You, the service provider, can help by offering to call the family’s local rabbi who can give the family the education they need to process the death. There are also websites that offer information and answer questions about Jewish traditions.
Many issues arise after the death of a child. Many of the current issues require Jewish legal expertise. For example, it is possible to save lives by harvesting organs from people who are technically dead even though there is still respiration. In the Jewish legal com- munity there is no consensus on this issue. The traditional view has always been that both autopsy and organ harvesting are absolutely prohibited. Today, it’s important for everyone to be aware of the ability to save lives by donating organs. It is recommended the family discuss this issue with their Rabbi or/and Jewish legal advisor. Many Jewish legal experts find that organ donation is permissible under certain circumstances, but many do not agree. The prohibition is unclear and a matter for each individual consult- ing with their own Rabbi.
An FIMR program in New Jersey with a home visiting component—where a nurse makes home visits and provides bereavement counseling—has a few Hasidic families that have lost children living in its service area. The visiting nurse, Paula, is Jewish and has tried on many occasions tried to reach out and provide services. She is not sure if her help would be welcome, or even if she would be allowed in the home during the mourning period.
Paula would certainly be allowed in the home. The week of shiva is when people come to the house to mourn. Usually Hasidic families have a very strong support system. In New Jersey or New York, the family and/or the community are present for sup- port. There is a tremendous amount of encouragement to talk about feelings, to work through feelings according to the established process. For the first few days, the most intense period of grief, the mourning family members may not even talk. During the seven days of shiva, the mother of the home does not prepare meals or cook—someone comes in and assumes those responsibilities. The mother, father, and siblings have no responsibilities during this time.
During the rest of the shiva and even more so during the 30-day shloshim, the family will open up more to share memories of the deceased and express their feelings. As the grief diminishes, they resume normal social activities and involvement. So what Paula can do, most of all, is express her willingness to be of help. That is always appreciated. Let them know bereavement counseling is available, and perhaps other services as well, should they want them. It is a tremendous help to just reach out. When you put your hand out it’s not always taken, but sometimes much, much later the person remembers, “Oh, that’s someone that I think can help me now.” So Paula can just let them know she is there for them, should they ever need her. Shiva is a very appropriate time for her to do this because that’s when there is sort of an “open door policy.” Paula could make a shiva call to pay her respects and let them know she is available. She should mention, too, that she is a trained professional. Sometimes people find it easier to express their feelings to someone who is not part of the family or the community. Paula could just slip a note to the mother saying, “If you ever want to talk to me, I’m available,” and be sure to include her telephone number. It can be very comforting just to know that help is available if needed.
I would like to conclude with the words of Isaiah, where he says, “May God swallow death forever and may He wipe tears from all faces.” (Isaiah 25:8) And may it be so.
SELECTED WEB SITES
www.Chabad.org. Information about Jewish life, traditions, and history; “Ask the Rabbi” feature to answer ques- tions about Jewish religious philosophy and traditions.
www.hods.org Halachic Organ Donor (HODS) Society, disseminates information about Halachic (Jewish law) issues and Rabbinic opinions concerning organ donation.
www.AskMoses.com. This site offers live advice 24 hours a day, 6 days a week (closed on Shabbat); Hasidic Rabbi’s available online or referral to expert.
VOICES FROM THE COMMUNITY: CROSS CULTURAL EXPRESSIONS OF GRIEF AT THE LOSS OF AN INFANT 51
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