“When a parent dies, you have lost your past. When a child dies, you have lost your future.” —L. Schill. “The bereaved parent.” New York: Penguin Books, 1977:23
An emotional component of infant loss is that babies are the hopes and dreams of their parents. This is true for everyone—no matter the circumstances, new parents feel on top of the world. They have hopes and dreams for the baby’s future—that their child will have more than they have. Parents of less affluence have the same aspirations for their children. This is particularly true of new mothers.
On the other hand, these women also have a long history of multiple personal losses, not just infant loss but many other kinds of cultural, economic, and social losses as well. So the loss of the infant, while devastating and heart wrenching, may not be the worst thing that has happened to them. Sometimes it isn’t even the most current pregnancy loss that was the most devastating. It may have been a pregnancy that happened three years ago. At times, an FIMR interviewer may find such a diminished reaction to the loss surprising and difficult to accept. The interviewer should keep in mind that the degree of grief and loss may depend on what other crises were going on in the woman’s life at that time and what she has experienced in the past.
Another issue is the real or potential loss of the relationship with the baby’s father. In many cases, the woman’s only connection to the father was the baby, and that connec- tion may end with the baby’s death. This mother’s isolation is greater as she faces the devastation of two losses. Her expressed grief may be greater for the loss of the relation- ship with the baby’s father.
After two to six weeks, family and friends may decide the best way to support the moth- er is to avoid talking to her about the death. They may also expect the mother should be able to stop grieving, “move onn” and return to normal. When the FIMR interview is initiated two to six weeks after the death, the mother may say she feels something is wrong with her because she cannot stop grieving the loss. The FIMR interviewer can validate the mother’s feelings, give her permission to express her emotions, and offer support and referral, as needed.
Service delivery issues. Most bereavement studies that have been done are qualitative and provide perceptive insights into a specific community. It is equally important to remember each woman’s experience is unique as she copes and learns to live with the death of her infant.
Some women believe not everything was done for their infant because they are poor and African American. One woman said she was sure her child did not receive the care he needed. It was her sixth child, and she was on Medical Assistance. She said, “They thought I had too many children.” However, the infant’s very large and detailed medi- cal record clearly documented the hospital personnel had tried everything to keep the infant alive. The interviewer can listen to these emotions, validate the feelings but must remain non-judgemental. If appropriate, an important part of the role of the FIMR interviewer is to reassure the mother that everything possible was done for the baby. Otherwise, without that feedback, women may internalize these negative feelings and the feelings may affect all future contacts with the healthcare system.
14 VOICES FROM THE COMMUNITY: CROSS CULTURAL EXPRESSIONS OF GRIEF AT THE LOSS OF AN INFANT
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