and family an opportunity to pay their final respects. For example, with sudden death, family may not be immediately available.
A basic tenant of Judaism is that every soul has its purpose. There is a reason for every soul to be—whether this soul survived in a human body for several minutes or many years, there was purpose to that soul. This is something that is strongly felt. While knowledge of this soul’s completed mission is a comfort, the pain and grief are no less real. It is impor- tant, therefore, that grieving parents and siblings have the support they need.
The deceased is not left alone from the moment of death until burial. In a city with a sizable Jewish population, the family will notify the burial society who will then see to the specific arrangements. This includes a “shomer,” a person present with the deceased at all times. A family member or friend may stay with the deceased. These individuals say prayers and recite psalms during the time from death until burial.
Stages of grieving. There are three stages to grieving in the Jewish tradition. The first is called “shiva.” After the burial, the family returns to the shiva house to begin a seven-day period of intense mourning. Shiva is from the word “sheva,” which means seven. This week is called “sitting shiva” and is a time for the family to be together in their mourning. During this week, friends and loved ones come to share memories and comfort the grieving family with short visits called “shiva calls.” A family sits shiva after having lost a parent, spouse, sibling, or child.
The seven-day period of mourning begins immediately after the burial. Thus, the day of the burial is the first day of shiva; it continues for six more days. However, if a Jewish holiday such as Rosh Hashana falls during the seven days, shiva ends the afternoon just prior to the holiday. Mourners usually do not leave the house during this time, even to go to work. In recent years, there has been a trend to sit shiva for only three days, although nothing in the Jewish tradition supports this. The number seven in Judaism is significant for it symbolizes completion in this world, as in the seven days of creation. The concept of sitting for only three days comes from the mistaken belief that making the period of mourning shorter will somehow make it easier.
Every shiva experience is a different because every loss is different. If the bereaved is someone you had been close to but hadn’t seen much of recently, the period of shiva is a good time to re-establish the relationship with the family. It is a most appropriate time to visit the parents of a child that was lost. It is greatly appreciated when a healthcare provider calls on the family during this period. It is very comforting to families just to know all the help possible was given.
The second stage of mourning encompasses the first 30 days following the burial and is called “shloshim,” from the word meaning “thirty.” This period includes the shiva, but most restrictions that apply to mourners during the seven-day shiva period are lifted after that week. For the next 23 days, mourners can leave the house and return to work, but they should limit social engagements and avoid festive outings.
After completion of the shloshim, the official mourning is ended for all mourners except those who have lost a parent. Those who have lost a child or other loved one can now resume activities without restriction. Those who have lost a parent have a third stage of mourning which lasts one year from the day of death.
VOICES FROM THE COMMUNITY: CROSS CULTURAL EXPRESSIONS OF GRIEF AT THE LOSS OF AN INFANT 49
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