Jeremy Clark OPINION
How much does she weigh?
How often have we split a seam doing up an item of clothing, in a performance that is like re-sewing the blubber back into a beached whale, and said “I really should lose weight?” Frankly, I have stopped saying this
after numerous diets. My Doc says "more exercise", to which I respond that I get a full workout from chewing my food, so that’s covered. Weight is also constantly on the minds of the world’s carriers as they battle to remove more of it from aircraft to compensate for the increasing size of its passengers. The Americans, of course, took drastic
action by removing all the crockery and cutlery and the food. That should have helped – but is unfortunately countered by easy access to all manner of fast food options before boarding. Without mentioning specific carriers, I
offer some examples of totally unnecessary weight carried around for the 'benefit' of passengers. The culprits are generally Mid East and Asian operators who appear to
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measure service by the quantity of fancy crockery they employ inflight. Ask for a cup of tea on one south
Asian carrier and you get no less than 11 individual items – excluding the tablecloth. Fine if you're at the Ritz, but not on a plane, especially if halfway through you need the loo. Your seat looks like a Pottery Barn discount table and you can't move. My real hate is collapsible trolleys in Business used to ‘present’ the service. They are hopeless, old-fashioned and totally unnecessary. Here’s why: they take ages for the crew to set up, they jam up space in the galley and then they block the aisle during service. They are heavy. Stuff rattles on them so the breakfast service wakes everyone up as they clatter by. Food sits on them for ages so if you’re last to be served, everyone has had a chance to cough and sneeze over the desserts. Hot food gets cold. They rarely have the item that I want so crew have to go back to the galley anyway. They take ages to dismantle and they look like my grandmother's Sunday
tea trolley. Crew hate them. They are awful and should be banned. Take my order, then bring me a nice tray with hors d’oeuvres. Then serve the main course – hot. The aisles will be clear, the service will be faster and I will be happy. Another example of unnecessarily loaded
items: on one Mid East flight I slept soundly and awoke to find a small tent card on the table, reading: “While you were resting, we did not want to disturb you. Please let us know if you require assistance.” What on earth is that for? What assistance do they think I need when I am asleep? Unless, of course, I am in a coma and need medical resuscitation, in which case thank goodness for this card without which I would be at a loss to know what to do. I mean – really! How many of these cards were printed and are flying needlessly around? Heaven knows, but they – together with the 10 unrequired tea service items (just a mug please) – can all be removed. If you need advice how: use the collapsible trolley!
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