who was pregnant received different reactions when telling the news to her family. Her sister was very excited for her. Her brother, on the other hand, disconnected from the call when hearing her news. Additionally, he chastised her on more than one occasion for even mentioning it to him. Announcing a pregnancy is simply not done. Therefore, if pregnancy is not talked about, the loss of a fetus is even less discussed. The loss is not acknowledged and there are no specific rituals to deal with it.
Questions about who is to blame for the death of an infant are common and often directed to the parents. The mother in particular is blamed and she may also blame her- self. The husband’s parents may be particularly critical of the mother. A grieving mother may carry the additional burden of explaining her actions to other family members, including her mother-in-law.
Blaming the parents for the death of a child occurs not only in Iran but among Iranian families leaving in the United States too. For example, an educated Iranian woman liv- ing in California, an Oxford graduate and engineer, lost her little girl in a car accident. With all the grief she was going through, she was expecting her in-laws to visit. Her concern was how she was going to explain the death of her little girl to her mother-in- law. Dealing with her in-laws was an additional stress.
Even in cases of SIDS, although nobody is to blame, the family focus again shifts to the parents and their supposed lack of parenting skills. Concerns regarding the safety of the child or exposure to the evil eye are brought up as well. In more traditional and conventional families, the woman may also feel disgraced, especially if this is the first born or if the baby was a son.
Service delivery issues. An extremely important function for the healthcare provider is to convey to the family what is known about the cause of death and, if appropriate, assure the parents they could not have done anything differently or prevent it. This can help them understand why the infant died and perhaps help parents convey accurate information to other family members.
In addition, there is a cultural fear of talking about the loss. Iranians may believe if something bad happens and they talk about it, more bad things are going to happen, so it’s best not to talk about it. With few opportunities to express their grief, the parents may experience helplessness, lack of trust, and lose confidence, not just in themselves but in others as well. This may even expand to include the universe at large and their faith. Along with this, obviously, would come more suffering and sorrow.
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VOICES FROM THE COMMUNITY: CROSS CULTURAL EXPRESSIONS OF GRIEF AT THE LOSS OF AN INFANT
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