SHAPING YOUR FAMILY’S FUTURE Four Signs of trouble


During the past twenty years, John Gottman has studied married couples to determine what helps them stay together and what pulls them apart. Much of his work has focused on conflict. Perhaps his biggest contribution to our understanding of relationships today is his belief that conflict is an inevitable part of marriage. His research shows that the goal of a relationship ought not be to get rid of conflict, but rather to engage in conflict well. Gottman identifies what he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These are


four signs that a relationship is in trouble. All four have the potential to come out to play in the midst of conflict.


CRITICISM


Constructive conflict focuses on specific behaviors, not character flaws. But criticism is all about a personal attack. Comments


like, “I’d like you to pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the laundry basket,” target behavior. Comments like, “Why are you such a stupid slob?” target character.These kinds of comments demean, belittle, and hurt.


DEFENSIVENESS


Getting defensive is a natural response to conflict. This is particularly true when you are the offending party. But defensiveness is essentially a move of self-preservation that rarely helps improve the relationship. In fact, it prevents a person from really hearing or processing what the other person is saying.


CONTEMPT


When we turn up the intensity of our criticism, we transform it into contempt. It is an open sign of disrespect. Contempt can look like sarcasm, sighs or grunts of derision, eye rolling, or even flat-out mockery.


3 • MAKING A MARRIAGE


StonewallinG


If you’ve ever had an argument with someone who simply refuses to respond, you’ve


experienced stonewalling.On rare occasions, this can actually be a healthy response. If,


for example, one of you is so upset that you can’t think straight, it might be helpful to say, “I can’t talk about this with you right now. Let’s calm down and come back to it later when we can listen to each other.” But routine stonewalling is a way of pulling away from the relationship altogether.


22


Page 1  |  Page 2  |  Page 3  |  Page 4  |  Page 5  |  Page 6  |  Page 7  |  Page 8  |  Page 9  |  Page 10  |  Page 11  |  Page 12  |  Page 13  |  Page 14  |  Page 15  |  Page 16  |  Page 17  |  Page 18  |  Page 19  |  Page 20  |  Page 21  |  Page 22  |  Page 23  |  Page 24  |  Page 25  |  Page 26  |  Page 27  |  Page 28  |  Page 29  |  Page 30  |  Page 31  |  Page 32  |  Page 33  |  Page 34  |  Page 35  |  Page 36  |  Page 37  |  Page 38  |  Page 39  |  Page 40  |  Page 41  |  Page 42  |  Page 43  |  Page 44  |  Page 45  |  Page 46  |  Page 47  |  Page 48  |  Page 49  |  Page 50  |  Page 51  |  Page 52  |  Page 53  |  Page 54  |  Page 55  |  Page 56  |  Page 57  |  Page 58  |  Page 59  |  Page 60  |  Page 61  |  Page 62  |  Page 63  |  Page 64  |  Page 65  |  Page 66  |  Page 67  |  Page 68  |  Page 69  |  Page 70  |  Page 71  |  Page 72  |  Page 73  |  Page 74  |  Page 75  |  Page 76  |  Page 77  |  Page 78  |  Page 79  |  Page 80  |  Page 81  |  Page 82  |  Page 83  |  Page 84  |  Page 85  |  Page 86  |  Page 87  |  Page 88  |  Page 89  |  Page 90  |  Page 91  |  Page 92  |  Page 93  |  Page 94  |  Page 95  |  Page 96  |  Page 97