SHAPING YOUR FAMILY’S FUTURE


3 • MAKING A MARRIAGE


you’re discovering, doing so has benefits that go far beyond helping the two of you get along. Creating and modeling effective, respectful methods for handling conflict might be one


of the greatest gifts you can give to your child. The key to creating new patterns is recognizing the patterns that don’t work. And it’s good to do that before you are


in the middle of an argument. So take time to recognize and resolve unhelpful patterns now, when you’re calm and motivated to make a change. Then, when you and your co-parent find yourselves in the middle of the next spat, you’ll have new tools that will help you resolve the problem more effectively.


Healthy conflict involves following a few basic ground rules. Too often we use


arguments as an excuse to dump all of our frustrations, anger, and backlog of scores to settle on our unsuspecting partner. Chances are you’ve had at least one fight where one of you did something meant to hurt the other person. Some clear rules can help you resolve the issue at hand like civilized people. From a family systems perspective, the biggest temptation in conflict is to create


triangles. Remember, couples create triangles in an effort to diffuse tension. Note how Abram and Sarai, for instance, pulled Hagar into their relationship to form a triangle (Genesis 16). Pairs in conflict pull other people or things into the middle of the relationship to take some of the heat off of the couple. But most of the time, triangles make things worse. For an example of unhealthy conflict patterns, click the button to listen to


Vanessa's story. Listen to Vanessa’s story


Holding a grudge: i you’ve already worked through a problem, let it go. Love each other enough to start again. Too often, couples give lip service to resolution just to make the present discomfort of conflict go away.


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