Cultural issues. There are some culturally based differences in the expression of grief among Jewish families. Among orthodox Jews, for example, there is a tremendous sensitivity to modesty, including physical acts of affection and love between husband and wife. Therefore, do not be surprised if you see husband and wife embraced and held by friends and family, but not by each other. In fact, at happy times, such as when a child is born, you won’t find religious Jewish couples showing their joy by hugging or kissing each other. They hold that in check, and their expressions of love and affection, and of solace and comfort, for one another are verbal; they are not shown physically in public. Upon hearing a child has died, the husband and wife usually don’t fall into each other arms in grief. They maintain a physi- cal distance in the presence of others. In private, they are comforting and loving to each other as they express their grief.
The Jewish law against autopsy is stringent to preserve dignity and respect for the deceased. There are certain circumstances where an autopsy may be acceptable, if, for example, it provides immediate benefit to a living person.
My father was killed in a car accident where the state law required an autopsy in cases of accident. Jewish law, on the other hand, forbade any desecration of the body unless it was for immediate benefit to someone’s life—certainly not the case in this instance. I had the oppor- tunity to meet with the medical examiner, who then consulted as well with a Rabbi expert in Jewish law and state law, and was able to persuade the state to allow for the dignity of my father’s passionate commitment to Jewish law.
Service delivery issues. In many schools for healthcare providers, the traditions of mourning are not part of basic school curriculum. It is not until a death occurs that we realize the importance of cultural traditions. As healthcare providers, we can guide and assist families during this crisis. The grieving individual needs to know there are certain procedures to follow in the Jewish religion, and there are resources available to help them learn about those procedures.
Recently, I read a story by a New York Times journalist in the New York Times magazine section. The author, a young woman living in Japan, had become pregnant after waiting a long time to conceive a child. And then she discovered that her so very beloved and so long awaited unborn child was no longer alive and she experienced enormous grief. I read the story with tears; I’d experienced this grief myself and knew the pain. This writer described her feel- ings of loss, and confusion, and her search for a meaningful way to deal with and to express her grief. She wrote that knowing there was nothing in her own (Jewish) tradition, she turned to a Hindu friend who told her about the Hindu practices of women who miscarried. And I remember reading that, and just being absolutely heartbroken for her. Because she just didn’t know—of course there is a Jewish response to it, but she’d never learned that; she just wasn’t aware of it. And had she contacted somebody who was knowledgeable, she would have found that her pain as a Jewish woman was addressed in her very own history and tradition.
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VOICES FROM THE COMMUNITY: CROSS CULTURAL EXPRESSIONS OF GRIEF AT THE LOSS OF AN INFANT
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