor in private
practice in East
Cork with twenty years’ full time experience. She has a special interest in working with teenagers and writes for Voiceboks. com as well as sallyoreilly. com. For more info con- tact her through her site, on 0872338804 or on Twitter @psychosal.
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