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info@eastcorkjournal.ie


Thursday, 28th


September 2017


The Competitive Parenting Trap


rounded by words like “super,” “best,” “tremen- dous” and I’m not just talking about world lead- ers here.


at the womb? I hear parents


by SALLY O’REILLY Last month I read an


article on how to support overly competitive children and my favourite piece of advice in it was this: “help them to practice losing”. Pure and simple wisdom. Easier said than done it?


though isn’t It’s really


hard to allow a child to practice losing if you have trouble losing yourself. Whenever I’m working with a child who has dif- ficulty with competition, it often emerges that their parents or guardians find it hard too - and by hard I mean - the adults around them find it really hard to NOT compete - be it at work, in their job, behind the wheel, as a sibling, or at being a parent! And then they have trouble not “winning”.


When did parenting be- come a competitive sport? It’s crazy! We live in a competition-crazed world right now. We are sur-


Does competition start com-


paring how fast they got pregnant. The morning sickness, bump sizes, stom- ach upsets, the dizzy spells. I’ve heard women attach- ing meanings to normal pregnancy symptoms like – “Oooh! that means the baby is very active, it’ll be great at sports”. Or “Oh! that’s a bit late… MY baby embryo started reading at two weeks!” Ok, I’m exaggerating


but it does seem to me that some parents begin the rat race in the womb. How parents turn their birthing process into a competition Then there


are ‘natural’ the versus ‘assisted’


fertility? Next we grad- uate to the labour com- petition – natural versus epidural. Breast feeding versus bottle. Fostered ver- sus adoption. “When did yours wean?”


“not until


THEN?” - and the un- avoidable “HOW many hours sleep?!” Sometimes


the ques-


tions are accompanied by a slight shake of the head and that grimace – the passive aggressive mix of sympathy and judgement. I’m guessing you know what I mean... Then


ting-up


there’s the sit- competition, the


crawling, the walking, the talking, the growing, the socializing, the


reading,


the gaming, the strength, the agility, the intelligence, the beauty, the populari- ty… The list is as long as you make it. As you make it.


The competitive parenting trap Competition is entering


our lives earlier, and with more vigour. Winning and being the best is superim- portant now. Being popu- lar has always been a com- petition, we know that. It still is, only more so. Now being popular is more im- portant than ever, 24/7. As in, all day, every day. We have Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, how many likes and followers and fans do you have?? JUST FOUR THOUSAND?? Oh dear, you’ll probably die alone… Kids are now accumu- lating ‘friends’ and gath-


ering fans because at some level they believe that that means they are worthy. And we adults tend to do the same. We are all do- pamine


addicted phone


users - well, most of us – how many times per hour do you check your social media?? So unintentionally, we


are teaching kids that popularity and winning, having the most, being the best, being the prettiest, the strongest are all very valuable. Not being the best is mediocre and un- deserving of worth or cel- ebration, or worse, of love. We are competing with-


out even being aware that we’re doing it! On the other end of this scale, some of us are achingly aware that we are rewarding winners per- haps too much so we have begun to over-compen- sate. We give kids prizes regardless of their place in the running race or piano competition. We give every child a birthday gift in case they feel left out. We even give birthday party guests gifts now – when did that start?? Recently my mother


in law informed me that there is a new ‘rule’ that


Soap Dreams…


by JOANNE DELANEY Having dry skin can


be a pain, you try all sorts and nothing seems to take away the flaky forehead, Most soaps I have used in the past can really dry out your skin, I always find the store brands to leave a sticky residue even after you wash it off, so this week I put a challenge out to find a really good home- made


Irish branded


soap to see if I could find a good fit for my skin. And I think I have


found my love for soap again, Based in Mac- room Soap Dreams soap is made from goats milk, it is perfect for those suf- fering with Eczema and other dried skin issues, the soap gives you such a fresh feeling along with a stunning (depending on your preference) Rose Geranium fresh scent.


I couldn’t believe the


difference in my skin after just two days! And given that


it’s a natu-


ral homemade soap it made me happy!! “Once


you’ve tried them, you don’t want to use any- thing else!” The handmade soap is made at their home in Macroom Co. Cork. They don’t


sell our


soap through shops and prefer the small scale, “small is beautiful” ap- proach to life! In a quote from Peta “We’ve being making a living selling our handmade


through local farmers’ markets and craft


for the last eight years.” Handmade


soap


soap fairs is


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the newborn baby arrives home with gifts for its old- er siblings in case they are upset by its presence. I was amazed by that one – may- be it’s not new? It was new for me though! Jeepers… What does that teach the siblings?


Competition is good and healthy Yes it is. It keeps us on


our toes, but how we han- dle it can go awry. We’re now at a stage in our social evolution where we are not allowing children to


fear their pain and


their rage . As a consequence we


invest a lot of energy into avoiding these (to be fair, unpleasant) emotions. So we often don’t take the opportunity to teach our kids to


understand that


other kids will be better than them at sports or less skilled at music. Sometimes


we don’t


give them the opportunity to understand that some kids need lots of friends and enjoy socializing, while others prefer


like everyone. It’s not a re- flection on our quality – it’s simply a matter of taste. We need to give our kids


the chance to practice dif- ferent ways of being, to ‘try on’ different ways of relating to people, activ- ities and ideologies. And then see how they ‘fit’. Then we can reward


ex-


perience disappointment. We


them for finding what works for them and their emotional well being. Not what works for US, what WE feel is normal or good or cute and makes us look like well-adjusted healthy adults who have good par- enting nailed. Because,


honestly, I


promise, no-one has par- enting nailed.


All we adults can do is our best We can do our best to


their


own company and find other people draining. Not everyone is going to like us just as we are not going to


show the kids in our lives how to be gracious in both winning and losing. Par- ents or not. How? By be- ing good role models. We can show them we enjoy the buzz of achievement as both individuals and part of a team. By sharing credit, by giving credit. By criticising only in construc- tive ways. By not jeering at losing teams on the pitch or mocking people who


falter. By not raging at ref- erees or ourselves if some- thing doesn’t go our way. This will teach them to


understand that sometimes mistakes are made, that our best changes from day to day – even hour to hour. We can show kids compas- sion, empathy and under- standing without offering them a gift and running to avoid every possible dis- comfort. If we succeed in doing this, then our kids will learn to feel loved and accepted whatever the out- come. They will learn resil- ience – the cornerstone of mental health. In other words, if we disconnect winning and losing from our own self- worth, we will teach our kids to do the same just by living it! Sally O’Reilly is a Psy-


chologist, Psychotherapist & Clinical Supervisor in private


practice in East


Cork with twenty years’ full time experience. She has a special interest in working with teenagers and writes for Voiceboks.com, Fami- lyFriendlyHQ.com as well as her own blog sallyoreilly. com. For more info contact her through her site, on 0872338804 or on Twitter @psychosal.


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