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SHAPING YOUR FAMILY’S FUTURE


2 • GETTING TO KNOW YOU


Think of it as “unpacking” your family baggage, where you take out the pieces of your idea of self and decide which ones can still hang in your closet. Doing this requires two things: first, you need to assess the messages you received about yourself from your family. Second, you need to understand the way you see yourself in the world. Once you have a grasp of how you arrived at your view of yourself and have dialogued with others about it, you’ll understand yourself better and have the tools you need to help shape your child’s sense of self.


The Family Dance


Most people develop their self-concept within their family of origin. Therapists call the ways individuals in a family system relate to one another the “family dance.” This is because in ballroom dancing, a dancer has an intuitive sense of how his or her partner moves and how to respond to those movements. In a family, each member learns to move and respond to the other members in certain ways which keep the family system working. In some cases, the family dance doesn’t center on a person, but on an event or situation. In these families, members assume roles related to this lead issue. Often these family dances involve secrecy, blame, and shame. The individual showing unhealthy behaviors may unconsciously be attempting to turn up the emotional heat, forcing the family as a whole to change the way it dances.


For more about this, click the button to listen to Aretha's story. For more about this, click the button. 2A•TALK IT OVER


That said, there are plenty of families in which the dance is both functional and mutually satisfying to everyone involved. There is tremendous strength in having a secure place in a family system. A healthy family dance creates the sense of belonging we all long for in our families.


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